The end of a therapeutic relationship, that has ended really badly, is trauma. It creates fear, panic, pain, sadness, hurt, rejection, abandonment and the whole grieving cycle.
Grieving itself, is traumatic. And I don’t minimize that anymore.
I am aware, that to lose what I believed to be the only person in my life I thought I could rely on, I thought cared about my wellbeing….. is trauma.
It also triggers many times and emotions from the past, where I have been through this.
It’s painful to be harmed by people who are meant to care. And this is the story of my life. From as far back as I ever remember.
Every person of significance in my life, has harmed me in some way.
Every significant person, has had selfish intent and a motivation that was not in my interests, or for my wellbeing.
Every significant person – has not cared or loved me in the way they should.
It is isn’t wrong to believe you should be able to trust and rely on your parents, your siblings, your husbands, your minister, your therapist.
It is ‘normal’ to believe these people were meant to care.
Yet, none did.
And according to my ex therapist – I ‘wanted’ all this trauma. I ‘wanted’ all this abuse. According to her I ‘was seduced by trauma’ all along. ‘Seduced by trauma’ – meaning I wanted it, sought it and enjoyed it.
Those victim blaming, victim shaming words, are now burned into my soul. Continue reading