Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

So painful to know all along, my therapist blamed me for all the abuse I endured.

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I have recently realised my therapist is a victim blaming, victim shaming, abuser excuser twisted church person all along.

Her exact words – I was ‘seduced by trauma’. Which is a disgusting, highly inappropriate, unprofessional, harmful, wrong and abusive thing to say to a complex trauma survivor. And I know that – because I’ve had other therapists tell me that.

She basically believes I wanted all the trauma and enjoyed it.

How fucking sick is that.

That’s why she minimized what the abusive church and Baptist pastor did to me. She probably thinks I wanted and enjoyed all that too.

She probably thinks I enjoyed being sexually abused as a child. And raped every day by a psychopath.

She probably thinks my mother is not that bad, and I deserved all I got from her. I enjoyed being a sex traffic victim, set up by my own mother to be sexually abused by her husbands friends. And she probably believes I enjoyed it all.

That’s what victim blamers/ victim shamers /shame shifters do – they find some way of making the abuse the victims fault. They believe the victim enjoyed it.

That’s no doubt why she tried to tell me how a paedophile did love his child and they are not that bad really. Even though they are sexually abusing children.

I feel sick and I feel like I’m going to throw up.

5 years I wasted my time talking to someone, who didn’t give shit about anything I have been through and was just there to force her victim shaming, victim blaming, shame shifting beliefs onto me, just like most church people do.

There is a part of me that wants to truly hate myself, for going along with this all this time.

There’s a part of me wants to hate her, because all I was doing was trying to trust someone who was supposed to be trustworthy. It was not wrong of me to believe I could trust her.

But really all she cares about are abusers. And she makes money out of being nice to them. I have no doubt she makes them feel like they are not bad people and they are just ‘hurting inside’.

I know I am suppressing a lot of anger at the moment. I want to scream at her and tell her what I think. Tell her how much she’s hurt me. Tell her how sick this all is. But, there is no point. Because she doesn’t give a shit. They never do. She’ll just fill my weekly session, with a new person to force her beliefs onto. Probably an abuser. She likes them.

I will never talk to anyone ever again about what I’ve endured in life. I will allow anyone that close to me again. I will never try to trust another person.

I will keep it inside me and protect myself the way I know does work.

Trust no-one.

 

 

 

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

One thought on “So painful to know all along, my therapist blamed me for all the abuse I endured.

  1. I agree 100% with this post.

    I no longer talk to anyone about my rapes and abuse.

    I do share and post comments only on this blog because Lilly has created a safe place which I’m very grateful for.

    The best “therapy” and healing and validation I’ve experienced comes from this blog and from books/websites by Pete Walker, Alice Miller, Judith Herman, Christina Enevoldsen etc.

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