Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


Stop Congratulating Abusers – It Is Toxic Rhetoric ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Sadly it is often people who claim to be ‘enlightened’ that buy into the toxic rhetoric the most.

The bigger picture, is this rhetoric is about minimizing abuse, normalising abuse, putting a good spin of abuse and in the process – making heinous people seem less heinous.

If you can put a ‘good spin’ on the severe harm psychopaths, sociopaths, paedophiles, child rapists, child abusers, narcissists, rapists cause to their victims…… then you are not ‘enlightened’ – you are stupidly buying into toxic belief systems. It is the opposite of enlightenment.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

 


Why toxic people, leave nasty reviews on e.g. Amazon when the topic is about toxic people ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Leaving a bad review on e.g. Amazon – for someone’s amazing work, where 99% of the reviews are 5 star…….

Is an act of pure malice.

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And what is interesting – is these people who leave a 1 star nasty, vindictive review – are clearly being vindictive – and that is OBVIOUS to anyone with any intelligence.

Sadly, there are people who are have pathological envy and a narcissistic/ sociopathic /psychopathic need to try to destroy someone’s hard work.

And what’s worse – is they gain delight in doing so.

They truly are scum and I wish they did not exist.

I no longer feel the need to make excuses for this scum…….. they make their choices and they are intentional in their vindictiveness.

That is unforgiveable. And there are no excuses that justify it.

You cannot do good in this world – without attracting hate and malice from those who cannot bear to see good people – be good people and cannot bear to see their success.

Darkness….. hates the light and will always try to destroy the light.

Keep on being a light anyway. Shine for all to see, and ignore the darkness – for it deserves no attention.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

All blogs written by Lilly Hope Lucario and subject to © Copyright Protected.

All rights reserved.

No part of any entry/blog, may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, screenshots, copying & pasting, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods.

This includes adaptations in all forms of media.

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I realised, I needed to be much tougher. And that’s not a bad thing ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

All my life, I have tolerated unhealthy and abusive issues from others and never stood up for myself. Abuse was my ‘normal’ – from as far back as I ever remember.

I’m aware my childhood created the very vigilant, very intuitive person I am – who was also a doormat to anyone else’s toxic issues. I was groomed to tolerated it.

It always went really badly – when I tried to stand up for myself. Because when toxic people see their victims are going to resist/object to what they are doing – they turn up the heat on their toxic behaviours. Which is done intentionally – to stop the victim from resisting or objecting.

This pattern of not objecting or resisting continued on, all my life. Until about a year ago, when I started to realise I had every right to tell people to take a hike and they were not welcome in my life – in any form.

I had to fight with my self over this – to not feel like I was doing the wrong thing. It ‘felt’ wrong – to have boundaries with toxic people. It wasn’t my normal and I always had considerable anxiety at having boundaries, and standing up for myself – because of the history of being treated worse – when I tried.

Now, after more recent issues occurring in my life……. I really am at a stage where I am O.V.E.R. dealing with other people’s issues and I do not in any way now – feel responsible for helping them, or dealing with their issues.

I have healed enough and developed enough self esteem – to insist people behave in a way that meets my requirements for behaviour/attitude, or they will not be in my life.

I am tougher now. And I am glad to feel that anxiety about this – having gone.

I have standards and people have to meet them, or they are out.

This doesn’t mean I hate them, or want anything bad to happen to them. It doesn’t mean I don’t want the best for them – I do. So, no wrong judgments and assumptions needed – about how I feel about toxic people.

But, I simply do not have any desire to have toxic people in my life, in any way. And wherever possible, they will be removed from my life.

I have realised I need to protect my empathic self, from those who do not deserve it. And people do need to earn my respect and my empathy. People don’t get to demand or expect that from me anymore.

I feel stronger and tougher, than I have ever been in my life.

And I see how badly I was previously treated – by not having this strength of emotional boundaries, self esteem and toughness.

This doesn’t mean I no longer have empathy – but I am very selective as to whom I give that to.

It doesn’t make me compassionate – to be a doormat to other people’s toxicity. That made me vulnerable and easily preyed upon.

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Toxic people don’t play fair, and they look for vulnerable people. Continue reading


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2017 – will be the year I change focus, my priorities and my future ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I am an intuitive, emotional person, who cares deeply about others, feels others pain and worries a lot about people being harmed. I am a very empathic person and I know that has caused me a lot of problems, in the last 45 years.

I have been processing trauma and grieving it, for the last 5 years. It’s horrendous and I make no apology for not minimizing the horrific nature of processing severe abuse and every type of abuse. I only deal with honesty, truth and reality.

But, I don’t intend and never did intend – giving this horrific stuff room in my life, forever.

So, it’s time to toughen up.

I will continue to do my part, on my social media etc. But, my boundaries are really strong now, and I don’t tolerate anything unhealthy or toxic. And I have no issue with removing unhealthy people – because I know they are not in any way my responsibility to fix or heal. Gone are the days when I felt responsible for unhealthy people.

