It is becoming increasingly evident to me, of the rhetoric within the mental health profession, of focussing on the how the victim of harmful toxic behaviour ‘should’ think respond, react. And shaming them for reacting with emotions such as anger.
Within the last few weeks, I have faced seeing a book written by a mental health professional stating ‘there are no victims, there are no villains’. ‘There are no angels there are no demons’. (Note ‘there are no angels implies the victim is somehow at fault and minimizing the responsibility of the perpetrator). With no clarification this is only referencing your average families, with average behaviours. No clarification this not at all appropriate for situations where intentional ongoing abuse is occurring.
There are indeed victims and villains, angels and demons and it is incredible toxic to suggest differently.
I’ve also been following a page of a well know marriage guidance mental health profession team – a husband and wife team – with the perfect marriage – telling everyone else how they should act and respond. As per their rhetoric – you ‘should never’ respond to anything from your spouse, with accusations, contempt, anger etc. No matter what they are doing. You should always remain calm, and not upset the other person. Criticising, contempt, accusations of ‘any’ kind – makes ‘you’ the bad person. Again – no clarification that this only applies to your average, surface, minor marriage issues. So as per this duo, you should never respond to an affair, constant lying, constant disrespect, emotional abuse etc from your partner – with anger, disgust, contempt, criticism etc.
Total bullshit. You have every right to be angry, to criticise toxic behaviour and show contempt and disgust…. for intentional abusive behaviour.
Both of these attitudes perpetuated by these ‘professionals’ are about invalidating, normalising and minimizing abusive behaviour….. and shifting the focus and responsibility away from the perpetrator and shaming the victim for their needed, normal and human appropriate responses.
So, as per these professionals, you are supposed to never accept you are being victimised, remain completely calm, not be angry with the perpetrator, and just remain calm and zen like and not upset the perpetrator, in any way. Or define they as abusers. And if you do – you are the bad person.
See the shame shifting there. I see it clearly.
It’s all about shaming the victim, who must not even identify with being a victim, as then they will be shamed for not being a strong, calm, always patient person, who must never upset the person causing harm.
And where is the focus on the perpetrator….. that’s right…. there is none. They are not abusers, they are not villains, they are not needing criticism or contempt. No matter what they do, how often they do it, how intentional the abuse is, or how much harm they cause.
What’s even worse, is seeing how many people are buying into this toxic bullshit.