There are some things, you do not ever ‘get over’. Sexual exploitation of a child, is beyond horrendous. And for that to be by the child’s own parent, is the ultimate betrayal.
Being sexually abused as a child, being threatened to keep quiet. And knowing now – my mother was complicit in it, knew it was happening and encouraged it, is something I will never ‘get over’.
The sexual abuse as a child, will haunt me forever. The depths of fear and the depths of suffering, due to the acts of child sexual abuse, plus all the added emotional and psychological abuse that always go with it, are horrendous. And often the sexual abuse, is a physical violation of the child body, so it is physical abuse.
It is many types of deep and terrible abuse, all being endured at the same time. By a child.
It is horrendous. And this requires considerable compassion and empathy.
You don’t ever ‘get over’ abuse this severe and this traumatic. You don’t ever ‘get over’ the ultimate betrayal by a parent, to a child.
You learn to cope with it better over time and with much hard work.
You process the pain, the trauma, the suffering, the shame that child sexual abuse causes.
You learn it was never your fault.
You learn you never deserved it.
You go through a complex grieving process for it all.
You learn how to manage the emotions, the fear, the visual flashbacks, the emotional flashbacks, the somatic flashbacks, the intrusive memories.
But, you never ‘get over it’.
The added layers of shame, that it was your own parent, is beyond painful to deal with.
And for those who have not endured it, they will not understand. They will not comprehend it, and they cannot know how it affects your life.
For those who have endured it, I have great compassion for, because I know this ultimate betrayal, is incredibly hard.
Especially when you have processed there are no excuses for this, even if the parent(s) were abused in the same way. Their trauma history, does not in any way justify them repeating that abuse. And to know that, is really painful. It leaves you with the knowledge of this abuse being horrific. Intentional. And to know this, causes searing wounds at a profound level.
It is the ultimate betrayal, because it steals a child’s innocence, at the very core of their being.
I am learning to deal with this. I know how to manage my emotions and bad days better. I know all the PTSD management techniques and emotional distress coping strategies. They do help.
But the level of emotional pain all this abuse causes, is beyond description.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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