It has become clear to me, that the only person in my childhood – who was healthy, did what was right and tried to protect my sisters, was me. All the adults were toxic, abusive, character disturbed people.
And my sisters know this deep down, even though they choose to hate me for exposing the ‘family secrets’. Even though I do this in a pen name, to protect them.
My sisters knew as children and adults – I was the one to come to. They know deep down I was the one who was there for them.
When I was around 12, and walked in on my sister being sexually abused. Who stepped up and told our mother and her father (my step father) we were being abused? And this was a very dangerous situation, which I now know is because our mother and my step father were complicit in the sexual abuse. When I spoke up, I had no idea whether I would be taken away from my family – which was one of the threats from the paedophile who was abusing us both. But, I had that immense courage to speak up, to protect my sister. And I was emotionally and psychologically abused further and threatened by my mother and step father for speaking up. Something my sister has never shown any appreciation for. It was just expected of me to do what’s right. She couldn’t care less about the nightmares I have had for decades about seeing her face and the look of terror she had being abused. And how that has haunted me ever since, and will continue to.
When that sister got pregnant at 16, who did she come to – to tell her father? The father she claims is a decent person? The father who continued talking to the paedophile who abused us, after I stepped up and told what was happening. (Which shows what a sick individual her father is). Me. She asked ‘me’ to tell ‘her’ father, so I would cop the abuse, and she would not have to. Who stepped up for her then, again? Me. And I didn’t even hesitate in helping her. And she has done nothing but abuse me and exploit me since.
And there is the exploitation of money, which I was guilt tripped into supposedly being about finding work and needing money for car repairs. When in fact that was all lies, the money was for drugs. And the agreement made when I loaned the money – was I was repaid a certain amount every month, and she didn’t pay one single penny back. And never intended to.Then when I got upset about this – her narcissistic soul, chose to tell me I was only upset because she had a baby and I had had a miscarriage and I was jealous of her. Which is not true, because there is nothing about her sad life, I would envy. And to throw a miscarriage in my face – is despicable of her. Especially considering she lied and sociopathically exploited me all along, and this was not the only time.
Another example…. when I moved across the other side of the world…. my younger sister didn’t speak to me for 2 years. Because she felt I had ‘abandoned her’. her words. She did not care I needed to move for me and my family. But, she knew the loss of me in her life was significant. If I wasn’t a significant loss, and I was not a good person, she would not have cared that I emigrated.
And who was there for her when she had a miscarriage? Me.
When our mother was financially abusing my sister and taking all her money off her, who stepped up and tried to speak to our mother and copped the abuse from that. Me.
I’ve always been there for my sisters. Despite them never being there for me.
And there are other examples, some of which I do not write about, due to abuse occurring at such a young age, they do not remember. But, I remember. I was the eldest and I knew . And again I was the only person doing the compassionate and right thing for them.
They do know deep down – I was the decent one. The one to rely on. The only one with courage. They may hate me now, because they cannot handle the truth about all the abuse, and the truth about our mother, and their father and about themselves. But they know the truth deep down.
Also, I have realised, that I had no-one at all modelling compassion, decency, protection, care, kindness. Yet – my sisters did….. me. Yet, they turned out to be selfish, abusive, exploitative people and I didn’t.
Which just clearly shows, you can be modelled care, compassion, emotional courage etc…. and still end up choosing not to have them. Still choose to be a shitty human being.
And you can be someone like me, who had absolutely no-one modelling decent character traits, and still be someone with them. Even as a child.
It’s not all about what you are modelled.
It’s not all about what you learned in childhood from those around you.
And my childhood proves that.
We are who we choose to be.
(And for anyone assuming I am being hard on my sisters – because they were abused too….. they choose to be who they are. And I am allowed to be angry, process this trauma and grieve these relationships. Especially as I have been so good to them, and yet been treated so badly in return. And I know – they choose that behaviour. I don’t have to be okay with that. Abuse is wrong. Exploiting people is wrong.)
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
All blogs written by Lilly Hope Lucario and subject to © Copyright Protected.
All rights reserved.
No part of any entry/blog, may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, screenshots, copying & pasting, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods.
This includes adaptations in all forms of media.