Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I don’t want to do this anymore.


I know when I’m not doing okay, because I can’t eat, all my PTSD symptoms increase, I get suicidal thoughts, I wish I could not be here.

I’m aware the situation of my counselling ending so badly, is trauma. I have been re-traumatised and emotionally abused by her, and this has impacted me greatly. Even though I tried hard to not let it affect me.

This, plus issues in my marriage increasing, are overwhelming.

I’ve also had to cancel doing my photography course, because I have found out this week – the Government funding has reduced and I cannot afford to pay for the course.

Plus, I have issues about my faith.

It’s too much.

And I have no-one to talk to.

It feels like my whole life is falling apart and there is nothing I can do to sort it out.

I tried to be really strong about all this, and realise my counsellors and husband issues are actually nothing to do with me – it’s their issues. But, the fact is – it does impact me. I can’t just turn off those strong emotions indefinitely.

No matter how hard I try to improve my life and get back on track – things always fall apart. So, I give up.

I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up.

I don’t want to do this anymore.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

22 thoughts on “I don’t want to do this anymore.

  1. I’ll talk to you . Hang in there you are going to make it.

  2. lily I am so sorry you are going thru this. you have been there for hundreds of people. if I could call you I would do so……… you are a gifted, generous ,person………

  3. Sending a hug if you would like and I understand and am feeling very much the same and I am sad that you are hurting so badly and I wish I had a magic wand to fix it. I believe in you Lily.

  4. This sounds so hard! It is a lot at one time, and it makes sense you feel overwhelmed. Please remember though that the most desperate periods come and go. This will pass as well. In the meantime, please hang on and be as gentle with yourself as possible. Reach out to your supports, including your followers online. We care about you.

  5. Hi Lilly,
    You need time to yourself perhaps, I’m not sure what you would do. Do you have a friend whose home you could go to for a couple of days for you & the kids? Or a motel? Also I would suggest talking to someone in the legal profession about possible options whatever they maybe regarding your marriage. Lastly find another therapist search one out ,then interview them throughly i.e make clear all your concerns you may have to go to more than one. For the time being you may need a break from finding one.
    I would recommend that you keep up your blog , writing is a life savor for you. Perhaps you may need a break, I don’t know.
    But take some time away for yourself!

  6. Im so sorry ur feeling this way.I do know though that if u try to ride it out that things wont feel this bad forever.I know this from personal experiance.Ive felt extreamly suicidal over last few days,& then yesterday sorted a few things & had a better day.I feel for u with ur marriage issues & the therapist issues as Ive been there to,& Im now extreamly reluctant about seeing someone else.Both with men & a new therapist.There are many days that I hang on just for my 2 little girls.U have helped me alot with ur blogs & facebook page.U are a very wise person,& what u write is spot on for me.When Im feeling really low I try to do small things for myself like a shower,read a good book,have something nice to eat at a cafe or something,as even though I feel like just staying in bed,I usually feel better once Ive gotten out abit.

  7. I am happy to chat,though dont want to give out my details publically.Im not sure if u can see my email address?If so feel free to contact me,& I can give u my phone numbet if u want.If not,thats ok too.Sending love & caring.Im not great with technology,but I assume that ur in Australia,as am I.

  8. My heart goes out to you Lilly and I’m really sorry you’re having to deal with so much pain and turmoil right now.

    When things get really hopeless in my life (like they are right now) it helps me to think about this quote:
    “Opportunity disguised as loss.”

    It helps me to see loss from a different angle and feel less despair and hopelessness. And maybe see a way forward.

    What if there was a Go Fund Me page for the photography course?

    Or via the Donate button on your website since it is already set up?

    Also, I have had negative experiences with one on one therapy counseling but have had very positive experiences with group therapy.

    What about a non-religious group therapy run by a counselor not connected to church people?

    You have a very large following and many people all over the world care about you and support you.

    Sending you lots of hugs and good wishes!!

