At my last counselling session, something was said that made me realise, I still deep down believe I deserve all the abuse. I was discussing ongoing issues I have in my life, that are not okay and impact my wellbeing and my healing.
I said “don’t I now deserve to have genuine love, compassion, honesty, integrity, someone who has my back, non selfish behaviours, someone who actually cares about my needs and what I’ve endured?”
My counsellor replied, “you always deserved that”.
But, did I?
It was one of those moments, where I could see what those statements meant. I do believe on some level – I deserve a real and genuine relationship based upon trust, honesty, love, compassion etc ‘now’….. but it’s like I feel all I have previously endured, was in some way deserved.
I do know I am supposed to truly believe I never deserved to be abused. I do try to believe I always deserved a good childhood, good parents, good partners. But, I still only know this on some intellectual level, but not on a deeper emotional level. And I truly believe this for other people, and I tell them so.
I know this is still related to shame. That toxic and insidious shame, that years of abuse can create, that is woven into the very fabric of your being.
I know I still don’t understand why some people get good parents, good childhoods and others don’t? Why some have normal lives, and some have horrific trauma?
But, this shame goes deeper than that. When I start thinking about this, I start wondering why it seems God loves some people more than others? Because He creates us. He knows what we will endure. It feels still, like the ultimate betrayal. From my heavenly Father. And that in itself, creates more of that toxic shame, that makes me believe I must have deserved it. After all, it is what God chose for me to be born into.
It’s really painful, and adds to my abandonment, betrayal, not good enough, toxic shame issues.
And no-one has an answer, that adequately explains why God chooses who each of us end up with as family. Why did He decide I deserved my family? Why was I not good enough for love, protection, kindness, compassion? And because there is no answer that makes sense, or explains it in a way that shows God loves me, as much as people He chooses to have good families, I can’t get past this issue.
I’m a deep thinker, who is not appeased by shallow beliefs, or being told to just accept it, or by thinking that makes no sense to me. Or by being told abuse is love. Or that I just have to believe something that just seems like a big red flag.
I can feel that utter fear and panic in my stomach, writing this. I can feel the emotional flashback of feeling totally alone, totally unloved, scared, small, fearful. Abandoned.
I try really hard not to be angry or sad at God. I do try to believe He must have a reason for all this and one day I will understand.
But, sometimes, I am angry at God. Hurt. And even that adds to my shame. Because I know I am not supposed to be angry at God.
It’s like a never ending pit of toxic shame, that I try to scrabble out of, but I can’t.
I’m adding a link to a blog posts that follows on from this blog post.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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