When I dismiss the trauma in adulthood, because the childhood trauma, was so much worse ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

 

Sometimes, the enormity and harsh reality of my life, hits me. Hits so hard, it’s like a Tsunami of pain.

My adulthood trauma includes…

A first marriage to an abusive alcoholic, gambling addict. He was physically, emotionally, financially abusive. A narcissist, basically.

Being attacked in a park at knife point, which was confirmed by police as likely to be an attempted rape, because it was not a mugging.

A few men, who when drunk didn’t stop during sex, when I wanted them to. So technically this is rape. But, I never really see it as that, because I allowed them to go so far and I was drinking too. And some men were rough. Too rough.

Spiritual abuse and sexual grooming,  by a church minister and abuse from the entire church, due to minister lying and denying.

Plus workplace bullying and other minor trauma.

All this, is enough to severely traumatise people. And enough to cause PTSD and for some people who endure this, would make them suicidal.

And I totally understand that and have empathy for that.

But, for me……. these trauma endured in adulthood, were pretty minor, compared to what I endured in childhood.

In childhood I endured abusive parents, who abused me in horrific ways.

I endured every kind of abuse as a child. Throughout the first 20 years of my life.

I was sexually abused and raped for years, by a paedophile friend of my mother and step father. And they knew this was occurring and were complicit in it. And sexual abuse as a child is worse than as an adult. I know, because I’ve had both.

I was suicidal in my teenage years and abused continually. Scapegoating abuse. Parentification abuse. Emotional abuse. Psychological abuse. Sexual abuse.

Then as a teenager/adolescent, I was horrifically abused by another family friend – a  psychopath. Subjected to rape, physical abuse, sexual torture, in captivity. Not allowed to have friends, see family etc. That ended when I was 20, with a court case, where he was imprisoned. The court hearing was also trauma in itself.

I would do anything, to have only endured what I suffered in adulthood. And not have suffered the first 20 years of my life.

And when I think about this, it makes me so sad.

Who would want to suffer this adult trauma?

Me.

I’ll take it and have just have the adult trauma.

The adult trauma barely figures to me, when I think of what has severely harmed me.

Such a terrible reality to live with.

PTSD does NOT make someone violent, a criminal, or a murderer ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder does NOT make someone violent, a criminal, or a murderer.

Violent people, commit violent acts.

Criminals, commit crimes.

Murderers, commit murder.

Most people with PTSD are not violent at all and are not criminals and are not potential murderers.

So using PTSD as a scapegoat for murder,

crime and violence, is wrong.

We need to stop this stigma‬ related to PTSD, that it causes people to be violent and want to kill people.

This is not something experienced by most people with PTSD, even severe PTSD. Or Complex PTSD.

PTSD can, however, co-occur with other disorders, personality disorder symptoms and other issues, that may lead to violence, and thoughts of severely harming others. And additional issues like alcohol and drug use may increase violence and aggression – but that is not due to PTSD. Violence and aggression increases in the general population due to drug and alcohol issues, with people who don’t have PTSD.

PTSD alone, does not make people murderers, or violent.

People with PTSD, can if they choose – control anger, aggression etc. And many of us do control it. We don’t use PTSD as an excuse for behaviours that harm others.

And the continual stigma and portrayal through media, movies and within the PTSD communities….. of PTSD sufferers being potential murderers, violent people and criminals, is very wrong.

I work to reduce this wrong portrayal of PTSD sufferers being violent and work to reduce the stigma about this.

Lilly Hope Lucario

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I am really glad I can control which comments are shown on this blog.

I write my blog and share it with others, so others feel validated and understood.

My blog is NOT a place for dismissing my journey, invalidating my emotions and thoughts, victim shaming, victim blaming,  or a place for people to troll and vent their own issues.

I don’t go to other blogs and do this, because I am a decent person, with boundaries and an understanding of what is appropriate and what is not.

If I don’t like what I see written, I will ignore it and if I feel necessary, I will write my own thoughts about the issue.

Any invalidating, unhealthy, unnecessary, nasty, trolling comments, will not be authorised.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario