I am ending 2016, with a great deal of sadness – that I know is in there. I just can’t feel it at the moment. I know I am experiencing dissociation from my emotions.
At my last counselling session, it became all very clear why my counsellor has never been enthusiastic about my blogging, website, social media, or me becoming a counsellor. (My first counsellor said I would be an amazing trauma counsellor).
All along my last counsellor believed all it was, everything I have achieved – was me choosing to be ‘seduced by trauma’.
Her. Exact. Words.
She hasn’t known who I am – all along. Her pre-conceived ideas and beliefs, clouded her judgment – for 5 years.
It didn’t matter to her, that I explained so many times – I never wanted to talk about any of the trauma. For 2 decades prior to my breakdown, I rarely spoke about it. And my breakdown at 40 (caused by more abuse), forced me to have to deal with it. I never wanted to have to deal with any of it. I have NEVER been someone choosing to be a victim. I have always taken care of myself, provided for myself and got on with my life, as best I could.
And I know the depths of courage and strength, that required.
I spent 20 years – from the age of 20 – to 40 – avoiding it all. My husband (of 16 years) knew very little about any of it. Not that he ever asked. He couldn’t care less about my past, because all he has ever cared about is himself and getting his needs met. He is a highly narcissistic man. A compulsive liar, and someone I don’t respect, like, or trust. And that is all down to him. I don’t expect change from him. He isn’t capable of it. I only tolerate him, for our children. As long as we stay together, I know exactly what is happening to me children, at all times. If we split up, I wouldn’t know what they were being exposed to when with their father. Keeping us together, is in the best interests of my children.
And I do know, I have indeed always ended up with selfish, abusive/using, manipulative, liars – like my husband. But, that was not because I was ‘seduced by trauma’. That’s because abusive, narcissistic people – were my ‘normal’. And not knowing what healthy was, did not in any way justify anyone lying, manipulating, using or abusing me. That is all their choices, their responsibility.
I don’t tolerate toxicity anymore. I now have self esteem and healthy boundaries. And I know why narcissistic people have always been drawn to me. Because I was easy prey. I was groomed from a young age, to tolerate abusive people. I didn’t believe I deserved better.
Now, I do.
And my counsellor knew all this. I’ve spend 5 years talking about all this. Talking about all the abuse in my childhood, in my teenage years, in adulthood.
She’s counselling my husband now, for his narcissism. Which I have no doubt is a waste of time. As an expert on toxic people (Dr George Simon) said – there are therapists who believe they can change toxic, character disordered people. But, they cannot. They just buy into the lies the toxic people tell them. They buy into the manipulation and deceit. The faked ‘shame and guilt’. And to make this all easier – they victim blame and victim shame – these toxic people’s victims.
It’s easier to sit with paedophiles, narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths – when you can make them seem less heinous – by victim blaming and shifting some of the responsibility for the abuse, onto the victims. Life feels better, when you make evil people – seem less evil. I see that clearly is how many ‘professionals’ deal with heinous people.
No matter the success of this blog, all the mental health professionals (who are more trauma informed than she is) commending me on my work and insight, all the 1000’s of people who let me know my work is so meaningful to them…… my own counsellor all along – believed all I was doing – was worthless.
It’s a cruel kick in the guts.
What she also fails to understand, is my work kept me alive. Being abused by church people, whilst also married to a selfish, manipulative, compulsive lying narcissist and then dealing with all the severe trauma I have endured, is horrendous.
And writing about it all, connecting with others, educating myself as much as I have, kept me alive. But, in her mind, anything keeping me alive – was clearly worthless.
No wonder she has tried put me off writing my book. I guess to her, any success I had with that – would be worthless in her mind too.
No wonder she tried to put me off being a counsellor.
It’s all so clear now.
I have wasted 5 years in counselling.
I’ve told her details about abuse, I will never speak about again – or talk to anyone about. Details of the abuse, that are so painful – I can barely write about it, let alone speak about.
I’ve wasted 5 years trying to trust someone I shouldn’t have.
Because all along – her pre-conceived beliefs and her need to victim shame and victim blame – have all come to the surface, and now she has completely destroyed any hope I had in trusting people.
She pretended to be someone who cared about severe abuse survivors, when in fact – all along – she is a victim blamer/shamer.
What she has done, is unforgiveable.
It has firmly cemented my understanding that people are not ever to be trusted. They do not ever have your best interests at heart.
The only person I can ever trust, is myself.
As I always knew.
When you cannot trust your own husband, your own family, or even your own counsellor…. you know you are completely alone.
And that’s okay. It’s better to be alone, than fit in and want to be around toxic people.
2017, will be a new year and a new start.
A year I will finish my book, learn everything I need to learn in my photography course, and create the life for myself, I know now……… I deserved all along.
And I will do this……. by myself.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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