Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

When I dismiss the trauma in adulthood, because the childhood trauma, was so much worse ~ Lilly Hope Lucario


fragile woman


Sometimes, the enormity and harsh reality of my life, hits me. Hits so hard, it’s like a Tsunami of pain.

My adulthood trauma includes…

A first marriage to an abusive alcoholic, gambling addict. He was physically, emotionally, financially abusive. A narcissist, basically.

Being attacked in a park at knife point, which was confirmed by police as likely to be an attempted rape, because it was not a mugging.

A few men, who when drunk didn’t stop during sex, when I wanted them to. So technically this is rape. But, I never really see it as that, because I allowed them to go so far and I was drinking too. And some men were rough. Too rough.

Spiritual abuse and sexual grooming,  by a church minister and abuse from the entire church, due to minister lying and denying.

Plus workplace bullying and other minor trauma.

All this, is enough to severely traumatise people. And enough to cause PTSD and for some people who endure this, would make them suicidal.

And I totally understand that and have empathy for that.

But, for me……. these trauma endured in adulthood, were pretty minor, compared to what I endured in childhood.

In childhood I endured abusive parents, who abused me in horrific ways.

I endured every kind of abuse as a child. Throughout the first 20 years of my life.

I was sexually abused and raped for years, by a paedophile friend of my mother and step father. And they knew this was occurring and were complicit in it. And sexual abuse as a child is worse than as an adult. I know, because I’ve had both.

I was suicidal in my teenage years and abused continually. Scapegoating abuse. Parentification abuse. Emotional abuse. Psychological abuse. Sexual abuse.

Then as a teenager/adolescent, I was horrifically abused by another family friend – a  psychopath. Subjected to rape, physical abuse, sexual torture, in captivity. Not allowed to have friends, see family etc. That ended when I was 20, with a court case, where he was imprisoned. The court hearing was also trauma in itself.

I would do anything, to have only endured what I suffered in adulthood. And not have suffered the first 20 years of my life.

And when I think about this, it makes me so sad.

Who would want to suffer this adult trauma?


I’ll take it and have just have the adult trauma.

The adult trauma barely figures to me, when I think of what has severely harmed me.

Such a terrible reality to live with.

But, one I am reminded of frequently.

And one that makes me realise, how strong I am. To survive it all.

And a reality I am allowed to feel sad about. I am allowed to validate as to the depth of severe trauma and suffering I have endured.

I don’t allow anyone to invalidate that any longer.

Because I have to deal with the full reality, to heal.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

5 thoughts on “When I dismiss the trauma in adulthood, because the childhood trauma, was so much worse ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

  1. You are one of the strongest people I know and despite all you have endured, you still spread your knowledge and have helped so many! I wish that you hadn’t endured any of what you have endured in your lifetime but I can completely understand the comparisons you are making and if you could choose, you would choose the less severe… I can understand that, as with my own trauma I have more and less severe trauma.Sending you the biggest hug and know that you are in my thoughts ❤

  2. I wonder though, had you not suffered so in childhood, would these adult traumas bring the same pain as your childhood traumas do currently? I completely understand what you are saying though, as if nothing coming after initial horrors can top them. Childhood is precious, and forms the basis of our internal models; your unconscious most likely expected more abuse in adulthood, therefore was more equipped – in whatever upsetting manner – to deal with it. Altold though, you should never have had to experience anything you have mentioned, and I’m so sorry you have. I am so pleased that you’ve broken through a near impossible barrier and are thriving on the will to get through your pain. You have adopted a brilliantly reflexive self stance, and also use your time and efforts to help others – it is, and you are, admirable.

    • Thank you for your message. I appreciate it ❤

      No, the childhood trauma was caused by my own mother and step father and was caused at a time when I was a child, very vulnerable and not able to process what was happening to me. Not able to control any of what was happening to me. Which is different to abuse in adulthood.

      Like my first marriage I was able to get out of that. But my childhood, I was not able to escape from.

      If I had only been abused in adulthood, but had experienced a normal childhood and had a normal supportive family, I would have coped well with the adult trauma.

      Trauma experienced in childhood, is very different to adulthood.

      Being abused by your own mother, in the abhorrent way, is so painful, I cannot even adequately describe.