Dissociation has served me well throughout my life. It helped me cope with all the severe abuse as a child. It helped me cope through all the abuse as an adolescent. It helped me cope being sexually abused. Abused by paedophiles, sociopaths, narcissists.
I wouldn’t have survived it all, without dissociation.
I am currently overwhelmed, and I know this – because I am having more nightmares again, and I am numb a lot of the time.
When things are out of my control – I end up numb. When the pain is too much to feel, dissociation kicks in. My brain has known dissociation – since being a child.
In one way I am glad dissociation kicks in. I’m glad it helped me cope as a child. But, I also know – this means things are really bad, and I am beyond my emotional capacity to cope.
I’m having the robot mode type dissociation, but also an increase in the type where I feel like I am seeing things in slow motion. Which is a more severe kind of dissociation – described in the past as depersonalisation. I am also daydreaming a lot into the world I created for myself in my head, to escape to.
There are periods of time I am not present. Like 20-30 minutes. Sometimes longer.
I am trying to be present, focus on my children, my photography. But, there are periods of time each day, I am not present.
I realise I should see another therapist. But, I cannot afford one and I would never trust another therapist again now. There is no way I am going to explain my entire trauma history with another stranger, and hope they don’t do anything that causes more trauma. I cannot take that chance again.
Bottom line, I don’t trust my capacity to not ignore red flags in people’s behaviour. Over the last 5 years I saw many red flags and issues – and I tolerated them. Because I desperately needed someone to trust. Someone to have my interests at heart. Just one person. And that was not the situation I was in….. and I tolerated what I should never have tolerated.
Desperation, can affect a person who deeply needs a trustworthy person. Someone who has never known safety in another person.
I don’t think it is too much to ask for in life – just one person who genuinely wants the best for me. Someone I can trust to care about me. Or, maybe it is too much to ask. Maybe they were all right, and I never deserved it.
Maybe I got what I deserved. I hear my mothers words in my head now, how I am trouble, have caused her such grief, ruined her life, don’t deserve anything good, nothing but a drama queen. And her face – along with everyone else’s faces – flashing through my mind.
And even writing this now, I can feel the dissociation setting in, as I write about emotions I cannot cope with.
Dissociation – the only thing that ‘can’ be relied upon to help, when things get bad.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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