Over the last year, I have been feeling and processing the needed emotions of anger, disgust, repulsion etc, about the abusers who intentionally caused much harm and suffering.
I did not want to go through these painful emotions. I don’t like feeling anger. It doesn’t feel safe, to feel angry. No doubt because I was never allowed to be angry, in any of the abusive situations. Any time I showed anything like anger, I was abused further. Which is typical of abusive, toxic people.
Over the last 4 years, anytime anger started to be felt, I pushed it away. I didn’t allow myself to feel it.
But, it got to the point where I had no choice but to feel these painful emotions. Plus, I had read enough about abuse and trauma, to know anger is appropriate and needed. And it was some time of that sinking in and reading that over and over, before I could allow myself these intense emotions needed.
So, I started processing the real anger and disgust required as part of healing and grieving. It was not easy. I truly did not like it. I struggled to express it in counselling. I became defensive and struggled to see that my counsellor was okay with me feeling angry. Those shame issues of feeling like I am a bad person for being angry and feeling disgust for those who abuse me. Those deep shame issues, that I should not have had to feel, but I still have. I felt like my counsellor would think less of me, if I was angry. But, that was not the case.
Now, after several weeks of noticing I no longer feel angry, I am seeing maybe this time of needed anger, is mostly processed. I don’t think I will never be angry again. I’m sure I will, as the grieving process continues on a long time. And grieving includes anger. But, I feel like these emotions will be short lived and I will be able to manage them appropriately.
It is much progress for me to be able to monitor my own emotions and see them clearly, allow them to occur, and then reflect on the change in my emotions.
I feel a lot of sadness. Sadness for me, my sisters and all the toxic people involved. I’m not in any way excusing them, or justifying their abusive actions in any way. I know they all made choices and they all intended to hurt me. And that was so painful to deal with.
But, I truly wish every person had a different life. A good life. With good thoughts. Good needs. Good relationships. Healthy lives. And they didn’t. They chose the opposite.
I also realise no-one with a healthy mind, would choose to be a toxic person, who enjoys abuse. No-one would choose to harm people, make them suffer, lie to them and lie about them. Cause further trauma and suffering in their denial and scapegoating behaviours.
No-one healthy, would choose any of that.
So, I realise I am feeling deep sadness, for all concerned.
This is not a stage of healing I will be shouting from the rooftops. Because it takes a lot of processing and grieving, to get to this stage. And demanding other people be at this stage, is wrong, hurtful and very invalidating of where many people are at. And I am okay with people being wherever they are at.
I have that empathy and sensitivity to others, to know not to suggest everyone should be at this stage. I know when others have talked about this, and I was not at that point of healing – it felt deeply painful. So I’m sensitive to other people’s journeys.
Where I am at now, I am consistently feeling more peace about.
I am glad I am consistently not feeling anger, disgust, repulsion. I am also glad I had to go through the stage of feeling it all. Because I know it continues to impact your life, when you don’t process it fully.
I also realise writing the chapters for my book recently, about all the trauma… was how I realised I no longer feel anger. I thought writing these chapters, was for the future benefit of others… but in fact, it helped me in my healing journey. I thought I would feel angry when I wrote them, but I didn’t.
Even my counsellor has told me she has noticed I am more easily able to speak about the trauma, with greater ease, a lot less anxiety, a lot less emotions, with no shame, and with far more clarity.
For anyone reading this, I hope it brings hope. Hope for healing. Hope for moving towards a place of more peace. And however long that takes, is absolutely okay.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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