Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


So over the victim shaming, shame shifting rhetoric, from ‘professionals’

It is becoming increasingly evident to me, of the rhetoric within the mental health profession, of focussing on the how the victim of harmful toxic behaviour ‘should’ think respond, react. And shaming them for reacting with emotions such as anger.

Within the last few weeks, I have faced seeing a book written by a mental health professional stating ‘there are no victims, there are no villains’. ‘There are no angels there are no demons’. (Note ‘there are no angels implies the victim is somehow at fault and minimizing the responsibility of the perpetrator). With no clarification this is only referencing your average families, with average behaviours. No clarification this not at all appropriate for situations where intentional ongoing abuse is occurring.

There are indeed victims and villains, angels and demons and it is incredible toxic to suggest differently.

I’ve also been following a page of a well know marriage guidance mental health profession team – a husband and wife team – with the perfect marriage – telling everyone else how they should act and respond. As per their rhetoric – you ‘should never’ respond to anything from your spouse, with accusations, contempt, anger etc. No matter what they are doing.  You should always remain calm, and not upset the other person. Criticising, contempt, accusations of ‘any’ kind – makes ‘you’ the bad person. Again – no clarification that this only applies to your average, surface, minor marriage issues. So as per this duo, you should never respond to an affair, constant lying, constant disrespect, emotional abuse etc from your partner – with anger, disgust, contempt, criticism etc.

Total bullshit. You have every right to be angry, to criticise toxic behaviour and show contempt and disgust…. for intentional abusive behaviour.

Both of these attitudes perpetuated by these ‘professionals’ are about invalidating, normalising and minimizing abusive behaviour….. and shifting the focus and responsibility away from the perpetrator and shaming the victim for their needed, normal and human appropriate responses.

So, as per these professionals, you are supposed to never accept you are being victimised, remain completely calm, not be angry with the perpetrator, and just remain calm and zen like and not upset the perpetrator, in any way. Or define they as abusers. And if you do – you are the bad person.

See the shame shifting there. I see it clearly. Continue reading


I spend a lot of time, telling abuse survivors “I’m so sorry”.

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Throughout my work, online, my website, my social media…. I have a lot of survivors express the abuse and harm they have endured. This harm can be from the abusers, from the family/friends/people who ignored it, from people who victim shamed and victim blamed, from religious people, from unhealthy therapists…. the list is endless.

Whenever someone shares their pain, and what they are enduring, I always say I am so sorry they have endured this. And they did not deserve this, in any way.

I say I am so sorry – because I may be the only person who says that. I may be the only person who validates their pain. I may be the only person who says they never deserved it.

Saying ‘I am so sorry’ are powerful words. Often abuse survivors never hear those words. Often all survivors hear is denial, excuses, minimization, and a range of other harmful and toxic responses.

And I always truly mean it. I am so sorry that any person is abused. Continue reading


Professional review of my Website & work

Endorsing your website & blog

Lilly, your website and blog (and in particular your posters with quotes) are a valuable resource to those dealing with trauma of various sorts.
My experience is that people with PTSD are often living in isolation thinking what they are going through is unique to them.
Your website, as well as what you post on Twitter and elsewhere, helps to normalize their experience and to not feel they are alone in it.
Your postings also help to inform them (and me), which is great.
As a therapist, and knowing people who are dealing with CPTSD, I’ve found what you write to be very helpful and a beacon of light in the midst of darkness…

Continue reading


Feedback about my work, that touched my heart.

Encouragement for you and thank you!

Lilly, I just want to say thank you from the depths of my heart for your blog. It’s so refreshing to read what you’ve learned and think “OMG… She knows my heart. She gets me. She feels the same thing. She understands.” And thank you for educating us all on what you’re learning on your journey to healing.
Many times I’ve read something and realized “so that’s why I do this” or “that’s why I struggle with that” or “so that’s what it’s called!” It isn’t just me!” And my favorite was when I realized I’m not abnormal. I just happened to survive an abnormal situation which changed me and made me look at life and think different than people who haven’t had to survive a trauma… Wanting to survive is normal so we find ways to cope. A normal response-wanting to survive- to abnormal situations-trauma- which cause life long damage because we are learning to do things in abnormal situations that in normal situations we’d learn to differently.
Now I’m trying to unravel, untwist, untangle, unwind, and undo years of damage. I don’t know you but the way you say what think and feel to help others in a way that is truthful, sincere, non judgmental but with wise discernment, and wanting to educate, encourage, and help others heal… I love that about you.
Thank you for being so authentic. I just wanted to say thank you and to encourage you to keep at it! You’re helping so many people, making such a difference in the lives of others who’ve been broken. You’ve really made a difference in my life.
Thank you! I hope our paths cross someday.

Continue reading


So thankful when I connect with others who understand my thinking

I wrote a post 4 years ago, about ‘how can narcissists/sociopaths/psychopaths be Christians? This was following being abused by a narcissist pastor and his equally narcissist wife.

The post I wrote, gained a lot of attention, with some commenters saying yes they can, because Jesus or God will ‘make them’ Christians. But, God doesn’t ‘make’ us do anything. He gave us free will. We have to want to surrender to God. We have to want to change our behaviour, our attitudes etc.

Following a post about spiritual abuse, Shannon commented – with exactly the same thinking I have. And as so few people think they way I do…. it is so good to see my understanding mirrored by another Christian, who is also a mental health professional.

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I am so thankful to have connected with Shannon Thomas. Much of her thinking, is the same as mine and has that depth of insight I crave from other people.

Thank you God, for putting someone in my life, who ‘gets me’.