I have been feeling as bad as it can get, over the last few days. Such intense emotions, that I am either zoned out, dissociated, or thinking of suicide and really wishing that was an option.
Betrayal. Abandonment. Someone minimizing trauma,. Knowing I’ve trusted someone I shouldn’t. Knowing I thought someone genuinely cared – yet all along they didn’t. People making excuses for those who cause others to suffer. Intense pain. Grieving the loss of a significant relationship.
You’d think I’d be used to it by now. It’s a pattern in my life. Repeated over and over. Deepening the wounds every time.
It hurts. More than I can explain.
I was suicidal last night. Thinking of ways I could end my life.
It’s only knowing I will hurt my children if I do that, that stops me. Their pain if I did that, matters more, than the pain I feel now.
All I do know, is to stop this pattern occurring anymore, I have stay away from people.
Depend on no-one.
Minimize the opportunity for people to hurt you.
When I reflect, the worst times I have endured, during the last 25 years…… are when trying to trust people. When sharing my past. When letting anyone in. When hoping someone will care and help me.
I won’t be doing it ever again.
~ Lilly Hope