(This blog post is purely for my own journaling and not for commenting on).
My crisis of faith, has become an abandonment of my faith. I can no longer reconcile a loving God, with allowing so much suffering, abuse and pain in the world.
I am abandoning my faith, in the exact same way God abandoned me all the way through my childhood and most of my life. He let it all happen. He watched it all. He did nothing to stop it. He clearly did not care.
That is not love. And I cannot pretend, or rationalise that it is. Allowing abuse, allowing suffering, allowing children to be in so much pain… is not love.
I couldn’t stand and watch a child being abused and do nothing. In fact, even as a child when I caught the paedophile sexually abusing my younger sister, I tried to do what I could to stop it. I was terrified to tell my mother, but I did. And I was a child who knew to act and stop it. It was down to me, that my sister was not abused further. Had I not have put a stop to it, who knows what further heinous abuse would have occurred. And I was treated very badly by my heinous mother and step father, for having the courage to speak up. I tried to end my life not long after this and was again further abused.
And where was God then? Where was God in any of it? Ignoring it. Letting it happen.
I wouldn’t abandon a child I knew was being abused in heinous ways. I have proved I wouldn’t, even as a child myself.
Yet, that is exactly what God did to me.
Abandonment has featured highly in my life.