Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Dissociation – my long time friend ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

3 Comments

Dissociation has served me well throughout my life. It helped me cope with all the severe abuse as a child. It helped me cope through all the abuse as an adolescent. It helped me cope being sexually abused. Abused by paedophiles, sociopaths, narcissists.

I wouldn’t have survived it all, without dissociation.

I am currently overwhelmed, and I know this – because I am having more nightmares again, and I am numb a lot of the time.

Woman Looking Through Pane of Glass

 

When things are out of my control – I end up numb. When the pain is too much to feel, dissociation kicks in. My brain has known dissociation – since being a child.

In one way I am glad dissociation kicks in. I’m glad it helped me cope as a child. But, I also know – this means things are really bad, and I am beyond my emotional capacity to cope.

I’m having the robot mode type dissociation, but also an increase in the type where I feel like I am seeing things in slow motion. Which is a more severe kind of dissociation – described in the past as depersonalisation. I am also daydreaming a lot into the world I created for myself in my head, to escape to.

There are periods of time I am not present.  Like 20-30 minutes. Sometimes longer.

I am trying to be present, focus on my children, my photography. But, there are periods of time each day, I am not present.

I realise I should see another therapist. But, I cannot afford one and I would never trust another therapist again now. There is no way I am going to explain my entire trauma history with another stranger, and hope they don’t do anything that causes more trauma. I cannot take that chance again.

Bottom line, I don’t trust my capacity to not ignore red flags in people’s behaviour. Over the last 5 years I saw many red flags and issues – and I tolerated them. Because I desperately needed someone to trust. Someone to have my interests at heart. Just one person. And that was not the situation I was in….. and I tolerated what I should never have tolerated.

Desperation, can affect a person who deeply needs a trustworthy person. Someone who has never known safety in another person.

I don’t think it is too much to ask for in life – just one person who genuinely wants the best for me. Someone I can trust to care about me. Or, maybe it is too much to ask. Maybe they were all right, and I never deserved it.

Maybe I got what I deserved. I hear my mothers words in my head now, how I am trouble, have caused her such grief, ruined her life, don’t deserve anything good, nothing but a drama queen. And her face – along with everyone else’s faces – flashing through my mind.

And even writing this now, I can feel the dissociation setting in, as I write about emotions I cannot cope with.

Dissociation – the only thing that ‘can’ be relied upon to help, when things get bad.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

3 thoughts on “Dissociation – my long time friend ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

  1. No it is not too much to ask for to have someone to trust and someone who is caring for you, but it is so hard to find that specific person who we can fully trust, and wants our best interest at heart.
    And you didn’t deserve everything that happened to you, no one deserves the pain and trauma regardless of age, and I understand you are going through a very difficult time…just know you’re not alone.

  2. I want the best for you. If life is a garden then it takes people like us a long time to pull the narc and abusive weeds. Oh but the joy and bliss when they are gone! You can email me if you like and I will email back. I think we are in the same town and we could do coffee. Just a thought. X

  3. I don’t know if it matters much but I understand every single thing you’re saying. This…

    “Desperation, can affect a person who deeply needs a trustworthy person. Someone who has never known safety in another person.”

    …is something I have been realizing and wrestling with for a few weeks now (or maybe months, I haven’t kept track). I don’t know how much trauma I’ve experienced, can’t name it all, except knowing that it’s been my whole 40yr old life. I was told it was normal or not as big a deal as I was making it out to be, and I believed it for never knowing anything else… but my soul knew the difference. Now it’s become this impossible thing I don’t even know well enough to speak about clearly and anytime up have tried doing that, those I’ve spoken too have eventually used my confessions, and my fears and dreams it to hurt me.

    I can’t handle people like that so I clear them out if the life, and here I am, alone… fulfilling everything I was ever told (in actions even more than in words) which, summed up, was you are nothing and no one wants you.

    Well, I am not “nothing” and I want me… AND, what’s, I COUNT when it comes to deciding that. Still it’s a tough, lonely, way of life.

    I have read many of your posts over the last several weeks, not because I’m following you but because I keep getting led to you through Google searches and Facebook groups. They’ve mattered to me, a lot. I hate that you had a life that made it possible for you to speak on these things from experience, and I hate this latest abuse through your therapist. I wish you didn’t have to deal with the dissociation and and the fog it produces would disappear but because of it you wrote this post, and I needed it. I am so sorry for the life you’ve lived which it takes to know these things but thank you for doing this to help others, thanks for helping me.

    Maybe we need to find others like us in order to trust them enough so that we can share ourselves and continue to heal.

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