I’ve got to that point in my journey, where I have realised the deep and toxic affects of shame. I’ve been dealing with shame since childhood. When abuse is your normal, and you endure it from as far back as you remember, it becomes your normal.
I feel really sad for myself sometimes when I face the harsh realities of my life.
Abuse, is my normal.
Being used, is my normal.
Toxic people abusing my vulnerabilities and soft boundaries, is my normal.
Shame, is my normal.
Or… was my normal. Now I am trying to not repeat any of these in my life.
Except for shame. Shame is a real hard one to deal with. I can address the soft boundaries, the lack of self esteem. I can address not ignoring red flags and knowing what a healthy person looks like. So I can work on those and I am.
But shame is hard.
I have shame, about having shame. That’s how bad it is.
I have these deeply embedded beliefs, that I am not someone people want to be nice to. And for whatever reason – people enjoy manipulating, abusing and using me. And why would I not think that, when that is exactly what I have had throughout my life?
Every relationship I have ever had, was unhealthy. And unhealthy, toxic people, have taken full advantage of my deep down shame induced issues – where I tolerated abuse, I tolerated them using me. And didn’t stand up for myself. After all, my own mother didn’t love me, and wanted me abused. And that continued on. Being abused and used is all I’m good for… are the messages I’ve had…. so that has become part of who I am and what I believe about myself.
As my counsellor tried to deal with this today, I could tell that I can’t even verbalise what I am feeling. Only that this area of my healing feels very unsafe, wrong, painful, dangerous and somewhere I would rather avoid. So I sat squirming in my chair, not even able to look at her. Despite the fact that she handled it well and kept it safe to talk…… or not talk.
Shame just keeps on demanding to be felt and dealt with.
Damn you shame! You won’t f***ing go away! And you are not going to go away, unless I deal with you. *sigh.
There is a quote that says, emotions cannot be supressed, or they will manifest in other ways. Often shame looks like depression. Sadness. Grieving. Self hate. Self loathing. Isolation. Emotional self harm. Belief systems that deep down are about not being worthy of love, care, respect.
I emailed my counsellor before todays session and told her I feel still… like there must be something inherently wrong with me…. and maybe I am just not able to see it. She told me that was not true, and there is nothing wrong with me, or anything that would in anyway deserve abuse. Which I understand on an intellectual level. And I tell everyone else that. But, I know deep down the shame issues, of never having anyone in my life actually genuinely love me, or care about me…… is a hard burden and reality to bear.
It makes me want to give up on relationships. It makes me want to not ever try, because it’s too hard. This blog is full of blogs where I have said I have given up. Where I believe I am just destined to be alone. Where the pain gets so intense about this…. that I just give in to the aloneness, that has always been my life.
But…. something always draws me back out of that place of isolated safety…. where I am alone. And makes me want to try and face these issues.
My counsellor explained we are created to have relationships, to have love and care in our lives, as well as giving this to others. We are created for relationships and to be loved.
I guess the yearning for that is normal.
And the only way to have healthy relationships…. is to be willing to work at being in them.
And that creates a lot of fear. It feels unsafe. It feels weird. It’s definitely not my normal. It’s well out my comfort zone.
But….. this is part of the journey.
I can understand why many people do give up on this. It’s really hard. It’s fear inducing.
But, I am going to keep trying.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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