Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Abandoning God, in the same way I was abandoned.


(This blog post is purely for my own journaling and not for commenting on).

My crisis of faith, has become an abandonment of my faith. I can no longer reconcile a loving God, with allowing so much suffering, abuse and pain in the world.

I am abandoning my faith, in the exact same way God abandoned me all the way through my childhood and most of my life. He let it all happen. He watched it all. He did nothing to stop it. He clearly did not care.

That is not love. And I cannot pretend, or rationalise that it is. Allowing abuse, allowing suffering, allowing children to be in so much pain… is not love.

I couldn’t stand and watch a child being abused and do nothing. In fact, even as a child when I caught the paedophile sexually abusing my younger sister, I tried to do what I could to stop it. I was terrified to tell my mother, but I did. And I was a child who knew to act and stop it. It was down to me, that my sister was not abused further. Had I not have put a stop to it, who knows what further heinous abuse would have occurred. And I was treated very badly by my heinous mother and step father, for having the courage to speak up. I tried to end my life not long after this and was again further abused.

And where was God then? Where was God in any of it? Ignoring it. Letting it happen.

I wouldn’t abandon a child I knew was being abused in heinous ways. I have proved I wouldn’t, even as a child myself.

Yet, that is exactly what God did to me.

Abandonment has featured highly in my life.





Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

4 thoughts on “Abandoning God, in the same way I was abandoned.

  1. You are so good at putting my own feelings into words. You are not alone in your absence of faith in God.

  2. I understand this completely. I felt pretty dissociated from God until seeing my mother (abusive alcoholic) and her recent physical threats and tauntings. It gave me some perspective. The thing is… I feel better with myself when I love God as a field of light and healing… that I can tap into… that loves me and all regardless… and recognize that humans are capable of horror. But we can still tap in to Presence and Light…

    I wrote this to myself as much as you, and I hope it doesn’t sound preachy because your feelings are valid. But it makes me cry bc that is my one consolation right now.

    I have faith in my life when I keep faith in goodness of GOd… and in some humans who are sincere to try to emulate that.

    Your site has been a blessing to me and my heart.

    Thank you.

  3. I, too, abandoned faith in God after many years of trying to believe. In the semi-autobiographical novel I’m currently working on, which allegorizes the effects of the emotional abuse I suffered, the character representing me also abandons the Church. I totally understand how you feel. Stay strong.

  4. I realise this blog post quite controversial and not something everyone is dealing with. It’s why I have not shared it to my social media platforms.

    It is a very personal issue – dealing with faith. I know many people who have suffered terribly and also have empathy for all the suffering many others endure – find it very hard to reconcile a loving God with allowing and therefore enabling abuse and suffering to be occurring.

    I feel like a hypocrite saying abuse enabling is wrong, when it also feels like God enables abuse.

    At the moment – this is all too overwhelming for me to deal with, so it’s easier to just push this issue to the side and try and ignore it. Because I feel like there is no resolution to it. And it’s incredibly painful.

    I also know I don’t have to justify my feelings to others, which is why no-one has to justify how they feel about God to me. I accept if people are struggling, or are not struggling.

    Much love to all struggling, Lilly ❤ ❤