Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Grieving an abusive woman, who was never a mother ~ Lilly Hope Lucario


I am grieving a woman, who as far I know, is not dead.

But, she is dead to me.

I’m grieving an entire abusive childhood.

I’m grieving a mother who wanted me abused, in the worst possible ways.

I’m grieving not having a mother who loved me.

I’m grieving not having safety, love, being cherished.

I’m grieving being made to be a mother, so young.

I’m grieving all the fear, pain, aloneness, anxiety, suicidal thoughts… all experienced so young.

I’m grieving a mother who failed in so many ways. Intentionally.

I’m grieving all the things a good mother and daughter do, I never experienced.

I’m grieving a mother who blamed and used me as the scapegoat, in such cruel ways.

I’m grieving all the tears I’ve cried.

I’m grieving a carefree childhood – where you can just be a child, I never had.

I’m grieving my innocence being stolen so young, and knowing my mother was complicit in it.

I’m grieving many layers of abuse, suffering, trauma, and neglect.

I’m grieving all the lifelong consequences, caused by this woman, who was my mother.

I’m grieving her, what she should have been, who she should have been and all she should of done.

I’m grieving a woman who gave birth to me, but was never in fact – a mother.

I’m grieving the safe arms and hugs, I never had.

I’m grieving who I may have been, if I’d had a good mother. Not a perfect mother, but good enough. I wonder who I would be now. I would probably be happy. I wouldn’t be feeling this pain I feel now.

I’m grieving a woman who is not even dead. But was simply an abusive woman, and not a mother.

I don’t have good memories or times to look back on, to cherish.

I only have pain, horrific memories and suffering, that haunts me still, night and day.

And I would rather be dead, than feel any more of this pain.

It is only being a mother myself, to my two boys, that keeps me alive.

If it weren’t for them, I would no longer be here.

And yet despite all this pain, I still don’t wish her anything bad. I don’t want or need anything painful to happen to her.

Many would, but I don’t.

Because I am not in any way like my mother.

She destroyed my entire life.

She was the woman who gave birth to me.

But, she was never a mother.

I have no mother.

And never did.


~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

21 thoughts on “Grieving an abusive woman, who was never a mother ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

  1. This is sad but also true for us unloved daughters and sons who had abusive mothers who never wanted or loved us in the first place. Recalling the Mothers Day Cards that I felt forced to buy and present to a mother who was undeserving, yet thought she was entitled to receive.

    I wish people would respect the fact that not all children had/have loving mothers who “were there for us”, encouraging, loving, empathizing and validating our feelings. We were left on our own, craving for comfort and love, yet always suspicious of others adults or whom we could trust.

    Thanks for posting this, it means a lot.
    Deb xx

  2. Lilly, I wish I had your level of compassion toward my egg donor – sadly, I don’t and I never will. I hate her with the fire of a thousand suns for what she has done and continues to do to me and my children (I don’t have the option to cut her out completely, long and complicated story involving legal stuff), and I wish her all of the negative karma she has racked up, all at once.

    • I am so sorry you have endured an abusive mother and you still have to endure her in your life. This must be so hard and I can completely understand why this continual contact and not being able to cut off contact, would keep those painful emotions at the surface.
      Such a horrible situation.
      I truly feel for you.
      Much love, Lilly ❤

  3. Thank you for this. It helps reading it.

    Since a year back I’m doing Christie Marie Sheldons program to clear all the layers from my childhood. Now I’m also trying Niacin as a complement to help with depression. My hope is to be happy despite all that has happened. Many hugs

  4. Thank you so much for posting, I too am sorry that you had an abusive mother in your life. No one deserves to be put through all that hell. I went NC from my entire family nearly 3 years ago now. I thought I would be able to just ‘let go’ of all the pain & shame and negativity that is with me constantly but I can’t. I don’t think I’ve ever grieved over any loss in my life, I’ve always used food and cigarettes to push down any pain that has ever tried to surface. Ive had counselling on and off all my adult life but it’s only now at the age of 47 that I realise that in order for me to move forwards to ever having a deep and fulfilling life I’m going to have to work through the 5 stages of the recovery program that Dr Karyl McBride suggests and it terrifies me. I find it incredibly hard to cry as it is.

    I’m finding that there seems to be a lot of help in the USA for adult children of Narcissistic parents but here in the UK there is practically nothing. I would love nothing more than to chat to other survivors who have recovered or who are in recovery for some support. I have a few friends, but none of them are really able to grasp what I have and am going through. I am single and have no family or partner or children of my own and because of this at times feel incredibly alone.

    Do you know of any support groups in the UK that I could contact.

    Thank you again and congratulations on your recovery.

    ❤️ Lou x

    • I feel your pain Lou. I live in Australia and feel there is little to no help with regards to Narcissistic parents. I also went nc with my entire family early last year, have few friends, 55 and single. Yes, its extremely lonely.

  5. I think I just figured out why on Mother’s Day, I’d rather not do too much celebrating due to a lack of what I grew up with. Thank you!

  6. My Buddhist teacher says that only by giving up our stories can we begin to let go of our pain. I left a photo of the little abused girl I could never stop thinking about and crying for on a mountain in the Himalayans for the sacred deities to care for, and only then did I begin to heal. Today I feel only heartfelt sadness for my mother who was so abused herself – and so trapped in that fact – that she could not love. Otherwise, she is a long ago distant memory even though she’s only been dead 5 years. My life is finally in the present.

