Ending 2016, in a nice way.

My husband is working (which is good) and myself and my boys, are spending New Years Eve together.

We have kindly been invited to a friends house for dinner. Their son, is my 7 year olds best friend and they are in the same class in 2017.

I have recently become friends with the family, and we have clicked. I find the mum very easy to talk to. She’s intelligent and we can have decent conversations. She’s as pleased as I am that our sons are friends, because they are good kids, who are mature for their age.

They are a really nice family, and I feel much gratitude for being invited over.

Today, I have been out with my boys, had a doughnut treat and bought some chocolates and flowers to take later, as a thank you for inviting us.

So, I am spending New Years Eve in a nice way, with my boys and a nice family 🙂

It’s always interesting seeing people demand I should not express my emotions & my journey ….. on ‘my own’ blog.

The world is full of different types of people. Some are selfish, self serving, envious and feel absolutely entitled to put others down – even on the persons own blog.

This blog is where I express everything I am going through. The good, the bad and the ugly.

It is my place to talk about my own specific journey. This is not a place for people to ‘tell’ me – my emotions and my journey are ‘wrong’.

Yet, there are people out there – who tell me I should not do this. Or I should do this differently. In the way ‘they’ think I should write. And leave nasty comments, when I am struggling. Their selfishness – and need to kick someone when they are down – is so evident in their attitudes.

I have come to understand – selfish attitudes, self serving beliefs, entitled attitudes, malicious mindsets and a need to hurt someone – are common and quite frankly – pathetic.

I will continue to express my journey, my emotions here on my own blog, with the honesty and integrity I have – to express it all.

Grief is love with no place to go ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

This meme really made me stop and think. And it’s true. And it’s made me think even more than is mentioned in this meme.

 

I’ve been grieving all my life. Because the people in my life, were unable/unwilling to give love. They were people who used and abused. And whilst you try to give love to them, it isn’t treated well. And you don’t receive any love back.

I’ve been grieving all my life. I’m still grieving. Grieving my mother. My birth father who I have never met. My step father. My sisters. People I have loved in various relationships. Even now, I am grieving my marriage, my ex counsellor.

All the emotions, love and caring……. with nowhere to go.

It’s hard grieving people who are still alive.

It’s hard grieving an entire life.

But, that is what I am doing. And grieving involves many emotions. And grieving such heinous abuse, such neglect, such abandonment, such callous treatment, such pain…….. does not have a timespan.

So glad I found the IP blacklist – where you add IP addresses of trolls

I’ve had a lot of trolling, abusive comments and issues from abusive people, on this blog over the time I have been blogging here.

I’ve had paedophiles, sociopaths, narcissists – all troll my blog.

I’ve had abusive people I’ve banned on social media – troll and abuse me here on this blog.

And I’ve dealt with them all, mostly by completely ignoring them.

Now, I have found the place where you can add IP addresses of trolls – so they are blocked. I wish I had found this earlier, but better late than never.

This is the latest one blocked – some troll in Bucharest – venting and trolling for fun. Such narcissistic and sociopathic behaviour. Her ‘screen’ name is Kati Lomer (doubt that is her real name). Her IP address: 213.177.4.234. I also have her email address, used to comment on this site. 

I need to find a job and somewhere for myself and my boys to live

My marriage issues have been worsening over the last few months, and todays argument has finally made me realise, I need to get away from him. I need to do this for my wellbeing, which ultimately is for my children’s wellbeing.

I can’t live in this toxic environment any longer. The depths of his callous, selfish issues, are beyond my capacity to cope with any longer. He has indicated he either wants me to tolerate his lying, manipulative, selfish ways, and stop talking about it – or wants our marriage over. And he has admitted he never intends changing. So this is his decision to break up our family, rather than do what’s necessary to be a decent human being and keep our family together. And he’s walked away from a family in the past, and is doing it again.

