Over the last 5 years, I have done a lot of processing of a lot of trauma. And it’s been more painful than I can ever express. Processing child sexual abuse, abuse from sociopaths/psychopaths, rape, absolute captivity abuse, severe emotional, psychological and spiritual abuse……. and decades of it, is not fun.
It’s nearly killed me to have to confront it all.
There are things I feel I will never be okay with. The abuse from my mother. The child sexual abuse. They truly are soul murder.
I feel like a part of me died in my childhood and will never be okay. You can’t heal, what’s died.
Now, I am at a place where there are things I will never be at peace with. I know myself too well and I will never be okay with the depths of betrayal I feel. And this includes my faith based abandonment and betrayal issues.
Now, I don’t know if I am just suppressing the emotions of it all. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to hear I ‘should’ be doing better. I don’t want to hear I am wrong. I don’t want to hear my truth is somehow not what I should be feeling.
I’ve quit counselling and I no longer want to discuss any of it. I don’t want to go over the same stuff, the same un-answered questions, the issues that never have a good explanation. And feel the pain burning into my soul each time there is no answer, that isn’t painful.
I’m re-writing my book, to remove these issues I still have – because I am not ever going to say I am okay with something, that I am not at okay with. I have too much integrity for that. And I cannot pretend.
I feel like I am at this place where all I have left – is to avoid thinking about it. Avoid discussing it. And to fill my life with other things that act as a distraction.
I don’t know if this is where all people go to, at a certain part of healing. Where you make a conscious choice to avoid thinking about all the trauma. But, it’s where I’m at. And it feels awfully like where I was prior to the last 5 years. Avoidance, distraction.
It doesn’t feel like how I assumed it would feel when I was ‘moving on’ from the trauma processing and grieving. It feels emotion-less. But, not a place of peace.
Maybe I assumed there would be peace – and that was a stupid assumption?
Maybe I am simply back to where I was 6 years ago – and the last 5 years have been an agonising, painful, terrible waste of time?
I have no idea which applies.
But, all I know……… is in many ways I now feel worse – for dealing with the absolute raw truth. Denial and minimizing – sure are easier. There is absolutely nothing good, that has come from dealing with it all, in such a deep and honest way.
Maybe I am still grieving?
Maybe it will get better than this?
Maybe, I deluded myself that I would feel at peace with it all at some point and the reality is, there is no peace after the amount of trauma, betrayal and abandonment I have endured.
I don’t even know that I care anymore.
It is always a bad idea, for me to care.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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