You never ‘get over’ the ultimate betrayal. You learn to cope with it ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

There are some things, you do not ever ‘get over’. Sexual exploitation of a child, is beyond horrendous. And for that to be by the child’s own parent, is the ultimate betrayal.

Being sexually abused as a child, being threatened to keep quiet. And knowing now – my mother was complicit in it, knew it was happening and encouraged it, is something I will never ‘get over’.

The sexual abuse as a child, will haunt me forever. The depths of fear and the depths of suffering, due to the acts of child sexual abuse, plus all the added emotional and psychological abuse that always go with it, are horrendous. And often the sexual abuse, is a physical violation of the child body, so it is physical abuse.

It is many types of deep and terrible abuse, all being endured at the same time. By a child.

It is horrendous. And this requires considerable compassion and empathy.

You don’t ever ‘get over’ abuse this severe and this traumatic. You don’t ever ‘get over’ the ultimate betrayal by a parent, to a child.

You learn to cope with it better over time and with much hard work.

You process the pain, the trauma, the suffering, the shame that child sexual abuse causes.

You learn it was never your fault.

You learn you never deserved it.

You go through a complex grieving process for it all.

You learn how to manage the emotions, the fear, the visual flashbacks, the emotional flashbacks, the somatic flashbacks, the intrusive memories.

But, you never ‘get over it’.

The added layers of shame, that it was your own parent, is beyond painful to deal with.

Pictures from my healing garden ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

My garden is my space for tranquillity and healing. I find surrounding myself with beauty – helps lift my mood and gives me something healthy to focus on.

I truly cherish the time I spend alone in my gardens. It has been a space for inner child healing, for something to focus on for the future, and just a haven of safety.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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It’s okay to not be okay & courage does not always roar ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I have accepted that my journey is not linear, it is not an escalator ride up. I have good days, bad days and ugly days. The good days are increasing in numbers, but I have to have self compassion for the bad days, I do still endure.

Some people ‘roar’ their courage and they need that persona of a strong roaring fighter survivor. But, for many of us- we have a quieter, less obvious courage, that is no less courageous at all.

It takes courage and strength to admit having good, bad and ugly days. And that strength, transparency and honesty – I really value. I’ve seen too many masks in my life.

I appreciate the vulnerability is takes to be honest about how the journey often can be, and for many of us – that does not include ‘roaring’ every day.

Yesterday, I had a day where I literally did nothing, except watch TV, do a little homework with my youngest son and I was very quiet, very withdrawn. I didn’t even get dressed. And that was all I was capable of. Doing the homework with my son, was quite an achievement, considering how low I was feeling. And I’m totally okay with this capacity on harder days.

I have learned, it is okay, to not be okay. And in fact, people relate to this honesty and transparency more.

Some days I feel strong, some days I don’t – and that is absolutely okay. I need no validation from anyone – to support how I should be coping.