Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

No longer a Christian – because I am not a hypocrite ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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I have made no secret of the fact that I have been very conflicted about my faith.

I cannot and will not ever reconcile a loving God, who allows suffering. Who allows children to suffer…. starve to death, be abused to death, to suffer over long periods of time.

I cannot accept this.

I no longer consider myself a Christian. I do believe in God, but I don’t believe in God being a pure, loving God.

I cannot be a hypocrite and say people who enable abuse are terrible people, and then say God – who does the same – is a good God.

I will never be okay with any being who allows children to suffer.

I am okay with other people being Christians…. as long as they do not try to tell me my truth is wrong. Because they do not get to demand their beliefs are the only answer – when they have absolutely no proof to back it up.

I’m not a hypocrite and enabling abuse, watching abuse and doing nothing – is not ever okay, not ever excusable, not ever good.

I’ve endured a lot of severe and painful abuse – where people knew what was happening and did nothing to stop it and sided with abusers. Including ‘Christians’.

I will NEVER be okay with that. And I will never be okay with people who demand I be okay with this. Which is one reason I have quit Christian counselling. I cannot trust someone who wants me to believe it’s okay for God to have watched all that happened to me……. and did nothing – and I am supposed to be okay with that.

Not ever gonna happen. It is the ultimate betrayal. The ultimate abandonment. And I do not have to be accepting of this.

Some people will not be okay with this, but I am always honest and transparent in my journey and this is my reality and my truth.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

One thought on “No longer a Christian – because I am not a hypocrite ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

  1. Dearest, Lilly. I understand how hard it is to endure the pain of abuse and then be re victimized by the very “church” that was supposed to “do justly and love mercy”. To make a long story-ridiculously short; we were excommunicated from our church (a very close knit; family -so I thought- for ten years!) for confronting the pastor on spiritually abusive tactics, knowingly covering up his son’s sexual abuse of small children, and not coming to the aide and exposing abuse of married women in the church. WE were called divisive, bitter, and backslidden for taking a stand.

    Truly though, I know this wrestling with God. I do not judge you at all. I do hope it is okay to let you know that your blog is a blessing to me as it helps me remember that I am not the only one who shares such pain and confusion after such tragedy. I will pray for you. One thing I have learned via much biblical counseling (Patrick Doyle through Dovetv) is that I know in my heart that God isn’t just sitting back watching this pain and ignoring it. Judgement will come. Restitution will be paid- mine was paid at the cross of Christ. Those who twisted scripture to their own means; well, theirs will be paid for at the judgement seat of Christ. But it ALWAYS comes.

    I also know that during my darkest times. When I was ready to end my life-planning how to make it look accidental so as to not further injure my beautiful children; a “spirit” within me would kindly tell me “no”…my story isn’t over yet. An encouragement and comfort that didn’t come from my own heart which was ready to give up.

    I will still stay connected to your blog. It is a blessing to me. It makes the world a little less lonely place to those who know this pain. Because, truly those who are still close to me; don’t truly want to talk about it. It’s almost like you are I are…talking about it; being honest about it.

    Thank you. And I pray that maybe, by His mercy…God will draw you back to himself and show you that through this tragedy, he used you to reach into the lives of others. That, no, He isn’t merely sitting back and enjoying the “show”. But that he is using what you have witnessed to comfort others.

    Sincerest love,