It takes courage to accept where you are, what the reality of your life is. And to stop hoping it will change, when it clearly won’t.
I am in a reality where I am stuck.
Trapped.
My children and their needs, have to come before my own.
So I remain within a situation I cannot escape.
And that forces me into further aloneness.
I am not physically alone.
But, I am alone…. emotionally, mentally.
You cannot find deep and genuine adult connections or love, with people who are not capable of them, or with people who cannot return them.
So, I accept my reality.
And I have given up assuming it will change.
I am grieving this reality.
The reality, of being completely alone.
And this is not some complex trauma distorted thinking, as some would assume.
It is my actual reality.
My life has always been unhealthy relationships, or caring about people who do not care about me in return.
I know why and accept that is how my life has gone and I can’t change it.
Alone, is how it has always been…. and will continue to be for a long time.
Which hurts.
Because 45 years of being alone, is already far too long.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD 
July 11, 2016 at 12:15 am
Oh dear Lilly, I know your pain (55 yrs) and wonder all the same. This morning I wrote this and thought I would share.
She is Me
Under haunted skies I see her standing there,
Reaching out for arms to hold her, someone to care.
She’s braved a thousand storms standing alone,
Cause the hands she reached for always cut her to the bone.
She can’t run and in the dark she holds her breath,
Frozen in fear she tries to pray the pain to death.
But, it won’t leave and she plays dead on the floor,
There’s no one to hear her, no more reason for her to roar.
“Who am I”, echoes so loudly through my mind,
Somewhere I know that she is me and I can’t find,
The strength to bear all that she’s been through.
The horror and the pain broke her very soul;
Love should have grown there, her heart’s an empty hole.
Just touching her hand brings me to my knee,
And I can’t breathe when I know that she is me,
And I want to die when the pain is so great;
Can I bring her to light and love her or am I too late.
July 11, 2016 at 1:04 am
This post describes so powerfully and accurately the aloneness that results from ongoing trauma & abuse.
Thank you so much for sharing your pain and courage about this kind of aloneness.
I’m in a similar situation and this post is extremely helpful.
July 12, 2016 at 12:41 am
Wow. It’s like you read my mind and wrote my exact feelings. I realized recently the reason I am not able to move forward through this situation is because I am stuck in mourning…endless grief for all the hopes and dreams that will NEVER happen and there is nothing I can do about it. Mourning my inability to help myself or my kids. Mourning the wasted time and energy that has been devoted to caring for all the emotional vampires in my life throughout the years. I seem to be a giant bottomless pit of grief. And yes, it is very isolating. Oddly, the more people around me, the more isolated I feel. I look at them and it’s as if they’re not even on the same planet as me.
July 14, 2016 at 9:20 am
Lilly, you have helped me again. I too know this aloneness.
July 24, 2016 at 2:10 am
Thank you for writing this, I too know how it feels to be so alone. But I don’t think that loneliness will always be your reality, in time you will heal.
July 25, 2016 at 10:17 pm
Thank you, I hope it will not always remain this way. For now, it is my reality, but I do need to hold onto hope, that it will change.
Much love, Lilly ❤