Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Not sure if this is a part of healing, or I’ve just full circled back to avoidance and distraction ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

7 Comments

Over the last 5 years, I have done a lot of processing of a lot of trauma. And it’s been more painful than I can ever express. Processing child sexual abuse, abuse from sociopaths/psychopaths, rape, absolute captivity abuse, severe emotional, psychological and spiritual abuse……. and decades of it, is not fun.

It’s horrendous.

It’s nearly killed me to have to confront it all.

There are things I feel I will never be okay with. The abuse from my mother. The child sexual abuse. They truly are soul murder.

I feel like a part of me died in my childhood and will never be okay. You can’t heal, what’s died.

Now, I am at a place where there are things I will never be at peace with. I know myself too well and I will never be okay with the depths of betrayal I feel. And this includes my faith based abandonment and betrayal issues.

Now, I don’t know if I am just suppressing the emotions of it all. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to hear I ‘should’ be doing better. I don’t want to hear I am wrong. I don’t want to hear my truth is somehow not what I should be feeling.

I’ve quit counselling and I no longer want to discuss any of it. I don’t want to go over the same stuff, the same un-answered questions, the issues that never have a good explanation. And feel the pain burning into my soul each time there is no answer, that isn’t painful.

I’m re-writing my book, to remove these issues I still have – because I am not ever going to say I am okay with something, that I am not at okay with. I have too much integrity for that. And I cannot pretend.

I feel like I am at this place where all I have left – is to avoid thinking about it. Avoid discussing it. And to fill my life with other things that act as a distraction.

I don’t know if this is where all people go to, at a certain part of healing. Where you make a conscious choice to avoid thinking about all the trauma. But, it’s where I’m at. And it feels awfully like where I was prior to the last 5 years. Avoidance, distraction.

It doesn’t feel like how I assumed it would feel when I was ‘moving on’ from the trauma processing and grieving. It feels emotion-less. But, not a place of peace.

Maybe I assumed there would be peace – and that was a stupid assumption?

Maybe I am simply back to where I was 6 years ago – and the last 5 years have been an agonising, painful, terrible waste of time?

I have no idea which applies.

But, all I know……… is in many ways I now feel worse – for dealing with the absolute raw truth. Denial and minimizing – sure are easier. There is absolutely nothing good, that has come from dealing with it all, in such a deep and honest way.

Maybe I am still grieving?

Maybe it will get better than this?

Maybe, I deluded myself that I would feel at peace with it all at some point and the reality is, there is no peace after the amount of trauma, betrayal and abandonment I have endured.

I don’t even know that I care anymore.

It is always a bad idea, for me to care.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle.

7 thoughts on “Not sure if this is a part of healing, or I’ve just full circled back to avoidance and distraction ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

  1. I just want to thank you for sharing your story. This shows not only courage, strength, bravery, but compassion and love. You are so very strong. You are truly a beautiful soul. Not many out there will share their story of abuse to even raise awareness even if to ensure others suffering in isolation do not feel alone. No matter what your religious background I want to say; You are a perfect child of God. As the result of the pain and suffering you endured, you will be rewarded with joy and peace, love. Through your endurance, long suffering, and patience.You are a messenger of that hope, to those losing hope. I understand. You have so much light. Chin up.

  2. Dearest Lilly,
    Thank you for HELPING so many people. This alone would make me proud and would give me great satisfaction. Your therapist is away for three weeks and that’s a long time. Even if you ended therapy before she left ; this is a painful time. I think you have come such a long way and I will never even attempt to comprehend what you have endured. (goose bumps) Don’t give up on yourself, you must know by now how precious you are and you are ENOUGH always.
    Congratulations on becoming a professional photographer! You showed us beautiful pictures of your garden. You have such strength, you will know what’s best for you. I love you from one human being to another. Be happy, you deserve it. You are one terrific mother, you have so much going for you!
    Irene

  3. Hang in there, Lilly. Don’t let despair take over. We love you, and we’ll help if we can. 🙂

  4. Seeking and confronting the truth with integrity, however painful, is never a waste of time.

    Where would any of us be, had we not chosen to do so? Look around at those who remain willfully entrapped by the patterns of abuse, and what it does to them and those around them.

    If defying and breaking the pattern for yourself means nothing more than the world has one less sociopath to endure, have you not accomplished something extraordinary? In sharing your turmoil, hopes, even moments of despair, is that not something of value to someone who may just be awakening to their own horrors?

    One definition of courage is to continue to fight on, despite the lack of hope for oneself. Now, I fight for others. It appears, in the rawness of your posts, that you do as well.

  5. I have followed your blog for a long time and admire your strength and courage. I think that maybe we can only take so much emotional pain and then we need a break. It doesn’t mean it was for nothing (I hope) but that you’ve peeled a few layers of the onion and that’s enough for the time being? And that is totally ok ❤

  6. Thank you all for your comments, I really appreciate the kindness and thoughtful responses.

    I think I may well be needing a break. A break from trauma processing, from trying to find answers to issues – where there are no answers. A break from grieving and the pain it causes. A break from my deep emotions.

    I think I am just going to go with the flow at the moment -and taking each day, one at a time.

    It is the advice I would give others, and I need to listen to for myself.

    Lilly ❤ ❤

    • YES!! I agree, I do think its time for a break. But I also wanted to say: It was NOT a waste of time. You are brave, and right now, you are tired. Take good care of yourself, pamper yourself, reward yourself for doing all of this difficult work. You can never make yourself NOT think of something. So when the thoughts/images/feelings come back about your various abuses, try to just observe them (do not deny them or try to make them go away) as if they are clouds flowing past in your consciousness. Breathe in cleansing pure air, exhale all the crud: anxieties, anger, depression, worries, etc.
      Sometimes I really DO want to make them go away, and in that case, with my deep breathing, I blow out hard a few times as if I am blowing that cloud away. I know it will come back and that’s okay. I can observe it and then blow it away again. Eventually you will recognize the ones that keep coming back are the ones you need to focus on and work through, but for now…. just breathe and observe. Hope that helps.

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