    • I don’t advocate for the Buddhism, as they believed in avoiding the pain and I believe in dealing with it and grieving it, otherwise it stays within you and manifests in other ways.

      Trauma experts all confirm, trauma needs to be processed, not avoiding or ignored.

      Lilly ❤ ❤

  7. Reblogged this on Parental Alienation's Dirty Secrets , Akin to Domestic Violence 40 yrs ago and commented:
    It is so sad that conditions exist that keep anyone in a constant state of grief ,and unhealed PTSD , as the residual has profound effects just as this woman and Mother describes her daughterhood , the longing still apparent .

  8. Thank you, I can relate to so much
    And yes so difficult when Mother’s Day rolls around, or her birthday, or your own birthday, or some random Thursday.

    • The grieving process is long and painful when it is due to an abusive parent. It can take a long time, and even when we think the grieving is over, it can come back up to the surface. That is completely normal.

      Lots of self care and self compassion needed.

      Lilly ❤

  9. Nobody can heal PTSD like Jesus Christ. I have watched him go to work bringing amazing healing to people who are survivors of trauma-based mind control and ritual abuse, the worst forms of abuse. I am more than happy to help wherever needed. But your will and hunger for healing are critical.

    • Thank you. I am a Christian and have a relationships with Jesus.

      I am also very aware that Jesus can lead us to & teach us much through the healing process. So the speed of healing, is not representative of how good a Christian we are.

      I understand, that we can learn so much through the times we grieve, feel anger, feel depression etc. Often those are the times – we have far more to learn and to a much deeper level of wisdom.

      We alos all need to realise, that journeys all take different timespans. For some it is fairly quick, for some it is decades.

      And no-one should be shamed or made to feel inferior, either in their own capacities, or in the faith.

      ❤ ❤

  10. My heart hurts for you sweet Lilly. We have such similar stories and although I am my mother’s daughter through blood but that is where it ends. DEAD STOP ENDS. When she was alive and I was an adult she came to see if we could make it alright now. HELL NO! I have two daughters of my own and you know as I do we can’t comprehend how any mother or anyone for that matter can harm an innocent child. It’s really sad when they are older and reach out to what? She didn’t know my girls, husband, family not even what my favorite food was! She was lost. I didn’t ever mean any harm to her as she did to me because I am NOT MY MOTHER!!! Just as you are not your Mother…look at all the people you help! I hate Mother’s Day except for my girls and the love they show. I will never get over as long as I live this woman’s sick mind and her desire to hurt her only daughter even using Step fathers to groom me to be what they wanted me to be. When I was young and couldn’t get away I had to do it but I planned many nights as a little girl my escape and how I would have a life like the kids down the block whose parents loving called them in to eat dinner when my brother and I stayed outside until dark to come into an empty dark house with no food. I prepared for the abuse that would take place later in the night when she and my stepfather would stumble in both drunk to hurt me. When they were through they stubbled into their room laughing and joking like it was nothing! Who does this? SICK PEOPLE! No, I’m NOT like my mother. God only is the one that brought me through it all. Even today when flashbacks occur or I’m not understood I know HE understands and I pray and hug my dogs. Both give me unconditional love! 😉 My daughters are in their 30’s and I’m proud to say well adjusted and happy. That was always my desire for them ….just as a normal mother would desire. Thank you LIlly for putting a voice to the hurts of so many that hurt on this special day for a mother that was never there. ~~ I think we should all unite over the internet if nothing else and lean on each other for strength and love we didn’t get from these so called mothers in fuure Mother or Father’s Days.

    You are so special to me Lilly. ❤ thank you from one wounded heart to another. Thankful for your voice being heard for all to have the hope we didn't as we grew up. Happy Mother's Day my special friend and Mother to two amazing boys that love their Mother. ❤

  11. As I read, I saw so much of me and what I have gone thru in my 60 years. The woman who gave birth to me finally passed about a year and half ago, that is one thing I have never grieved. When my brother called to say she was gone, I felt the weight of the world lift from my shoulders. All my life even tho I know she hated me and wished I had never been born, made my life a living hell, I still was compelled to be a “dutiful daughter” yet she decided to stop talking to me when my own husband of 38 years passed away five years ago. Of course a time when a daughter needs her mother. When I was a child she made my life a living hell, finally I am free from her, but not the pain she caused, that I am still working thru. Your words are the words I could never express on my own. Thank you.

  12. To all who have commented here, please know I am so sorry for all abuse endured and I am so aware of the life impacting consequences this causes.

    Grieving, is a much needed part of healing.

    My own counsellor confirmed, the healing process is not quick.

    We need lots of self compassion and to allow ourselves the rightful needed emotions, that any grieving process requires – anger, sadness, depression etc.

    Suppressing these needed emotions and not grieving, will only mean the emotions become expressed in other ways and caused more issues long term.

    Much love to all, Lilly ❤ ❤

  13. This was a eye opener. My mother who was also very abusive, to only me, is dead. And whether she was alive or not, wouldn’t have changed much but it has been so hard to heal from. I’m still learning how to.Thank you for sharing.