The reality of my childhood, really hits me at times. Deeper understandings occur and they also explain further – why I feel so different to most people.
The courage required to survive my horrendous childhood, to survive every type of abuse of a severe level, have not one remotely decent person in my family to rely on, and the courage needed to speak up about sexual abuse, protect my sibling being abused (which was a very dangerous situation)… plus know right from wrong, have a conscience, have empathy etc….. is I guess a miracle.
The levels of courage, integrity to honesty, integrity to protecting my siblings, integrity to do what is right, amongst many adults doing heinously terrible things – all within a dangerous, highly abusive, toxic environment – is significant. And I see that significance more and more.
It really was a case of…
“In the lands of gods and monsters
I was an angel…
living in the garden of evil”
~ Land Del Rey
I think this is why I look at many grown adults – who lack courage, who can’t even be honest with themselves, can’t own their own dishonest and bad behaviours/attitudes, don’t stand up to protect vulnerable people being abused, make excuses for bad behaviour and act in such immature ways and I just shake my head in disbelief.
It seems absolutely bizarre to me. Because compared to the courage I have displayed even as a child – it does all seem quite bizarre. Which may seem harsh – but this is the reality of my life, since childhood.
It’s why honesty, courage, standing up for people being wronged, standing up to abusers – don’t seem such a big deal to me. I’ve been doing this since childhood.
And I do think to myself – if I could do all I did as a child – why can’t adults have that level of courage? But, many adults don’t have anywhere the same capacity for courage – I had as a child.
This is why this life feels surreal to me.
It’s why I don’t relate to most people. It’s why most people don’t relate to me.
I’m not like most people.
And I never was.
And it’s okay for me to acknowledge all this fully. It’s okay for me to acknowledge my courage – especially as a child.
I’m not minimizing this anymore. I’m not invalidating it.
I was an incredibly brave child. Braver than most adults.
I was a hero.
And that’s the truth – I am now willing to fully accept.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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