I do know he is not capable of change. He is a narcissist and has psychopath traits – of no empathy, no conscience, no shame, no remorse, no regard for another suffering and no willingness to change. He is a compulsive liar, only ever does anything from a place of his own needs. He is a cheater, a liar and selfish to the core. He duped me into believing he was someone completely different at the beginning of our relationship – as narcissists always do. He lied from day one. He intentionally failed to tell me all the disgusting things he’s done, all the adultery in his first marriage. He pretended to be a really good person, and it was all lies and an act. And…. when I found out from others about all his disgusting behaviours, he acted like ‘he’ was the one being treated badly. He sulked, had tantrums, and didn’t once stop to consider how I felt. In fact, he made me feel like ‘I’ was the problem – for finding out off others – who is really is.

Fuck you all – every person who has made me feel ‘not good enough’.

I’ve spent my entire life, around people who deem me ‘not good enough’. Mostly due to their narcissistic needs, selfishness and abusive motivations.

From being a young child, right up and until recently – I haven’t been other people’s version of ‘good enough’.

My ex-counsellor has self serving needs to view abusive people a certain way. This is so she can feel sorry for abusers and provide them with counselling. And she has made it very clear over the last 4 years – anything different to ‘her’ views, is not good enough.

It is interesting that I never talk about revenge, retaliation, karma etc, and I as a result have a healthy level of compassion for abusers such as paedophiles, psychopaths etc…. and yet my beliefs were still not ‘good enough. For her. Because I would not view these sick evil people, in exactly the same way as she chooses to.

When people have a vested interest in needing certain beliefs, they refuse to see outside of that, or have empathy to know someone else can have very valid beliefs.

I have received considerable positive and encouraging feedback about my work. My website, this blog, my social media. Yet, my own counsellor never supported any of it. And the reason – is because I don’t write ‘her’ beliefs, I write about my own. And I have challenged her on many of her beliefs, and I know she is no doubt not used to that.

And my beliefs and understanding have be validated by many other professionals. So, the fact she is a person who chooses to see what I do as worthless, is pretty disgusting.

Going to try and access a bulk billing psychiatrist.

I’m a mess, and I know I can’t do this alone. I need professional support and I need someone who truly understands complex trauma.

I’m going to contact the hospital I went to a few times when suicidal. They said I could phone them, or contact them, whenever I needed to. The male psychiatrist I saw, was really lovely and the woman I saw a few days later, was really easy to talk to.

I need to talk to someone who gets it and can validate my journey and not force personal opinions/beliefs on me. I need to see someone who won’t force their self serving opinions about heinous abusers on me. I need someone with the sensitivity and empathy to know what to say, and what not to say.

Terminal aloneness, my constant companion

I have to accept the fact, that I am alone. In terms of people actually in my life, I am completely alone.

I no longer have a relationship with God. My therapy has ended. My husband is completely self absorbed and only cares about himself. My children are children and I treat them as such.

I have friends, but I don’t talk about any of my trauma related stuff. They are superficial relationships. In terms of being connected in any genuine, deep way…. I have no-one. I have no-one who cares about my wellbeing, my healing, my soul.

And I know now, it will never change. I’ve tried and failed. I have to accept I will only have superficial relationships. I will never have what I have always longed for.

The terminal aloneness I feel, is overwhelmingly painful. It makes me have to zone out to cope.

To feel so alone, even when surrounded by people….. is not something anyone should have to endure.

Robin Williams understood this.

Fighting back suicidal thoughts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My children are in bed asleep.

The happy act I put on all day, had ended.

It’s 11.30pm on Christmas Eve.

Fighting back suicidal thoughts.

I hate myself.

I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up.

 

 

So glad to see Jeff Brown understands Eckhart Tolle is harmful, not helpful.

I often feel like an alien on this planet. I see and understand things most people don’t.

I am always so glad to read Jeff Brown’s posts and comments.

Today I saw this comment from Jeff, in response to someone on his page commenting about Eckhart Tolle.

Thank God for people like Jeff Brown. Thank God he also has the discernment to know fake and false ‘teachers’.

Jeff makes me feel like I am not an alien. I am not totally alone. There are souls out there, who see and understand human emotions and human behaviour – on a much deeper level. As I do.