This post is purely for my own journaling, and not meant to reflect anyone’s else’s thoughts. Please do not read anymore, if confusion about God may be upsetting.
I’m definitely having a crisis of faith at the moment. I’m rambling in this post, because this is where my head is at – total confusion, fear, anxiety, stressed, and too many triggers.
I read an article by a Christian who believes we are meant to suffer and that is what God wants. In fact, he went on to say – the more we suffer – the more we are like Christ and therefore, we should rejoice in our suffering and thank God for it. And apparently we will be ‘greater rewarded in heaven’.
I can’t get my head around this type of thinking. It’s really bothering me. Because I’m scared it might be true…..? I’m also scared I will not find adequate answers to all this.
I don’t equate suffering – with love. I don’t equate abuse – with love. And it’s taken me years of really hard work to get to this point.
So why does God allow suffering, when He could stop it all? How does He watch something heinous – like a baby being abused to death, and not intervene? How does He allow paedophiles, serial rapists, serial killers – to keep carrying out their heinous abusive needs and not intervene? Just… you know watches….. and does….. nothing to stop it….?
Why did God create a world, where so much suffering would occur? Why did He create evil? Did He create evil? If He created everything – then He created evil/sin? Why? Why want to do that, knowing it would create suffering? Why knowing people would be starving to death. Children suffering to death.
It makes no sense to me. Not when you are supposed to reconcile that with a loving God.
Suffering and being thankful for it, seems to be a part of many Christian people’s beliefs. And also the reason many walk away from their faith. And I can see why – when it does appear that God allows us to suffer – and at the same time we are to worship Him. For letting us….. suffer? Huh!?
No wonder so many church people are abusive – to women, children, the congregation, LGBTIQ. It seems abuse is okay for many church people. After all it appears God models allowing His children being abused and not intervening. And suffering being good. So therefore, e.g. making our children suffer, is being Godly? Really? No wonder too many church people beat/hit their children and tell them ‘that’s love’. *shudder. No wonder they hate on the LGBTIQ community – that’s what they think God does too.
And you know the church belief many parrot – “if God brings you to it – he’ll bring you through it”. So in other words, whatever you endure, God wants to happen to you. It’s apparently all part of His master plan. That we are not to really understand. But should just accept.
I’m not good at accepting things that are red flags.
I’m not good at accepting things I do not understand.
And allowing abuse to happen – especially to children…. plus not intervening…… and telling abuse survivors they ‘needed’ to be abused and that abuse and suffering is good ………. are really fucking big red flags. That I am not able to ignore.
And I know, some people will say – you look at Jesus and what He modelled. Again – God let Jesus suffer. He allowed it. And we are to model Jesus. And want to be like Him……….. apparently including suffering like Him? And not intervening…?
I was thinking about this (I am every day at the moment) – and as I was scrolling through social media, a post about voluntary euthanasia came up. Now, I know most church people will be against this. They will say ‘God decides when we die, not us’. So again….. there is this belief that if we are suffering of some awful and terribly painful terminal illness, we are meant to just keep on suffering, until we die. That’s what God wants. With no putting an end to it. No dignity. Just pain. And suffering.
I am not against voluntary euthanasia – because I don’t want people who have no hope of recovery and are in deep and continuous terrible pain – to suffer. And I don’t want their families to see their loved one suffer so badly. Is that so wrong? Does that make me a bad person? It sounds like compassion to me. But, apparently, I will be told I am wrong. And told compassion is what? ….. letting people suffer?
My need to not want people to suffer…… seems very much at odds with the way many church people view God and what He wants. And what He appears to show us.
My idea of love and what love is not -abuse, standing and doing nothing while people suffer – is also very much at odds with what many church people believe about God and what He models.
My thoughts are very much at odds with what God appears to portray.
I guess I will be told by some – I should just take this ‘leap of blind faith’ that I will understand this at some point in the future. Yeah, that’s not going to happen. And if that makes me a bad Christian, so be it.
I emailed my (Christian) therapist about this several days ago. I asked whether these beliefs I read – that God does want us to suffer and we are supposed to believe the more you suffer – the better and the greater your heavenly reward….. is what she believes, or not? I didn’t receive a reply. I guess these issues and asking my therapist about this, is crossing the line on what I should be asking her.
I was told once in therapy, that blindly believing anything is not good. The fact that I am not a sheep and I do question everything, is good and shows insight. Which is all great in most situations……. but in this one… well maybe I am expected to be the blind sheep? And I know myself well. This is not something that I am going to sort through easily. Or just accept blindly.
God………. whatever I may be missing, or not understanding……. please let me know. I truly hope there is something I am not getting about all this………. because I really hate feeling this confusion. And I hate feeling this shame I do feel, for questioning God…. which I know many will claim makes me a terrible person.
If you did read this and of these questions and any of this confusion resonate with you, please know…. I get how hard this is.
And if you have had these questions – but now you are past this and have peace about this, I really am glad. I hope to be there at some point too.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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