Child sexual abuse is an invisible wound.
It doesn’t leave outer scars.
When I was enduring child sexual abuse, no-one would have known just by looking at me.
There were no bruises, no scars.
But the wounds and pain I felt on the inside, were beyond description.
They still are.
The nightmares I still have, about this most heinous abuse, is something no-one will understand – unless they too have endured similar.
The dissociation to cope.
Never being safe – from disgusting hands upon me.
No-one to go to.
No one is safe.
As a child I did not understand what was happening to me, in the same way an adult will understand being sexually abused.
But, I still knew it was terribly wrong.
And I couldn’t try to stop it.
So I froze and it happened over and over and over.
It made me hate myself.
The fear still related to sexual intimacy, that has plagued my entire life.
Death has been my only way to achieve peace.
Because, I have none.
I don’t know what peace is.
And in some ways, it is now even worse.
Because, I now know – the full heinous, disgusting, vileness of it all and how badly it has impacted my life.
And most people don’t care.
“Get over it” they say.
“Move on, stop dwelling” they demand.
“Stop acting like a victim” they sneer.
“Haven’t you forgiven those paedophiles yet?”- they shame me with.
I would do anything to ‘get over it’ and have these horrific and disgusting flashbacks, body memories, nightmares and intrusive memories out of my head.
Severe PTSD and Complex PTSD
– don’t let you forget.
No matter how much
you desperately want to.
Decades I have been dealing with this.
Since I ever remember, I have been dealing with severe and horrific trauma and abuse.