Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

More insights about my childhood and my sisters ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

5 Comments

It has become clear to me, that the only person in my childhood – who was healthy, did what was right and tried to protect my sisters, was me. All the adults were toxic, abusive, character disturbed people.

And my sisters know this deep down, even though they choose to hate me for exposing the ‘family secrets’. Even though I do this in a pen name, to protect them.

My sisters knew as children and adults – I was the one to come to. They know deep down I was the one who was there for them.

Examples…

When I was around 12, and walked in on my sister being sexually abused. Who stepped up and told our mother and her father (my step father) we were being abused? And this was a very dangerous situation, which I now know is because our mother and my step father were complicit in the sexual abuse. When I spoke up, I had no idea whether I would be taken away from my family – which was one of the threats from the paedophile who was abusing us both. But, I had that immense courage to speak up, to protect my sister. And I was emotionally and psychologically abused further and threatened by my mother and step father for speaking up. Something my sister has never shown any appreciation for. It was just expected of me to do what’s right. She couldn’t care less about the nightmares I have had for decades about seeing her face and the look of terror she had being abused. And how that has haunted me ever since, and will continue to.

When that sister got pregnant at 16, who did she come to – to tell her father? The father she claims is a decent person? The father who continued talking to the paedophile who abused us, after I stepped up and told what was happening. (Which shows what a sick individual her father is). Me. She asked ‘me’ to tell ‘her’ father, so I would cop the abuse, and she would not have to. Who stepped up for her then, again? Me. And I didn’t even hesitate in helping her. And she has done nothing but abuse me and exploit me since.

And there is the exploitation of money, which I was guilt tripped into supposedly being about finding work and needing money for car repairs. When in fact that was all lies, the money was for drugs. And the agreement made when I loaned the money  – was I was repaid a certain amount every month, and she didn’t pay one single penny back. And never intended to.Then when I got upset about this – her narcissistic soul, chose to tell me I was only upset because she had a baby and I had had a miscarriage and I was jealous of her. Which is not true, because there is nothing about her sad life, I would envy. And to throw a miscarriage in my face – is despicable of her. Especially considering she lied and sociopathically exploited me all along, and this was not the only time.

Another example…. when I moved across the other side of the world…. my younger sister didn’t speak to me for 2 years. Because she felt I had ‘abandoned her’. her words. She did not care I needed to move for me and my family. But, she knew the loss of me in her life was significant. If I wasn’t a significant loss, and I was not a good person, she would not have cared that I emigrated.

And who was there for her when she had a miscarriage? Me.

When our mother was financially abusing my sister and taking all her money off her, who stepped up and tried to speak to our mother and copped the abuse from that. Me.

I’ve always been there for my sisters. Despite them never being there for me.

And there are other examples, some of which I do not write about, due to abuse occurring at such a young age, they do not remember. But, I remember. I was the eldest and I knew . And again I was the only person doing the compassionate and right thing for them.

They do know deep down – I was the decent one. The one to rely on. The only one with courage. They may hate me now, because they cannot handle the truth about all the abuse, and the truth about our mother, and their father and about themselves. But they know the truth deep down.

Also, I have realised, that I had no-one at all modelling compassion, decency, protection, care, kindness. Yet – my sisters did….. me. Yet, they turned out to be selfish, abusive, exploitative people and I didn’t.

Which just clearly shows, you can be modelled care, compassion, emotional courage etc…. and still end up choosing not to have them. Still choose to be a shitty human being.

lilac-blank-poster-013

And you can be someone like me, who had absolutely no-one modelling decent character traits, and still be someone with them. Even as a child.

It’s not all about what you are modelled.

It’s not all about what you learned in childhood from those around you.

And my childhood proves that.

We are who we choose to be.

(And for anyone assuming I am being hard on my sisters – because they were abused too….. they choose to be who they are. And I am allowed to be angry, process this trauma and grieve these relationships. Especially as I have been so good to them, and yet been treated so badly in return. And I know – they choose that behaviour. I don’t have to be okay with that. Abuse is wrong. Exploiting people is wrong.)

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle.

5 thoughts on “More insights about my childhood and my sisters ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

  1. It clearly shows in your blogs that you are a compassionate and empathetic person, despite what had happened to you growing up. Credit to you. Stephen

  2. I understand the hurt of being the cast off in a family. What bites is being the healthiest one…..after much healing from abuse. It’s so frustrating to be surrounded by all the dysfunctional people in my life, and be the only one who recognizes the brokenness because of years in therapy. God, give me strength….everyday! Peace to you Lilly.

  3. Lilly, couldn’t agree with you more.
    You’re entitled to feel whatever way you need to. Period. No permission.

    It’s an incredibly insightful concept that, as children, we managed to develop compassionate traits without having them modeled by the adults around us. I believe our sense of personal morality and justice is inherent. I spent my childhood as the dysfunctional family scapegoat. My mother’s need to be certain her child-molesting pervert husband didn’t ever leave her, prevented her from confronting him for his infidelity and his creepy interest in me. So, projected her frustration, anger, jealousy and constant rage out on me because I was powerless and defenseless. An easy target.
    I was the truth teller ….. which also infuriated my mother. I protected my older brother from not only my mother’s aggression and abuse but from the soul crushing tongue lashings from her pervert husband. My brother’s response was to join the adults in humiliating me in order to;
    1) Gain parental acceptance
    2) No longer be the target of their abuse.
    The abuser not only fractured all relationships he should have nurtured but destroyed the relationship between my mother, brother and myself.

  4. I am so glad this blog post has opened up conversation about how it is absolutely okay – to be angry and grieve abuse from family – no matter what they endured.

    There is NO excuse for exploiting your sister, there is no excuse for lying and manipulating. There is no excuse for treating your sister badly – especially when they treated you with love and compassion.

    And it is necessary to process this and grieve this. Which can include anger, feeling betrayed, feeling sadness for the abuse endured.

    I don’t allow anyone to shame me for these needed emotions and knowing there is NO excuse.

    We are who we choose to be. No-one put a gun at their heads and made them abuse me, exploit me.

    Lilly ❤

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