Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

The Toxic Shame Of The Ultimate Betrayal ~ Lilly Hope Lucario


At my last counselling session, something was said that made me realise, I still deep down believe I deserve all the abuse. I was discussing ongoing issues I have in my life, that are not okay and impact my wellbeing and my healing.

I said “don’t I now deserve to have genuine love, compassion, honesty, integrity, someone who has my back, non selfish behaviours, someone who actually cares about my needs and what I’ve endured?”

My counsellor replied, “you always deserved that”.

But, did I?

It was one of those moments, where I could see what those statements meant. I do believe on some level – I deserve a real and genuine relationship based upon trust, honesty, love, compassion etc ‘now’….. but it’s like I feel all I have previously endured, was in some way deserved.

I do know I am supposed to truly believe I never deserved to be abused. I do try to believe I always deserved a good childhood, good parents, good partners. But, I still only know this on some intellectual level, but not on a deeper emotional level. And I truly believe this for other people, and I tell them so.

I know this is still related to shame. That toxic and insidious shame, that years of abuse can create, that is woven into the very fabric of your being.



I know I still don’t understand why some people get good parents, good childhoods and others don’t? Why some have normal lives, and some have horrific trauma?

But, this shame goes deeper than that. When I start thinking about this, I start wondering why it seems God loves some people more than others? Because He creates us. He knows what we will endure. It feels still, like the ultimate betrayal. From my heavenly Father. And that in itself, creates more of that toxic shame, that makes me believe I must have deserved it. After all, it is what God chose for me to be born into.

It’s really painful, and adds to my abandonment, betrayal, not good enough, toxic shame issues.

And no-one has an answer, that adequately explains why God chooses who each of us end up with as family. Why did He decide I deserved my family? Why was I not good enough for love, protection, kindness, compassion? And because there is no answer that makes sense, or explains it in a way that shows God loves me, as much as people He chooses to have good families, I can’t get past this issue.

I’m a deep thinker, who is not appeased by shallow beliefs, or being told to just accept it, or by thinking that makes no sense to me. Or by being told abuse is love. Or that I just have to believe something that just seems like a big red flag.  

I can feel that utter fear and panic in my stomach, writing this. I can feel the emotional flashback of feeling totally alone, totally unloved, scared, small, fearful. Abandoned.



I try really hard not to be angry or sad at God. I do try to believe He must have a reason for all this and one day I will understand.

But, sometimes, I am angry at God. Hurt. And even that adds to my shame. Because I know I am not supposed to be angry at God.

It’s like a never ending pit of toxic shame, that I try to scrabble out of, but I can’t.

I’m adding a link to a blog posts that follows on from this blog post.


~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

6 thoughts on “The Toxic Shame Of The Ultimate Betrayal ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

  1. Oh sweet Lily,

    Being angry with God, is a sin, was so engrained in me by toxic preacher, him shaking a finger in my face (when I made the mistake in telling him that I thought I might be angry at God) saying to me “how dare you strive with your maker”

    But, I was angry, confused and God who knows every word on my tongue was aware of my hurt, and questions. There are no easy answers, no shortcuts on working through the massive layers of feeling betrayed by God. My therapist recommended this book years ago called “May I hate God” by Pierre Wolff. It wasn’t a magic bullet, but it helped coax out of me what I was so scared to address, and that was I was furious with God & I needed to wrestle with HE/SHE. Long story, the good news is I didn’t get struck by lightening when I poured my heart out in rants, tears, and agony. I sure don’t want to come across here as a know it all, or like I am telling you what you should do, that is not my intention. It is a hell of a road to travel & you are in my prayers.

  2. thank you, I have wrestled with this same issue and I am so happy to realize I am not alone in this mind/emotion/spirit wrestling…I am still, after all these years of therapy, education, etc, battling that core of toxic shame…I have a head full of knowledge, but yet, my innermost being still feels less than others, defective and flawed to my very core…it is maddening to see how wonderfully blessed others are with loving family, friends, spouses, etc, career, and all nice packages of wonderfulness, and I am divorced from number four abuser…career destroyed, reputation smashed, on disability due to physical illness stemming from intense stress and CPTSD, even after the divorce being final for a year now, I am still not functioning well…Im going back into therapy again…will it ever get better??? I ask, what is wrong with me that I cant get my s…together??? At 56, almost 57 I feel like I have died and will not be resurrected, not this time…

  3. I understand your feelings. It’s precisely those feelings that led me to lose my faith. It felt worse believing in a God that would ‘allow’ these things, than in not believing he exists at all anymore.

  4. You are right; abuse is not love. There is no such thing as a good reason for a good God to abandon a child with abusive parents. That is also abuse, and abuse is never good, never justified.

    This is similar to the agony I went through, after being taught the popular belief that God is a controlling tyrant who determines and orchestrates all people and events, including even the most horrific abuse.

    I will always refer to all of that as total bullshit.

    I think you are very wise not to ignore the big red flag.

    It has really helped me, for my own survival, to ditch everything I was ever taught about God, and to start anew. To come to my own conclusions, and rediscover the innocence and beauty of God.

    I will not accept any view at all of God that presents him/her as the criminal mastermind, man behind the curtain, monstrous betrayer of innocents. If an understanding or depiction of the character of God does not line up with love, then it is false, and a terrible lie.

  5. Hope it is okay to say I am floored & touched by the darling dears who commented to on your post. Much love to them & you to Lily.

  6. Thank you everyone, I know faith and belief in God, are very personal issues, and I fully accept everyone’s right to believe, not believe and I accept people who struggle with their faith, and people who don’t.

    I know struggles with faith and a loss of faith, are very common with complex trauma survivors, and I am open and honest about my struggle.

    I also have great compassion with other people struggling in their faith, and no doubt need more self compassion for my faith struggles.

    But, I am always very upfront about my journey, because transparency and honesty, are key needs to complex trauma survivors.

    Lilly ❤ ❤