And for that – I make no apology.

2017, will be the year I care only about what ‘I’ actually need to care about. For my life. For my children. For my future.

I need to focus on certain things that I know will push me in terms of coping – like my photography course. So, I need to evaluate what is important and ignore and remove all that is not.

I won’t cope well unless I prioritise and get rid of anything that is not imperative to my succeeding in becoming a professional photographer. That, and my children – are my main focus and the only things I actually need to focus on. My course affects my future and the future of my children. So, nothing is more important than that. Continue reading


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The rise and encouraging of narcissism in society – Donald Trump & Kanye West

It is my belief – like many experts – that narcissism is rising continually in society. I see so many examples of this. I see it in parenting, on TV (reality TV, programs like Mean Girls), I see it in politics and I see it in celebrities.

It’s everywhere.

And there are two clear examples showing the rise of narcissism, at it’s worst. Donald Trump and Kanye West. Both exude narcissism, entitlement, ego, lack of conscience/empathy etc…….. the list goes on.

I’ve seen talk about Trump being a psychopath, and I agree, he also exudes those traits too. I personally believe him to be a narcissistic psychopath. Some would say Malignant Narcissist.

Kanye West has been declared a narcissist, by psychologists – who have examined his social media, his outbursts on stage declaring someone has been wrongly awarded at a music awards. His beliefs about himself are incredulous. he truly sees himself as a God. Now, with his recent hospitalisation for extreme paranoia and depression, some are saying maybe he has Bipolar. I see the similarities, but clearly see West has enduring personality traits, that always mean he continually sees himself as superior, as the best, as Godlike, as needing special treatment and has absolutely no self insight. His upset at being ignored by Beyoncé and her husband when Kim K was robbed – shows the narcissistic injury. I don’t believe he only feels paranoia and delusions of grandeur when on a mania trip. I think he has delusions of grandeur all the time. And these recent issues, simply validate my beliefs more. A lot of narcissists, have paranoia issues. I’ve seen that occurring.

People will say ‘why label people’. Well, diagnoses are needed, so others can know what they are dealing with. Narcissism is an enduring and toxic personality issue, that rarely ever changes. As is psychopathy and sociopathy. They don’t respond to therapy…. despite what some therapists will claim.

I will continue to raise awareness, regardless of how that is received. I couldn’t care less anymore, as to what people think of me. I know the damage narcissism causes, and the victims of these people – are all I care about.

And no, I cannot diagnose anyone, but there are enough experts stating exactly what these men are, and I agree.

As for Trump, well the man disgusts me. He is far more dangerous than West. Both of them make my skin crawl, but Trump scares me. He is relentless in his need to win. Ruthless in his need to win. I’ve seen those psychopathic traits and they are very dangerous.

I see West as a child in a mans body. I find him quite pathetic and I pity him.

Trump, however, I believe to be a dangerous man. Continue reading


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I will be starting 2017, with no faith & no counsellor. And yet, I am looking forward to it ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

2017, will be an interesting year. It is certainly not going to start the way I assumed it would. But, that’s life – you cannot predict what will happen. You can only accept what comes and have the resilience to withstand it and make the best of it.

I have made no secret of my faith issues. I am at a point, where I cannot think about it anymore, because it’s too painful. There is no resolving of the issues I feel. So, for now, I am avoiding thinking about it.

My counselling, has ended in a sad way, but….. I am great believer in people revealing who they truly are, in time. And I don’t need counselling anymore.

2017, will be a year – where I learn how to become a professional photographer, get m book finished and published. That’s a lot for me, and will take me out of my current comfort zone.

But, if there’s one thing I am – beyond any doubt – is a survivor. I am stronger now, than I have been over the last 5 years. My resilience levels are stronger. My boundaries are safer and my self esteem is higher, than ever before.

I know I will become a good photographer. I already have a blog, with over 500 views in less than a week, and professional photographers encouraging my work. And I don’t even know what I am doing yet. I am simply relying on the quality of the camera at the moment. Continue reading


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All holidays and ‘special days’ can be incredibly hard for complex trauma survivors ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

All holidays and ‘special days’ can be incredibly hard for complex trauma survivors.
Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter etc ….. all of them, can be times when complex trauma survivors – struggle the most and feel a lot of pain and feel so terribly alone.
I have the empathy to know this and not police how people ‘should’ be feeling.
Telling people how they ‘should’ feel – is for people who lack empathy and lack insight into complex trauma.
And no matter how I am personally doing, I will never forget all the times I have been at my worst.
When life did not feel worth living.
When I wanted to give up, because it hurt too much.
I will never forget, others feel like that too.
I keep this in mind, rather than flaunt my healing.

 

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And I am aware – it is this sensitivity and empathy for others, that many relate to.
And why people write to me constantly telling me, they feel safe on my page and blog

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

All blogs written by Lilly Hope Lucario and subject to © Copyright Protected.

