I have spent a lot of time in my life, being very hypervigilant, as to people’s motivations. And it is now highly skilled discernment.
After the latest issues arising in counselling, other issues in my life occurring…… I really have come to the point of no longer caring about what other people think and simply accept that no-one actually has my best interests at heart.
And that’s okay.
Because I only need to worry about what my motivations are.
I don’t want to work people out anymore. I don’t want to know if someone is having ‘red flag’ behaviours and attitudes. I just need to keep people at a safe emotional distance and not rely on, or depend on anyone and not care if they have ulterior motives.
I have people in my life, who I don’t depend on, but are there for conversation and nice company. I am there for them and their life issues, but I don’t get too involved. I choose not to further those friendships to anything more than the times we meet each fortnight.
I’m starting my photography course next year and I will form connections there, about this shared passion.
I no longer want or need anymore.
I know there are people who will say complex trauma is only healed within trusting, close relationships. And I do believe that is needed for many. I am not arguing that is not needed. But, for me….. it isn’t going to happen.
And I am remarkably calm about this. Considering how much anxiety and fear this issue normally creates. This blog is full of posts where I am struggling so badly with trust issues and seeking deeper connections with people.
I guess life is about making the best of what you have.
I have my children. I have my photography. I have my puppy. I have my writing. I have my other interests – gardening, craft, music, reading.
It takes a lot of anxiety and fear away, when you reach a point of no longer seeking more than you have.
What I have….. is enough.
And I no longer have any drive, to seek anything more.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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