Focussing on building the life I always deserved ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I’ve not been having the best few weeks, with my counselling ending so badly, plus other issues in my life I have to endure for some time yet.

I have a ladies group I have been running now for a year and it going so well. At my last ladies group we had such a lovely time. It was our Christmas get-together, we had a secret Santa, and I brought decorations and decorated the table – which the ladies thought was lovely.

Today, was our last meet before Christmas, and the ladies were just delightful to be with. Some ladies have some personal issues and we talk about that. But, we also have chat about nice things too and have some giggles.

I really feel like I can be myself around the ladies. I joke a bit and they like that – it always makes them laugh. I can also be the kooky person I am, and they are accepting of that. They know I have had a ‘difficult’ childhood, but I haven’t elaborated on that. And I don’t intend to, because I can’t handle anymore hurt and rejection about my trauma history.

I am happy to just focus on other things about my life to talk about. They are very encouraging of my photography career and ask me questions and are interested. Which is nice because no-one has ever really been interested in what I do, other than to put me down.

So, it’s nice to have genuine encouragement and I am appreciative of that. I’m looking forward to catching up with them in the new year.

Even therapists like to gaslight.

I know gaslighting and I know toxic people love to use this manipulation and dishonesty tactic, to harm people.

Gaslighting is when someone distorts the reality of a situation, to either not take responsibility, or to abuse someone further.

Saying ‘I don’t remember that’, or ‘that is not what I remember’ is a gaslighting way of basically telling someone their truth, is not truth.

They often only conveniently remember certain parts of conversations, and choose to pretend the rest did not occur. And of course, the part they conveniently don’t remember – is the part where they did wrong, hurt someone, abused someone etc.

It takes courage and self honesty to admit fully when wrong, and when a person has hurt someone. Most people don’t have that courage or capacity for honesty.

I have the insight and discernment capacity that is not common and I will and do work things out.

My therapist conveniently only remembers what she wants to remember and is ignoring the part where she was inappropriate, emotionally abusive and highly unprofessional. I’m sure saying I have chosen to be ‘seduced by trauma’ is not in her notes.

And along with that, is no conscience, no shame, no regret, no remorse, no empathy.

I do realise this is why she has a hard time saying people who lie, manipulate, gaslight etc – are abusers. And the reason is – because she does that too. And to say those behaviours are abusive – means she would have to admit she is abusive as well. And she can’t do that. Because that would tarnish her ‘reputation’ and self belief that she is freakin amazing. As she loves people to tell her. She has a big ego about her own self importance.

And this is why she likes being around abusers. Why she normalises their behaviour.

So painful to know all along, my therapist blamed me for all the abuse I endured.

I have recently realised my therapist is a victim blaming, victim shaming, abuser excuser twisted church person all along.

Her exact words – I was ‘seduced by trauma’. Which is a disgusting, highly inappropriate, unprofessional, harmful, wrong and abusive thing to say to a complex trauma survivor. And I know that – because I’ve had other therapists tell me that.

She basically believes I wanted all the trauma and enjoyed it.

How fucking sick is that.

That’s why she minimized what the abusive church and Baptist pastor did to me. She probably thinks I wanted and enjoyed all that too.

She probably thinks I enjoyed being sexually abused as a child. And raped every day by a psychopath.

She probably thinks my mother is not that bad, and I deserved all I got from her. I enjoyed being a sex traffic victim, set up by my own mother to be sexually abused by her husbands friends. And she probably believes I enjoyed it all.

That’s what victim blamers/ victim shamers /shame shifters do – they find some way of making the abuse the victims fault. They believe the victim enjoyed it.

That’s no doubt why she tried to tell me how a paedophile did love his child and they are not that bad really. Even though they are sexually abusing children.

I feel sick and I feel like I’m going to throw up.

5 years I wasted my time talking to someone, who didn’t give shit about anything I have been through and was just there to force her victim shaming, victim blaming, shame shifting beliefs onto me, just like most church people do.

There is a part of me that wants to truly hate myself, for going along with this all this time.

There’s a part of me wants to hate her, because all I was doing was trying to trust someone who was supposed to be trustworthy. It was not wrong of me to believe I could trust her.

But really all she cares about are abusers. And she makes money out of being nice to them. I have no doubt she makes them feel like they are not bad people and they are just ‘hurting inside’.

I know I am suppressing a lot of anger at the moment. I want to scream at her and tell her what I think. Tell her how much she’s hurt me. Tell her how sick this all is. But, there is no point. Because she doesn’t give a shit. They never do. She’ll just fill my weekly session, with a new person to force her beliefs onto. Probably an abuser. She likes them.