The end of a therapeutic relationship, that has ended really badly, is trauma. It creates fear, panic, pain, sadness, hurt, rejection, abandonment and the whole grieving cycle.
Grieving itself, is traumatic. And I don’t minimize that anymore.
I am aware, that to lose what I believed to be the only person in my life I thought I could rely on, I thought cared about my wellbeing….. is trauma.
It also triggers many times and emotions from the past, where I have been through this.
It’s painful to be harmed by people who are meant to care. And this is the story of my life. From as far back as I ever remember.
Every person of significance in my life, has harmed me in some way.
Every significant person, has had selfish intent and a motivation that was not in my interests, or for my wellbeing.
Every significant person – has not cared or loved me in the way they should.
It is isn’t wrong to believe you should be able to trust and rely on your parents, your siblings, your husbands, your minister, your therapist.
It is ‘normal’ to believe these people were meant to care.
Yet, none did.
And according to my ex therapist – I ‘wanted’ all this trauma. I ‘wanted’ all this abuse. According to her I ‘was seduced by trauma’ all along. ‘Seduced by trauma’ – meaning I wanted it, sought it and enjoyed it.
Those victim blaming, victim shaming words, are now burned into my soul.
Just as all the other abusive words I have heard, have been.
It feels like all I have in my soul now, is scarring. From all the abuse. And some of these wounds in my soul, are still bleeding.
And all these people have collectively done, is murder my soul. They have emotionally, psychologically and mentally murdered my soul.
And they have no shame, no remorse, no guilt, no conscience, no empathy. Just attitudes that completely remove any need for them to deal with the truth of what they are and what they have done.
I will be grieving this for as long as it takes.
I feel like I have been grieving all my life in some way. With that grieving increasing considerably over the last 5 years.
I do wonder if I will ever get past this grieving.
And I know the only way to ensure I don’t encounter anymore harm, and avoid anymore grieving, is to never allow myself to be vulnerable around anyone.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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