Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I won’t be repeating this, ever again.


I have been feeling as bad as it can get, over the last few days. Such intense emotions, that I am either zoned out, dissociated, or thinking of suicide and really wishing that was an option.

Betrayal. Abandonment. Someone minimizing trauma,. Knowing I’ve trusted someone I shouldn’t. Knowing I thought someone genuinely cared – yet all along they didn’t. People making excuses for those who cause others to suffer. Intense pain. Grieving the loss of a significant relationship.

You’d think I’d be used to it by now. It’s a pattern in my life. Repeated over and over. Deepening the wounds every time.

It hurts. More than I can explain.

I was suicidal last night. Thinking of ways I could end my life.

It’s only knowing I will hurt my children if I do that, that stops me. Their pain if I did that, matters more, than the pain I feel now.

All I do know, is to stop this pattern occurring anymore, I have stay away from people.

Trust no-one.

Depend on no-one.

Minimize the opportunity for people to hurt you.

Protect myself.

When I reflect, the worst times I have endured, during the last 25 years…… are when trying to trust people. When sharing my past. When letting anyone in. When hoping someone will care and help me.

I won’t be doing it ever again.

~ Lilly Hope




Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

12 thoughts on “I won’t be repeating this, ever again.

  1. Hey, don’t jump and leave all of us behind!!! It is amazing, all the writing that you do, then other people want your advice !!! It must be exhausting !!

    • Thank you ❤

      I am exhausted and overwhelmed, but I know it's up to me to manage my life and what I need to do.

      I am taking a few days, to figure out how to manage my life and deal with the reality of the situation I am in.

      I'm trying to have self care, rest, do some things around the house when I can.

      I'm trying to follow the advice I readily give others.

  2. I wish I had the words to make it better for you but I don’t. All I can offer you is kind thoughts and prayer. I think you have made a wise decision to take some time off to care for yourself. God bless

  3. Look after yourself Lilly and I am so sorry someone has hurt you again. I sincerely hope it wasn’t someone too close to you.You have your wonderful children to live for as you keep saying..You deserve better, you deserve all the love and support in the world! ❤

  4. Thank you all ❤

    I am in a place of protection and safety, to keep myself going. I have children and would never want to traumatise them.

    But, it's still okay to acknowledge and validate our own painful emotions and manage them as best we can.

    Lots of love, Lilly ❤

  5. I appreciate what you do so much, Lilly. Thank God for our children, as it is my son that has kept me here, too. And yet, the thought of just closing one’s eyes and never waking up sounds like relief and release from this prison of the mind.

    I have just recently finished 20 weeks of ISTDP (Intense Short Term Dynamic Psychotherapy) at our Hospital’s Centre for Emotions and Health, that has made me worse. I was pushed beyond my anxiety thresh hold to the point of dissociating with fear and terror rising up intensely in many sessions. It has been touted as the Cadillac of therapies for us, but only as good as the adeptness of the therapist. I trusted. He opened up the can of worms and throwing me to the curb.

    I have spiraled and been set back 3 years. I’m a mess. My therapy has been extended as I try to find other treatment, but only because I fought through the Patient representative. My therapist is missing so many things, like pushing for feelings while I am in the midst of zoning out and the terror level is off the charts.

    I am at a loss as to what to do, now. I have been told I am taking up clinic time for people on the wait list to get into this therapy. It is a teaching and research facility and I have become a statistic, mattering not what my outcome has been! 10 -15% of patients are not helped in this type of therapy due to no therapeutic alliance and or lack of clinician skill they say in their publishes works on ISTDP.

    It took until week 15 for me to realize that my memories were from the perspective of observer, referring to “she” and “her” when addressing my inner child. I fade in and out of the fact that SHE was ME! And that is painful to process, so much so, I cannot stay in that reality for long.

    I trusted. I opened up. Now it is as though I have been rejected and just a stat as a failed therapy for their next research report. I feel abused, again! By someone who promised to help me…but only because I trusted him.

    Never trust anyone! Depend on no one. That is the way it has to be.

  6. Reading this entry made me feel less alone. It’s summer, I’m depressed, and I’m hating my body. Again, it just makes me feel better that I’m not the only one who’s depressed.

  7. Your life is a precious gift to you and us

  8. once again, you are a blessing

  9. Hi Lilly,
    I so understand your pains & your thoughts & feelings…thank you so much for your honesty. Just a thought…have you ever considered neurofeedback as an extra help for your brain? I have been having sessions & it is definitely helping me. With love, Donna

  10. I’m very sorry that this has happened to you…am sending lots of prayers & support. Really admire you & the courage you have no matter how bad things get.

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