All rights reserved.

No part of any entry/blog, may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, screenshots, copying & pasting, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods.

This includes adaptations in all forms of media.


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It’s sad to end counselling, knowing all long she’s been a victim blamer/shamer ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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I am ending 2016, with a great deal of sadness – that I know is in there. I just can’t feel it at the moment. I know I am experiencing dissociation from my emotions.

At my last counselling session, it became all very clear why my counsellor has never been enthusiastic about my blogging, website, social media, or me becoming a counsellor. (My first counsellor said I would be an amazing trauma counsellor).

All along my last counsellor believed all it was, everything I have achieved – was me choosing to be ‘seduced by trauma’.

Her. Exact. Words.

She hasn’t known who I am – all along. Her pre-conceived ideas and beliefs, clouded her judgment – for 5 years.

It didn’t matter to her, that I explained so many times – I never wanted to talk about any of the trauma. For 2 decades prior to my breakdown, I rarely spoke about it. And my breakdown at 40 (caused by more abuse), forced me to have to deal with it. I never wanted to have to deal with any of it. I have NEVER been someone choosing to be a victim. I have always taken care of myself, provided for myself and got on with my life, as best I could.

And I know the depths of courage and strength, that required.

I spent 20 years – from the age of 20 – to 40 – avoiding it all. My husband (of 16 years) knew very little about any of it. Not that he ever asked. He couldn’t care less about my past, because all he has ever cared about is himself and getting his needs met. He is a highly narcissistic man. A compulsive liar, and someone I don’t respect, like, or trust. And that is all down to him. I don’t expect change from him. He isn’t capable of it. I only tolerate him, for our children. As long as we stay together, I know exactly what is happening to me children, at all times. If we split up, I wouldn’t know what they were being exposed to when with their father. Keeping us together, is in the best interests of my children.

And I do know, I have indeed always ended up with selfish, abusive/using, manipulative, liars – like my husband. But, that was not because I was ‘seduced by trauma’. That’s because abusive, narcissistic people – were my ‘normal’. And not knowing what healthy was, did not in any way justify anyone lying, manipulating, using or abusing me. That is all their choices, their responsibility.

I don’t tolerate toxicity anymore. I now have self esteem and healthy boundaries. And I know why narcissistic people have always been drawn to me. Because I was easy prey. I was groomed from a young age, to tolerate abusive people. I didn’t believe I deserved better.

Now, I do.

And my counsellor knew all this. I’ve spend 5 years talking about all this. Talking about all the abuse in my childhood, in my teenage years, in adulthood.

She’s counselling my husband now, for his narcissism. Which I have no doubt is a waste of time. As an expert on toxic people (Dr George Simon) said – there are therapists who believe they can change toxic, character disordered people. But, they cannot. They just buy into the lies the toxic people tell them. They buy into the manipulation and deceit. The faked ‘shame and guilt’. And to make this all easier – they victim blame and victim shame – these toxic people’s victims.

It’s easier to sit with paedophiles, narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths – when you can make them seem less heinous – by victim blaming and shifting some of the responsibility for the abuse, onto the victims. Life feels better, when you make evil people – seem less evil. I see that clearly is how many ‘professionals’ deal with heinous people.

No matter the success of this blog, all the mental health professionals (who are more trauma informed than she is) commending me on my work and insight, all the 1000’s of people who let me know my work is so meaningful to them…… my own counsellor all along – believed all I was doing – was worthless.

Worthless.

It’s a cruel kick in the guts.

What she also fails to understand, is my work kept me alive. Being abused by church people, whilst also married to a selfish, manipulative, compulsive lying narcissist and then dealing with all the severe trauma I have endured, is horrendous.

And writing about it all, connecting with others, educating myself as much as I have, kept me alive. But, in her mind, anything keeping me alive – was clearly worthless. Continue reading


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‘I’ have my best interests at heart & what I have, is enough ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I have spent a lot of time in my life, being very hypervigilant, as to people’s motivations.  And it is now highly skilled discernment.

After the latest issues arising in counselling, other issues in my life occurring…… I really have come to the point of no longer caring about what other people think and simply accept that no-one actually has my best interests at heart.

And that’s okay.

Because I only need to worry about what my motivations are.

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I don’t want to work people out anymore. I don’t want to know if someone is having ‘red flag’ behaviours and attitudes. I just need to keep people at a safe emotional distance and not rely on, or depend on anyone and not care if they have ulterior motives.

I have people in my life, who I don’t depend on, but are there for conversation and nice company. I am there for them and their life issues, but I don’t get too involved. I choose not to further those friendships to anything more than the times we meet each fortnight.

I’m starting my photography course next year and I will form connections there, about this shared passion.

I no longer want or need anymore.

I know there are people who will say complex trauma is only healed within trusting, close relationships. And I do believe that is needed for many. I am not arguing that is not needed. But, for me….. it isn’t going to happen. Continue reading