I’ve got to that point in my journey, where I have realised the deep and toxic affects of shame. I’ve been dealing with shame since childhood. When abuse is your normal, and you endure it from as far back as you remember, it becomes your normal.
I feel really sad for myself sometimes when I face the harsh realities of my life.
Abuse, is my normal.
Being used, is my normal.
Toxic people abusing my vulnerabilities and soft boundaries, is my normal.
Shame, is my normal.
Or… was my normal. Now I am trying to not repeat any of these in my life.
Except for shame. Shame is a real hard one to deal with. I can address the soft boundaries, the lack of self esteem. I can address not ignoring red flags and knowing what a healthy person looks like. So I can work on those and I am.
But shame is hard.
I have shame, about having shame. That’s how bad it is.
I have these deeply embedded beliefs, that I am not someone people want to be nice to. And for whatever reason – people enjoy manipulating, abusing and using me. And why would I not think that, when that is exactly what I have had throughout my life?
Every relationship I have ever had, was unhealthy. And unhealthy, toxic people, have taken full advantage of my deep down shame induced issues – where I tolerated abuse, I tolerated them using me. And didn’t stand up for myself. After all, my own mother didn’t love me, and wanted me abused. And that continued on. Being abused and used is all I’m good for… are the messages I’ve had…. so that has become part of who I am and what I believe about myself.
As my counsellor tried to deal with this today, I could tell that I can’t even verbalise what I am feeling. Only that this area of my healing feels very unsafe, wrong, painful, dangerous and somewhere I would rather avoid. So I sat squirming in my chair, not even able to look at her. Despite the fact that she handled it well and kept it safe to talk…… or not talk.
Shame just keeps on demanding to be felt and dealt with.
Damn you shame! You won’t f***ing go away! And you are not going to go away, unless I deal with you. *sigh.
There is a quote that says, emotions cannot be supressed, or they will manifest in other ways. Often shame looks like depression. Sadness. Grieving. Self hate. Self loathing. Isolation. Emotional self harm. Belief systems that deep down are about not being worthy of love, care, respect. Continue reading