Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Dealing with shame….. is so hard ~ Lilly Hope Lucario


I’ve got to that point in my journey, where I have realised the deep and toxic affects of shame. I’ve been dealing with shame since childhood. When abuse is your normal, and you endure it from as far back as you remember, it becomes your normal.

I feel really sad for myself sometimes when I face the harsh realities of my life.

Abuse, is my normal.

Being used, is my normal.

Toxic people abusing my vulnerabilities and soft boundaries, is my normal.

Shame, is my normal.



Or… was my normal. Now I am trying to not repeat any of these in my life.

Except for shame. Shame is a real hard one to deal with. I can address the soft boundaries, the lack of self esteem. I can address not ignoring red flags and knowing what a healthy person looks like. So I can work on those and I am.

But shame is hard.

I have shame, about having shame. That’s how bad it is.



I have these deeply embedded beliefs, that I am not someone people want to be nice to. And for whatever reason – people enjoy manipulating, abusing and using me. And why would I not think that, when that is exactly what I have had throughout my life?

Every relationship I have ever had, was unhealthy. And unhealthy, toxic people, have taken full advantage of my deep down shame induced issues – where I tolerated abuse, I tolerated them using me. And didn’t stand up for myself. After all, my own mother didn’t love me, and wanted me abused. And that continued on. Being abused and used is all I’m good for… are the messages I’ve had…. so that has become part of who I am and what I believe about myself.

As my counsellor tried to deal with this today, I could tell that I can’t even verbalise what I am feeling. Only that this area of my healing feels very unsafe, wrong, painful, dangerous and somewhere I would rather avoid. So I sat squirming in my chair, not even able to look at her. Despite the fact that she handled it well and kept it safe to talk…… or not talk.

Shame just keeps on demanding to be felt and dealt with.

Damn you shame! You won’t f***ing go away! And you are not going to go away, unless I deal with you. *sigh.

There is a quote that says, emotions cannot be supressed, or they will manifest in other ways. Often shame looks like depression. Sadness. Grieving. Self hate. Self loathing. Isolation. Emotional self harm. Belief systems that deep down are about not being worthy of love, care, respect.

I emailed my counsellor before todays session and told her I feel still… like there must be something inherently wrong with me…. and maybe I am just not able to see it. She told me that was not true, and there is nothing wrong with me, or anything that would in anyway deserve abuse. Which I understand on an intellectual level. And I tell everyone else that. But, I know deep down the shame issues, of never having anyone in my life actually genuinely love me, or care about me…… is a hard burden and reality to bear.

It makes me want to give up on relationships. It makes me want to not ever try, because it’s too hard. This blog is full of blogs where I have said I have given up. Where I believe I am just destined to be alone. Where the pain gets so intense about this…. that I just give in to the aloneness, that has always been my life.

But…. something always draws me back out of that place of isolated safety…. where I am alone. And makes me want to try and face these issues.

My counsellor explained we are created to have relationships, to have love and care in our lives, as well as giving this to others. We are created for relationships and to be loved.

I guess the yearning for that is normal.

And the only way to have healthy relationships…. is to be willing to work at being in them.

And that creates a lot of fear. It feels unsafe. It feels weird. It’s definitely not my normal. It’s well out my comfort zone.

But….. this is part of the journey.

I can understand why many people do give up on this. It’s really hard. It’s fear inducing.

But, I am going to keep trying.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle.

15 thoughts on “Dealing with shame….. is so hard ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

  1. Pingback: Dealing with shame….. is so hard ~ Lilly Hope Lucario – whitemoontsukishiro

  2. Lilly, you have so accurately and wisely described exactly what the shame we deal with is like.

    For me it feels like the shame is so deep and pervasive that it’s part of my DNA and in my bone marrow. It seems to have no bottom and no end. No way to release it because how do I rid myself of my own DNA?

    Like you I’ve been able to improve my self esteem and boundaries etc but shame is like a toxic mold that is inside everything and is impossible to clean out.

    Reading this post helped ease my despair because now I have a greater understanding of it and even more importantly this post gives me VALIDATION!!!!!!

    Thank you!

  3. You stated exactly how I feel.Shame is something hard to talk about and hard to understand myself.I think Shame is so strong because it leaves you with no Hope.It undermined any action I took to heal from childhood abuse and traumas in my life.But the more you let it the more it grows.Im learning that now.Its almost like addictive behavior that you have to identify and talk back to.Im accepting that people who abused or mistreated me deseve some shame too but whether they realize doesnt hurt me as much anymore.

  4. Reading these blogs/comments have me considering that I have yet to know my deep shame. Guess I have to work on it and not push it away!! Thank you!!

  5. your words read like i wrote them myself, THANK YOU for showing me im not alone and what i think and how i feel isnt weird or crazy or mad, its just me. and i will be a survior,

  6. Please keep on trying, Lilly (and others). I have been on this journey for more than a quarter century. Do not despair when you reach a stage that feels as if you simply cannot go any farther. Life, if you choose to participate in it, will continue to reflect new lessons back to you and your “job” is to keep working at recovery from early childhood trauma. It is better to re-direct the shame you are feeling toward loving the child who had the capacity to figure out how to survive, no matter how many stumbles there were along the way.

    From my vantage point it really isn’t like you finally get “there” and your life is in harmony with all your expectations. I believe that all sentient beings can handle only a fraction of their particular brand of inner turmoil at any given stage of their life. Yet live we must if we are to have any expectation of peace.

    One may find a loving relationship in which to exist but that inevitably involves some kinds of compromise between independent beings. Our self-love will not be fully satisfied by “an other“ even though great healing may take place. Some accommodation to your personal trauma experience will endure, whether you choose to be alone or take the risk to be with a partner, because one simply cannot un-live that trauma experience. A new job, the challenge of an emerging family, a relocation, and, yes, even the death of your beloved will re-ignite that resolve to push forward to a new level of peace. That is how it works for survivors. There is no timetable for healing. I know this. The capacity to learn is all that is required.

  7. To all who have commented, I am sad that so many relate to this, because I don’t want any survivor to be enduring this.
    But, I know many are, and this is why I share these blogs.
    It makes me feel very vulnerable to share these issues with anyone on the internet who reads them. But, I know they help validate other people’s pain and journey.
    Much love, Lilly❤❤

  8. Thank you for writing and sharing this! Makes me feel less alone, what you are describing is my every day reality, survived childhood with toxic abusive parents… 💜

  9. Thank you for sharing. Of all the things I have always felt is shame. You wrote it so eloquently. I am working on my boundaries and being happy but the shame is and always has been there. I have revealed on several sites that the “forgiving yourself” part is the toughest part of all. We are all only human and are born and live mistakes but the shame…..I feel it every day and do my best to move forward. To know we are not allowed is so very helpful! Thank you

  10. I feel dirty. Like I might contaminate people around me. I think this may be a form of shame. Or maybe guilt

  11. Thank you to everyone for commenting. I realise this blog is very meaningful for many, as shame is something so many of us endured and have done for a long time.

    Shame is something I am realising has affected my life is so many ways and I am now addressing some of this is counselling.

    I am glad to share this blog and part of my journey, so others feel less alone in their struggles too.

    Much love, Lilly❤❤

  12. Your blog resonates with me, I am grateful for the insight and advice. Shame has followed me throughout my life and the battle is exhausting. Knowing I am not alone helps greatly, thank you

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