Over the last 5 years, I have done a lot of processing of a lot of trauma. And it’s been more painful than I can ever express. Processing child sexual abuse, abuse from sociopaths/psychopaths, rape, absolute captivity abuse, severe emotional, psychological and spiritual abuse……. and decades of it, is not fun.
It’s horrendous.
It’s nearly killed me to have to confront it all.
There are things I feel I will never be okay with. The abuse from my mother. The child sexual abuse. They truly are soul murder.
I feel like a part of me died in my childhood and will never be okay. You can’t heal, what’s died.
Now, I am at a place where there are things I will never be at peace with. I know myself too well and I will never be okay with the depths of betrayal I feel. And this includes my faith based abandonment and betrayal issues.
Now, I don’t know if I am just suppressing the emotions of it all. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to hear I ‘should’ be doing better. I don’t want to hear I am wrong. I don’t want to hear my truth is somehow not what I should be feeling.
I’ve quit counselling and I no longer want to discuss any of it. I don’t want to go over the same stuff, the same un-answered questions, the issues that never have a good explanation. And feel the pain burning into my soul each time there is no answer, that isn’t painful.
I’m re-writing my book, to remove these issues I still have – because I am not ever going to say I am okay with something, that I am not at okay with. I have too much integrity for that. And I cannot pretend.
I feel like I am at this place where all I have left – is to avoid thinking about it. Avoid discussing it. And to fill my life with other things that act as a distraction.
I don’t know if this is where all people go to, at a certain part of healing. Where you make a conscious choice to avoid thinking about all the trauma. But, it’s where I’m at. And it feels awfully like where I was prior to the last 5 years. Avoidance, distraction.
It doesn’t feel like how I assumed it would feel when I was ‘moving on’ from the trauma processing and grieving. It feels emotion-less. But, not a place of peace.
Maybe I assumed there would be peace – and that was a stupid assumption?
Maybe I am simply back to where I was 6 years ago – and the last 5 years have been an agonising, painful, terrible waste of time? Continue reading
