I am increasingly aware of the society push to believe abusers ‘don’t know what they are doing is wrong’. And making excuses for them. Or rationalising, blaming mental health, or blaming a traumatic past.
It’s all very unwise and incorrect.
I was very thankful, to receive this message from Dina McMillan – Social Psychologist and Relationship Expert (Ph.D., Stanford University). Black American. I specialize in domestic violence prevention and recovery.
To see Dina’s book ‘But He Says He Loves Me: How to Avoid Being Trapped in a Manipulative Relationship’ – see link @ http://www.amazon.com/But-Says-Loves-Manipulative-Relationship/dp/1741751969/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8
In her professional experience, in all her confidential interviews with abusers….
“They were all aware of what they were doing, and didn’t change their behaviour.”
I discussed this in counselling today. And this was confirmed as 100% correct.
What I have come to know, is many fail to realise – in making excuses for abusive people, in pretending they are not aware, and therefore not accountable or responsible, they are enabled, and will not change.
Abusive people, won’t change, unless something forces them to change. No amount of enabling and failing to address their issues, is going to change them. Or stop the abuse.
Also people need to realise, many abusers have personality disorders. These are pervasive disorders, formed before adulthood, that involve a lack of empathy, remorse or conscience. Sure, they can fake these, because they mirror other people’s behaviours. But, inside – they have no remorse. No conscience. No willingness to change. Their behaviours reward what they want. And they want to hurt people. Their lack of empathy, allows them to harm people, with no sense of shame, or guilt.
And it is needed to be understood, personality disorders do not render people incapable of not being abusive. They make choices. They know it’s wrong. They do it anyway. They are still fully conscious and aware of their choices and the harm they cause.
So, when some people choose to believe these abusive people do ‘not know what they are doing’…. they are actually completely wrong. And not only are they invalidating the victims, and denying the victims of the truth…. they are failing to help the abusers. Continue reading