Sometimes, the enormity and harsh reality of my life, hits me. Hits so hard, it’s like a Tsunami of pain.
My adulthood trauma includes…
A first marriage to an abusive alcoholic, gambling addict. He was physically, emotionally, financially abusive. A narcissist, basically.
Being attacked in a park at knife point, which was confirmed by police as likely to be an attempted rape, because it was not a mugging.
A few men, who when drunk didn’t stop during sex, when I wanted them to. So technically this is rape. But, I never really see it as that, because I allowed them to go so far and I was drinking too. And some men were rough. Too rough.
Spiritual abuse and sexual grooming, by a church minister and abuse from the entire church, due to minister lying and denying.
Plus workplace bullying and other minor trauma.
All this, is enough to severely traumatise people. And enough to cause PTSD and for some people who endure this, would make them suicidal.
And I totally understand that and have empathy for that.
But, for me……. these trauma endured in adulthood, were pretty minor, compared to what I endured in childhood.
In childhood I endured abusive parents, who abused me in horrific ways.
I endured every kind of abuse as a child. Throughout the first 20 years of my life.
I was sexually abused and raped for years, by a paedophile friend of my mother and step father. And they knew this was occurring and were complicit in it. And sexual abuse as a child is worse than as an adult. I know, because I’ve had both.
I was suicidal in my teenage years and abused continually. Scapegoating abuse. Parentification abuse. Emotional abuse. Psychological abuse. Sexual abuse.
Then as a teenager/adolescent, I was horrifically abused by another family friend – a psychopath. Subjected to rape, physical abuse, sexual torture, in captivity. Not allowed to have friends, see family etc. That ended when I was 20, with a court case, where he was imprisoned. The court hearing was also trauma in itself.
I would do anything, to have only endured what I suffered in adulthood. And not have suffered the first 20 years of my life.
And when I think about this, it makes me so sad.
Who would want to suffer this adult trauma?
I’ll take it and have just have the adult trauma.
The adult trauma barely figures to me, when I think of what has severely harmed me.
Such a terrible reality to live with.
But, one I am reminded of frequently.
And one that makes me realise, how strong I am. To survive it all.
And a reality I am allowed to feel sad about. I am allowed to validate as to the depth of severe trauma and suffering I have endured.
I don’t allow anyone to invalidate that any longer.
Because I have to deal with the full reality, to heal.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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