Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I realised, I needed to be much tougher. And that’s not a bad thing ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

5 Comments

All my life, I have tolerated unhealthy and abusive issues from others and never stood up for myself. Abuse was my ‘normal’ – from as far back as I ever remember.

I’m aware my childhood created the very vigilant, very intuitive person I am – who was also a doormat to anyone else’s toxic issues. I was groomed to tolerated it.

It always went really badly – when I tried to stand up for myself. Because when toxic people see their victims are going to resist/object to what they are doing – they turn up the heat on their toxic behaviours. Which is done intentionally – to stop the victim from resisting or objecting.

This pattern of not objecting or resisting continued on, all my life. Until about a year ago, when I started to realise I had every right to tell people to take a hike and they were not welcome in my life – in any form.

I had to fight with my self over this – to not feel like I was doing the wrong thing. It ‘felt’ wrong – to have boundaries with toxic people. It wasn’t my normal and I always had considerable anxiety at having boundaries, and standing up for myself – because of the history of being treated worse – when I tried.

Now, after more recent issues occurring in my life……. I really am at a stage where I am O.V.E.R. dealing with other people’s issues and I do not in any way now – feel responsible for helping them, or dealing with their issues.

I have healed enough and developed enough self esteem – to insist people behave in a way that meets my requirements for behaviour/attitude, or they will not be in my life.

I am tougher now. And I am glad to feel that anxiety about this – having gone.

I have standards and people have to meet them, or they are out.

This doesn’t mean I hate them, or want anything bad to happen to them. It doesn’t mean I don’t want the best for them – I do. So, no wrong judgments and assumptions needed – about how I feel about toxic people.

But, I simply do not have any desire to have toxic people in my life, in any way. And wherever possible, they will be removed from my life.

I have realised I need to protect my empathic self, from those who do not deserve it. And people do need to earn my respect and my empathy. People don’t get to demand or expect that from me anymore.

I feel stronger and tougher, than I have ever been in my life.

And I see how badly I was previously treated – by not having this strength of emotional boundaries, self esteem and toughness.

This doesn’t mean I no longer have empathy – but I am very selective as to whom I give that to.

It doesn’t make me compassionate – to be a doormat to other people’s toxicity. That made me vulnerable and easily preyed upon.

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Toxic people don’t play fair, and they look for vulnerable people.

That is not who I am. Anymore.

It’s taken a lot of hard work, to get to this point.

And, it is healing.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

5 thoughts on “I realised, I needed to be much tougher. And that’s not a bad thing ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

  1. Very well said.Good on you.Yes setting boundries is hard.Ive recently started & people think they can just push me to change my mind,but Im gradually getting stronger.At times 3 steps forward & 2 back,but still progress.

    • The journey to changing anything is not a quick process.

      And unhealthy/toxic people will resent boundaries and may become worse in their behaviours – to try to wear you down. But, persist anyway.

      Healing is not a linear process and in fact it goes up and down, round and round, forwards and backwards. But, as we persist – it does become better and easier over time.

      Lilly ❤

  2. I really admire all that you’ve accomplished and am so grateful to you for sharing your journey because I learn so much from you.

    Also, I am really happy for you regarding your new plans for 2017!!
    I’m really looking forward to your book!!

    This post is very meaningful for me because I want so badly to have & do what you described.

    But I have absolutely no idea how. None at all. Draw a complete blank about what to say to people I need to set boundaries with.

    My “learned helplessness” is so strong that I just freeze and go blank.

    Because of this blog I’ve made progress in recognizing toxic abuse but it’s so painful to recognize it but feel hopeless and helpless to stand up for myself because I don’t know how.

    In the past when I’ve tried to stand up for myself the abuse became a hundred times worse.

    So I’ve coped by avoiding the toxic people with excuses that don’t threaten them in any way.

    I’m also very confused about how to tell if a situation needs an internal boundary or an external one where I need to speak out.

    You inspire me to not give up and to keep working on these things.

  3. I love this. Thank you. Sharing on our Give Her Wings FB page later.

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