Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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Developing healthy boundaries, is not about hating people, being mean, or wanting to hurt people back ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

 

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Developing, implementing and maintaining healthy boundaries, is not easy. It feels weird, especially when you are someone who has always had soft boundaries.

I talk a lot about emotional boundaries, because I know they are vital in not being harmed anymore. They also help people control their emotional reactions and responses. I’ve had to learn boundaries and not get upset and react immediately at someone being hurtful, or toxic. I’ve spent a lot of energy learning self control, and I am consistently better at this.

Toxic/unhealthy people, will demand your boundaries are harmful. Of course they will, they don’t want you to implement something that stops them trampling over you emotionally. It will bug the shit out of toxic people, that they are no longer able to upset you, or they can’t do and say what they want. And in their entitled selfish minds, they should be allowed to do anything – and have no-one tell them differently. And they will see it as an attack to their ego if you show them this is not being tolerated. ‘How dare you stop me upsetting/harming you’. It’s always ‘all about toxic people’s needs’, in their selfish minds. When you look at the behaviour – it is like a toddler acting up and having a tantrum. That emotional development level stuck as a young child, as many narcissistic people are.

It will also create anger in people who have beliefs and issues they don’t want to confront about self. Cognitive dissonance is a real issue with toxic people. Today, I wrote a poster about ‘hurting other people being a choice’, and how ‘many people who have been abused, don’t abuse others’. That led to a very mixed reaction and about 8 people being banned from my page – for making excuses for being abusive to others. Bear in mind my page is for abuse survivors – not abusers. So, three of the banned people then stalked me by email. All that did, was prove I made the right choice to ban them. I’ve been told in counselling, when these people email me to tell me they are not happy with my boundaries, they are stalking. I ignore such emails now.

I don’t tolerate people making excuses for abusing people, and that is a boundary crossed that I don’t tolerate on my page. I make that very clear and I even warn people, not to make excuses. Yet, some still did… Continue reading


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The Toxic Shame Of The Ultimate Betrayal ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

At my last counselling session, something was said that made me realise, I still deep down believe I deserve all the abuse. I was discussing ongoing issues I have in my life, that are not okay and impact my wellbeing and my healing.

I said “don’t I now deserve to have genuine love, compassion, honesty, integrity, someone who has my back, non selfish behaviours, someone who actually cares about my needs and what I’ve endured?”

My counsellor replied, “you always deserved that”.

But, did I?

It was one of those moments, where I could see what those statements meant. I do believe on some level – I deserve a real and genuine relationship based upon trust, honesty, love, compassion etc ‘now’….. but it’s like I feel all I have previously endured, was in some way deserved.

I do know I am supposed to truly believe I never deserved to be abused. I do try to believe I always deserved a good childhood, good parents, good partners. But, I still only know this on some intellectual level, but not on a deeper emotional level. And I truly believe this for other people, and I tell them so.

I know this is still related to shame. That toxic and insidious shame, that years of abuse can create, that is woven into the very fabric of your being.

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I know I still don’t understand why some people get good parents, good childhoods and others don’t? Why some have normal lives, and some have horrific trauma?

But, this shame goes deeper than that. When I start thinking about this, I start wondering why it seems God loves some people more than others? Because He creates us. He knows what we will endure. It feels still, like the ultimate betrayal. From my heavenly Father. And that in itself, creates more of that toxic shame, that makes me believe I must have deserved it. After all, it is what God chose for me to be born into.

It’s really painful, and adds to my abandonment, betrayal, not good enough, toxic shame issues.

And no-one has an answer, that adequately explains why God chooses who each of us end up with as family. Why did He decide I deserved my family? Why was I not good enough for love, protection, kindness, compassion? And because there is no answer that makes sense, or explains it in a way that shows God loves me, as much as people He chooses to have good families, I can’t get past this issue.

I’m a deep thinker, who is not appeased by shallow beliefs, or being told to just accept it, or by thinking that makes no sense to me. Or by being told abuse is love. Or that I just have to believe something that just seems like a big red flag.   Continue reading


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Why Black & White Thinking Is Harmful & Needs To Be Ignored ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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I really am so over seeing how other people think we ‘must’ always be…

 

Examples…

~ Like we ‘must’ always be ‘so strong’ all the time. Other people’s idea of strong, is not always what is necessary in each individual situation. And if we don’t meet their expectations, that does not make us weaker.

~ Like we ‘must’ always speak up and expose abusers etc. That is not always safe or the right thing to do, as it could worsen our situation. In fact, speaking up can cause more harm, and must be approached carefully and with caution.

~ Like we ‘must’ always be strong warrior survivors…. when that simply shames people who are struggling – and there is NO shame in struggling. And if some people need to wear that identity of being a warrior, that is fine, but they don’t get to shame others in the process.

~ Like we ‘must’ always go no contact with toxic people…. which is not always the right choice in every situation. Boundaries are necessary, but no contact is not always appropriate.

~ Like we ‘must’ forgive otherwise we will not heal, which is untrue and can cause a lot of damage in the healing journey. Premature forgiveness, is harmful. And you can heal without forgiving heinous intentional abuse.

Please do not listen to other people’s demands of these ‘absolutes’, when their journey and their reality – is not yours. And nor should it be.

Black and white thinking – which is what this issue is – is poor cognitive processing and cognitively distorted thinking. And a lack of empathy. Which needs to be ignored.

We each have our own journey, our own needs and they will often be different to others.

There is no ‘perfect’ or ‘one’ way to survive trauma and deal with the consequences of it.

And please don’t allow anyone to shame you into believing you are weak, or in some way inferior, as a result of your different needs.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

All blogs written by Lilly Hope Lucario and subject to © Copyright Protected.

All rights reserved.

