I’m aware of the levels of victim shaming, victim blaming and shame shifting that goes on in society. Especially with church people.
I’ve recently had it in counselling. Again. I wasn’t okay as it was said and I’m far from okay with it now. Often it takes me time to work out why something was not okay. And it’s one of several reasons for quitting counselling.
My counsellor – in a highly un-empathic way and insensitive way – decided to label all I have done online and here on my blog over the last 4 years, as me being ‘seduced by trauma’.
So in other words, I ‘chose’ to keep myself in a state of thinking about trauma. Which is utter fucking BS. I have severe PTSD and I have no choice in thinking about trauma. I spent 2 decades from 20-40 desperately trying to avoid thinking about trauma. So to suggest I have been willingly making myself think about trauma, is disgusting.
Doing all I have done online, in many ways has saved my life. I had a breakdown, due to church people abusing me, which pushed me over the edge of coping. My writing, reaching out, my work online, all became a way for me to cope. Because only online, did I find anyone who ‘gets it’.
And it is such re-traumatising language. ‘Seduced by trauma’. What a pathetic attempt at victim blaming, victim shaming. It’s the same abusive rhetoric paedophile priests use to blame the children for ‘seducing’ them. It’s the same abusive rhetoric many abusive and toxic people use, to victim blame.
But, that’s church people for you. Victim blaming and victim shaming is what many of them choose to believe in.
I am so done with listening to other people’s BS. And letting people harm me further.
I would never suggest a complex trauma survivor – who in the middle of trying to process severe complex trauma and grieve severe complex trauma – is willingly being ‘seduced by trauma’.
I’m seriously fucking over this abusive rhetoric.
And I am seriously fucking over explaining empathy to people who should already have it, but don’t.
It also makes me wonder what else she believes was my own fault? Maybe she believes all the abuse I have suffered – was my own fault? Maybe she believes the abuse was in some way what I deserved.
Who fucking even cares.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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