  9. What happened with your counsellor is not OK, but don’t forget to give yourself some compassion – that kind of thing would affect anyone badly, be kind to yourself. I know I’ve been in that place of wanting to give up so many times, and it’s so hard (mostly impossible) to visualise yourself being in a place where you feel OK again. But I always end up being OK eventually and I’m sure you will too. Credit yourself for the little things, every day, it will get better 🙂

  10. Find yourself a new psychologist, Phd, who is an expert in CPTS TODAY

  11. Find a new, competent counselor.

  12. I know this feeling. I’ve lived it often, especially over the past 3 years. The only way can deal with it is to sink into it. I go on a negativity bender. I stay in bed for 3 days, or I freak out with no apologies, or I cry for days & rage, rage rage. After embracing for some time it seems to let up. Never completely, but enough for me to function. Good luck!

  13. feel like this alot especailly this time of year wh en it is the run up to christmas

  14. Thank you all, I truly do appreciate all your kind messages and words ❤ ❤

    I am trying to just sit with all these emotions and have self compassion and know my emotions are valid and know I did not deserve all this.
    I am trying to do the same for myself, that I would give as advice for anyone else.
    I have spoken to a psychologist, who was very concerned as to the attitude of my ex counsellor and the lack of empathy.
    I realise only highly insightful, highly empathic people should counsel complex trauma survivors.
    I also know she had very self serving reasons to victim shame/blame and to speak about heinous people like paedophiles as though they are normal human beings – because that's how she justifies counselling them and taking their money off them. She makes half her living counselling evil people, and often therapists who do counsel heinous and evil people – lose touch with reality and lose empathy for their victims.
    I was glad to have had this validated by a psychologist.
    I think the worst part was not actually the victim blaming/shaming attitude – it was the lies and covering her arse after it. Gaslighting a complex trauma survivor – and being the persons counsellor, is disgusting.
    I always know the character of a person – by how they deal with screwing up.
    Everyone can screw up – but it's how you deal with it, that really matters.
    Traumatising a complex trauma survivor the way she has, is unforgiveable and shows exactly what she is.
    I realise now why she 'normalises' narcissists – because she is highly narcissistic herself. A God complex to believe she can counsel the likes of paedophiles, psychopaths etc. She's a liar and covers her arse when she fucks up – with no conscience/remorse/shame etc – about hurting someone even more in the process.
    It's all very clear now.
    And I do know – none of that is actually anything to do with me. That's all her issues.

    Lilly ❤

  15. Dear Lilly,

    If you have been brutally broken, but still have the courage to be gentle to others, than you deserve a love deeper than the ocean itself ❤
    – Nikita Gill

    Breathe, it’s okay. You’re goinig to be okay. Just breathe. Breathe, and remind yourself of all the times in the past you felt this scared.
    All of the times you felt this anxious and this overwelmed.
    All of the times you felt this level of pain.
    And remind yourself how each time, you made it through.
    Life has thrown so much at you, and despite how difficult things have been, you’ve survived.
    Breathe and trust that you can survive this too.
    Trust that this struggle is part of the process.
    And trust that as long as you don’t give up and keep pushing forward, no matter how hopeless things seem, you will make it.
    – Daniell Koepke

    ❤ posters you placed once on you fb… and helped me and lots of others… now I hope this will help you !! Hold on strong woman Lilly ❤❤❤❤

    Lots of love Marlies

    • Thank you! ❤

      Yes, these are posters I have shared many times – to help others.

      Thank you for reminding me these apply to me too.

      I am holding on. One thing I always do – is survivor whatever is thrown at me life.

      Many times I have believed I have reached my breaking point – only to survive it and work through it.

      Thank you ❤

  16. I am so sorry to hear you’re struggling Lilly. I hope you’ve been doing well since this post. Blessings and hugs dear friend ❤ ❤ ❤ I am always here if you need to chat or vent.

  17. So glad you got in touch with a hopefully competent psychologist. You deserve all the empathy you can get. You are a wonderful mother and you will hang in there for yourself and your boys.
    Thank you for all the good you do in this world.

  18. Thank you everyone who has left comments. I truly appreciate you all.
    Lilly ❤ ❤

  19. Yes, I understand this completely. Oh god I understand this completely…trust me, I would love to talk. I don’t know you, I don’t know your exact ills, I don’t know what you have gone through, but I would be more than happy to talk, as I think this is a big issue and it helps to bond over the similar issue. If you are interested in talking, feel free to message me.