No part of any entry/blog, may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, screenshots, copying & pasting, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods.

This includes adaptations in all forms of media.

 

 

 


Unmet Childhood Needs, Don’t Just Go Away ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

dsc_2323-003I found inner child healing helped me to meet many of my unmet childhood needs.

My therapy is also where some of these needs are met. I am aware of transference and how normal this is, in therapy for healing childhood complex trauma.

I have info about inner child healing on my Website

@ http://www.healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.com/inner-child-healing Continue reading


Complex PTSD, Real Human Emotions And Trust ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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It is so important for many complex trauma survivors to see normal and appropriate human reactions – to the horror and abuse they have endured.

My therapist had tears today as we discussed my childhood and my highly abusive mother. My therapist had a good mother and yet was upset knowing how much I missed out, in having a sociopathic/narcissistic mother. So much so, that she had tears.

We’ve had conversations in the past where I have stated when people (including her) don’t have normal reactions to heinous abuse and abusers…. it flags as dangerous to me. It makes me shut down and prevents any trust in that person.

So, it was very validating and helpful in my increasing trust in my therapist, to see this normal human reaction of compassion for all I endured and all the pain, loss and grief I endure.

Building trust with people, when you have suffered so much trauma and betrayal – can take a long time.

I’ve been in therapy now nearly 5 years, and it’s been a rocky time. But, I am in a place, where I am feeling ‘safe enough’ and have enough trust to talk about the worst things, the shame I feel and the pain.

Real, normal human emotions to what we have endured… matters.

And feeling ‘safe enough’ is vital for many of us.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

All blogs written by Lilly Hope Lucario and subject to © Copyright Protected.

All rights reserved.

No part of any entry/blog, may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, screenshots, copying & pasting, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods.

This includes adaptations in all forms of media.

 

 

 


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I will write about how parents abuse their children – whether people like it, or not ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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It is true that parents can humiliate, hit and emotionally abuse and neglect their children…. and people are not allowed to say this is wrong…. and if we do, we get accused of ‘shaming parents’, or ‘judging parents’.
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Yet, the effects of abuse and neglect are considerable and this should be the priority. Not the egos of parents, who don’t want to self reflect or be honest with themselves.
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I do speak up about parenting styles and I do advocate for children being treated with the same respect and dignity, adults want for themselves.
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I will always be an advocate for treating children appropriately, and I am unpopular with some parents as a result. But, that is of no interest to me.
Children need people to speak up for them, so I am one voice who does.

I don’t tolerate child abuse of any kind.

Continue reading


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Having my insight compared to Alice Miller, is a huge compliment ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I received feedback, that my insight aligns with Alice Miller. Alice Miller is a psychologist (doctorate), who is famous for her work on child abuse and the fuller consequences of being raised by toxic parents.

To have my insight, compared to hers, is well…. wow!

I have one of her books – The Drama Of The Gifted Child – on my book recommendation list.

Alice Miller does have profound insight into psychological and emotional abuse caused by toxic parents who have disturbed characters.

This is especially relevant to me, my childhood and the consequences of it…

Alice Miller writes…………..

  • There was a mother who at the core was emotionally insecure, and who depended for her narcissistic equilibrium on the child behaving, or acting, in a particular way. This mother was able to hide her insecurity from the child and from everyone else behind a hard, authoritarian and even totalitarian facade.

  • This child had an amazing ability to perceive and respond intuitively, that is, unconsciously, to this need of the mother or of both parents, for him to take on the role that had unconsciously been assigned to him.

  • This role secured “love” for the child—that is, his parents’ exploitation. He could sense that he was needed, and this need, guaranteed him a measure of existential security.

This ability is then extended and perfected. Later, these children not only become mothers of their own mothers, but also take over the responsibility for their siblings and eventually develop a special sensitivity to unconscious signals manifesting the needs of others.

I realise this parentification abuse and my toxic childhood, is how I formed my empathic capacity. My intuition. My depth of thinking capacity. My capacity to see past the masks people wear – to the real issues, motivations and needs beyond the mask. And my deep fear driven need, to work people out. Because I learned this young, to survive.

Alice Miller, was herself a child abuse survivor. It is always those who have survived lived experience of horror and heinous abuse by their own parents – that understand it to a greater depth.

Alice Miller also wrote….

“I betrayed that little girl. Only in recent years, with the help of therapy, which enabled me to lift the veil on this repression bit by bit, could I allow myself to experience the pain and desperation, the powerlessness and justified fury of that abused child. Only then did the dimensions of this crime against the child I once was, become clear to me.”

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Still learning to accept the positive things many people say about me ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Feedback I received today, which keeps encouraging me to write, reach out and bring darkness into the light.

Lilly–although you went through all kinds of Hell(s) to get here, YOU are a gift to all of us…an Angel. Thank you seems so inadequate. Almost immediately after I was diagnosed CPTSD (about 6 mos. ago–I am 61🙀), I dug for helpful information. I was led to your website…a treasure trove, a fountain of information! WOW, just wow…I’m just one of MANY who are blessed by your ability to rise above, survive, and then some (!) and putting all of your experience & pain to use as a vessel to help others…yep! You’re a gift 😇

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I’m not going to invalidate this feedback, minimize it in someway, or dilute the power of what I write and the depths of how meaningful my work is to others. And I continually receive comments and messages like this.

I have always dismissed all the positive feedback – because it’s hard for me to really believe good things about myself. As is typical of how many complex trauma survivors feel. Those deep down shame and ‘not good enough’ issues, are still there, but I am working on them

It has taken me several years of work and therapy, to know when people say these lovely things, they mean them and I should not dismiss it. It’s their opinion and they are entitled to that opinion and I should not just ignore it. Continue reading