I am someone who has been abused and treated badly, by many people. From childhood onwards. And until recently, I never allowed myself to feel the painful emotions about it.
Something I have learned from my journey, is each time I tried to suppress needed emotions about being abused, it made my life worse long term. And made the pain of those emotions when finally felt, so much worse.
And when I do allow myself to feel emotions as they arise, and I don’t suppress them, the processing of them, is less painful and far quicker.
I pushed down my needed and healthy emotions about my mother, all my life. And I continued to do this in counselling. By the time I actually allowed myself to feel anger, disgust, repulsion, betrayal, sadness, grieving….. these emotions were so intense it felt unbearable. The reason I suppressed my feelings for so long, was due to shame of thinking so badly about my own mother. When in fact, that shame was not needed. The only shame that should be felt – was by her. And I also felt my counsellor would in some way think badly of me, for being so angry at my mother. I felt she would think I wasn’t being ‘compassionate’ enough. And yet it turned out, she didn’t think that at all. She felt my anger and pain – were totally appropriate for all the intentional suffering my mother caused me.
But, recently I had painful emotions and realisations about my siblings. And instead of pushing these emotions away, or feeling any shame for my emotions, I allowed myself to feel the anger, the betrayal, the hurt, the pain and the grieving. And it was a lot less painful than if I had continued to suppress it all and took a lot less time.
The emotions about my mother, took several years to deal with in counselling, due to my suppressing them.
The emotions about my sisters, took a few weeks to deal with.
Huge difference in time and depth of suffering, in dealing with these very appropriate and very healthy emotions.
Shame is often something that stops us from feeling needed emotions. Because I am a nice person – who never wants to hurt anyone, and doesn’t like speaking badly about people, and has struggled to stand up for myself……. I have spent 45 years suppressing emotions such as anger, hurt, disgust for abusers.
I was shamed by every person who abused me, and then I continued that shame to myself, in not allowing myself rightful and painful emotions.
So, this truly confirms to me……. suppressing, avoiding, minimizing painful, but needed emotions….. really is so harmful.
It hinders healing. Completely.
And now, whenever I see all the unwise ‘advice’ encouraging suppression of certain emotions, I see how dangerous, harmful this is.
And I also see how much ‘shaming’ goes on from others – who claim they are stronger for suppressing emotions. It isn’t stronger at all. Strength is in feeling all the emotions, dealing with the reality and full truth. And grieving it all.
This is why I strongly advise people completely ignore all advice, that encourages people to ‘get over it’, ‘don’t look back’, ‘don’t think of the past’ etc…… where there is no advice added to also deal with all the processing and grieving needed first.
There are times in life, when we have to push emotions away to cope, but this should not be a continual way to cope.
And, I also realise, the quicker we allow ourselves to process these emotions, the better.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
All blogs written by Lilly Hope Lucario and subject to © Copyright Protected.
All rights reserved.
No part of any entry/blog, may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, screenshots, copying & pasting, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods.
This includes adaptations in all forms of media.