I have recently realised my therapist is a victim blaming, victim shaming, abuser excuser twisted church person all along.
Her exact words – I was ‘seduced by trauma’. Which is a disgusting, highly inappropriate, unprofessional, harmful, wrong and abusive thing to say to a complex trauma survivor. And I know that – because I’ve had other therapists tell me that.
She basically believes I wanted all the trauma and enjoyed it.
How fucking sick is that.
That’s why she minimized what the abusive church and Baptist pastor did to me. She probably thinks I wanted and enjoyed all that too.
She probably thinks I enjoyed being sexually abused as a child. And raped every day by a psychopath.
She probably thinks my mother is not that bad, and I deserved all I got from her. I enjoyed being a sex traffic victim, set up by my own mother to be sexually abused by her husbands friends. And she probably believes I enjoyed it all.
That’s what victim blamers/ victim shamers /shame shifters do – they find some way of making the abuse the victims fault. They believe the victim enjoyed it.
That’s no doubt why she tried to tell me how a paedophile did love his child and they are not that bad really. Even though they are sexually abusing children.
I feel sick and I feel like I’m going to throw up.
5 years I wasted my time talking to someone, who didn’t give shit about anything I have been through and was just there to force her victim shaming, victim blaming, shame shifting beliefs onto me, just like most church people do.
There is a part of me that wants to truly hate myself, for going along with this all this time.
There’s a part of me wants to hate her, because all I was doing was trying to trust someone who was supposed to be trustworthy. It was not wrong of me to believe I could trust her.
But really all she cares about are abusers. And she makes money out of being nice to them. I have no doubt she makes them feel like they are not bad people and they are just ‘hurting inside’.
I know I am suppressing a lot of anger at the moment. I want to scream at her and tell her what I think. Tell her how much she’s hurt me. Tell her how sick this all is. But, there is no point. Because she doesn’t give a shit. They never do. She’ll just fill my weekly session, with a new person to force her beliefs onto. Probably an abuser. She likes them.
I will never talk to anyone ever again about what I’ve endured in life. I will allow anyone that close to me again. I will never try to trust another person.
I will keep it inside me and protect myself the way I know does work.