Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I have accepted my aloneness


lady lying down

It takes courage to accept where you are, what the reality of your life is. And to stop hoping it will change, when it clearly won’t.

I am in a reality where I am stuck.


My children and their needs, have to come before my own.

So I remain within a situation I cannot escape.

And that forces me into further aloneness.

I am not physically alone.

But, I am alone…. emotionally, mentally.

You cannot find deep and genuine adult connections or love, with people who are not capable of them, or with people who cannot return them.

So, I accept my reality.

And I have given up assuming it will change.

I am grieving this reality.

The reality, of being completely alone.

And this is not some complex trauma distorted thinking, as some would assume.

It is my actual reality.

My life has always been unhealthy relationships, or caring about people who do not care about me in return.

I know why and accept that is how my life has gone and I can’t change it.

Alone, is how it has always been…. and will continue to be for a long time.

Which hurts.

Because 45 years of being alone, is already far too long.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle.

6 thoughts on “I have accepted my aloneness

  1. Oh dear Lilly, I know your pain (55 yrs) and wonder all the same. This morning I wrote this and thought I would share.

    She is Me

    Under haunted skies I see her standing there,
    Reaching out for arms to hold her, someone to care.
    She’s braved a thousand storms standing alone,
    Cause the hands she reached for always cut her to the bone.

    She can’t run and in the dark she holds her breath,
    Frozen in fear she tries to pray the pain to death.
    But, it won’t leave and she plays dead on the floor,
    There’s no one to hear her, no more reason for her to roar.

    “Who am I”, echoes so loudly through my mind,
    Somewhere I know that she is me and I can’t find,
    The strength to bear all that she’s been through.
    The horror and the pain broke her very soul;
    Love should have grown there, her heart’s an empty hole.

    Just touching her hand brings me to my knee,
    And I can’t breathe when I know that she is me,
    And I want to die when the pain is so great;
    Can I bring her to light and love her or am I too late.

  2. This post describes so powerfully and accurately the aloneness that results from ongoing trauma & abuse.

    Thank you so much for sharing your pain and courage about this kind of aloneness.

    I’m in a similar situation and this post is extremely helpful.

  3. Wow. It’s like you read my mind and wrote my exact feelings. I realized recently the reason I am not able to move forward through this situation is because I am stuck in mourning…endless grief for all the hopes and dreams that will NEVER happen and there is nothing I can do about it. Mourning my inability to help myself or my kids. Mourning the wasted time and energy that has been devoted to caring for all the emotional vampires in my life throughout the years. I seem to be a giant bottomless pit of grief. And yes, it is very isolating. Oddly, the more people around me, the more isolated I feel. I look at them and it’s as if they’re not even on the same planet as me.

  4. Lilly, you have helped me again. I too know this aloneness.

  5. Thank you for writing this, I too know how it feels to be so alone. But I don’t think that loneliness will always be your reality, in time you will heal.

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