Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Developing healthy boundaries, is not about hating people, being mean, or wanting to hurt people back ~ Lilly Hope Lucario




Developing, implementing and maintaining healthy boundaries, is not easy. It feels weird, especially when you are someone who has always had soft boundaries.

I talk a lot about emotional boundaries, because I know they are vital in not being harmed anymore. They also help people control their emotional reactions and responses. I’ve had to learn boundaries and not get upset and react immediately at someone being hurtful, or toxic. I’ve spent a lot of energy learning self control, and I am consistently better at this.

Toxic/unhealthy people, will demand your boundaries are harmful. Of course they will, they don’t want you to implement something that stops them trampling over you emotionally. It will bug the shit out of toxic people, that they are no longer able to upset you, or they can’t do and say what they want. And in their entitled selfish minds, they should be allowed to do anything – and have no-one tell them differently. And they will see it as an attack to their ego if you show them this is not being tolerated. ‘How dare you stop me upsetting/harming you’. It’s always ‘all about toxic people’s needs’, in their selfish minds. When you look at the behaviour – it is like a toddler acting up and having a tantrum. That emotional development level stuck as a young child, as many narcissistic people are.

It will also create anger in people who have beliefs and issues they don’t want to confront about self. Cognitive dissonance is a real issue with toxic people. Today, I wrote a poster about ‘hurting other people being a choice’, and how ‘many people who have been abused, don’t abuse others’. That led to a very mixed reaction and about 8 people being banned from my page – for making excuses for being abusive to others. Bear in mind my page is for abuse survivors – not abusers. So, three of the banned people then stalked me by email. All that did, was prove I made the right choice to ban them. I’ve been told in counselling, when these people email me to tell me they are not happy with my boundaries, they are stalking. I ignore such emails now.

I don’t tolerate people making excuses for abusing people, and that is a boundary crossed that I don’t tolerate on my page. I make that very clear and I even warn people, not to make excuses. Yet, some still did…

This is a clear example of people crossing my boundaries, and then acting inappropriately because I enforced my boundaries.

My boundaries are not to be mean, or because I hate them, or anything similar.

It is because I do not tolerate abuser excuses and I need to keep my page as safe as possible for ‘survivors’ of abuse, not abusive people. I will not tolerate people making excuses for abusive actions, because this is highly triggering and unsafe for complex trauma survivors.

And anyone with any rational and compassionate thinking, will understand that.

It is interesting, that no-where will anyone see where I have ever talked about wanting to be nasty to abusers, or wanting revenge, or wanting retribution, or karma, harm back, vigilantism, or anything in the ‘pay back’ type thinking. I never write about any of that being good and I don’t want any harm to come to abusive people. I do want them held accountable for the harm they inflict and removed from society if necessary to stop them harming more people (like paedophiles).

I even want them to receive help for their issues. Something many people don’t want. But, that help does not have to come from me. (Myself and many other complex trauma survivors, have already been abused, manipulated, lied to, harmed etc…. enough. We do not have to put ourselves in the pathway of any other toxic or unhealthy people -especially those capable of abuse and who will make excuses for it).

Yet, despite me wanting nothing bad to happen to abusive people……….I still receive grief for what I do, from toxic or unhealthy people. Simply because of my healthy emotional boundaries and need to keep my page as safe as is possible.

I’ve learned that especially on social media – boundaries will be met with anger and issues.  Social media is a place where unhealthy, toxic people, with a lack of healthy boundaries……. feel they can do and say anything. I’ve had people tell me to kill myself, stalk me, threaten me, tell me I deserved to be abused, start smear campaigns… you name it, toxic people have done it.

So, I just continue on implementing my boundaries……modelling these to others and deal with the shitty people as and when they appear.

And knowing that other people’s reaction to my boundaries and keeping my page as safe as possible – is absolutely nothing to do with me, and entirely about them. Including whether they react well, or badly. And in a way, it weeds out the shitty people. So, it’s not a bad thing really.

And I may be the only person who has ever stood up to these shitty people, and whether they realise it or not, that is actually in their interests.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I am very thankful to see this article be shared and supported by many mental health professionals. Including Jane Street – Clinical Psychologist, Constance Douglas – Psychotherapist. And Shannon Thomas – author of the best selling book about psychological abuse – Healing Hidden Abuse https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Hidden-Abuse-Recovery-Psychological/dp/0997829087

This article was also shared by the Author of Psychopath Free – well known within the abuse survivor community.

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

6 thoughts on “Developing healthy boundaries, is not about hating people, being mean, or wanting to hurt people back ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

  1. I sure had to deal with this issue with my family back in April/May of this year, as I wrote about in my blog posts for https://mawrgorshin.com/2016/09/21/narcissism-in-the-family/ and https://mawrgorshin.com/2016/06/13/emotional-abuse/

  2. Thank you Lily for everything you are doing with this blog. It was on here that someone in the comments section mentioned Pete Walker’s book CPTSD. And a new reality opened up for me.

    Excellent article, just wanted to say that Spartan life coach on YouTube has some really beneficial videos on this topic and cptsd. He isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but God can he make such heavy subjects easy to understand, throws in humour and you always come away feeling a little better. Pete Walker recommended one of his videos on Out of the Fog. He has strategies on porous boundaries. x

  3. perfect timing

  4. Bravo. One of the constant issues that I have faced is with my former spouse’s chronic disregard for boundaries…the setting of which she, tellingly, regards as “abusive”. Awakening to the “complex” nature of CPTSD has helped me to better understand my own family origins (multiple generations of narcissistic abuse), to forgive it in order to move forward, and to recognize my own tendencies to work through it by re-inviting toxic people into my life. The last year or so has seen a purge of these individuals, some of whom I was stunned to recognize as abusers until the boundary-setting quickly and unambiguously revealed their natures.

    It’s been a lot of loss to absorb, and I have daily doubts as to the extent to which I may ever fully recover. But I also have children who live primarily with my ex (that is likely going to change as her abusive nature is becoming more obvious…including to the court…but it has taken a decade just to get to this point). I must persevere in continuing to break the cycle of abuse, because their futures depend on it.

    Thank you for your frankness and openness in sharing your own experiences. It’s encouraging to know that one is not alone, and I salute your bravery in putting this out to the world.

    Strength to you.

  5. Thank you for sharing this. I really needed it tonight.