Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Grieving more trauma. Feels like it will never end.




The end of a therapeutic relationship, that has ended really badly, is trauma. It creates fear, panic, pain, sadness, hurt, rejection, abandonment and the whole grieving cycle.

Grieving itself, is traumatic. And I don’t minimize that anymore.

I am aware, that to lose what I believed to be the only person in my life I thought I could rely on, I thought cared about my wellbeing….. is trauma.

It also triggers many times and emotions from the past, where I have been through this.

It’s painful to be harmed by people who are meant to care. And this is the story of my life. From as far back as I ever remember.

Every person of significance in my life, has harmed me in some way.

Every significant person, has had selfish intent and a motivation that was not in my interests, or for my wellbeing.

Every significant person – has not cared or loved me in the way they should.

It is isn’t wrong to believe you should be able to trust and rely on your parents, your siblings, your husbands, your minister, your therapist.

It is ‘normal’ to believe these people were meant to care.

Yet, none did.

And according to my ex therapist – I ‘wanted’ all this trauma. I ‘wanted’ all this abuse. According to her I ‘was seduced by trauma’ all along. ‘Seduced by trauma’ – meaning I wanted it, sought it and enjoyed it.

Those victim blaming, victim shaming words, are now burned into my soul.

Just as all the other abusive words I have heard, have been.

It feels like all I have in my soul now, is scarring. From all the abuse. And some of these wounds in my soul, are still bleeding.

And all these people have collectively done, is murder my soul. They have emotionally, psychologically and mentally murdered my soul.

And they have no shame, no remorse, no guilt, no conscience, no empathy. Just attitudes that completely remove any need for them to deal with the truth of what they are and what they have done.

I will be grieving this for as long as it takes.

I feel like I have been grieving all my life in some way. With that grieving increasing considerably over the last 5 years.

I do wonder if I will ever get past this grieving.

And I know the only way to ensure I don’t encounter anymore harm, and avoid anymore grieving, is to never allow myself to be vulnerable around anyone.

Ever again.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

8 thoughts on “Grieving more trauma. Feels like it will never end.

  1. I’m so sorry you’ve had such a negative therapeutic experience. It is totally re-traumatising. Trust is incredibly difficult to build and each time it is broken it adds another layer to the hurt. There are decent therapists out there, I’m fortunate to have one. When you feel able to, use your discernment to keep looking for help and I hope you will find what you have every right to-understanding and support without judgement.

  2. You are so strong. You are a MIRACLE. In your deepest agony you still are helping others. Your compassion and empathy are who you are, you are beautiful, precious, and lovable. THANK you for being you. You have two sons who are very lucky to have you for a mother. You have your photography and your love for gardening – so much to be grateful for. ❤

    • Lilly, in the comment posted by Irene Steiner she has beautifully described you and what you mean to us!!

      We’re here for you always!!

  3. My dearest Lilly, I am so sorry you have been let down time and time again. I cant believe your ex-therapist said that to you! It is utterly ridiculous to hear the words “You were seduced by trauma”..You were groomed from a young age by very sick people..You never deserved nor wanted the trauma.My heart goes out to you and I send you many hugs. I will never know the depth of your suffering as I never experienced sexual abuse but from someone who also knows how tough the recovery journey is, I wish you well.💗

  4. Lilly, in the comment posted by Irene Steiner she has beautifully described you and what you mean to us!!

    We’re here for you always!!

  5. Lilly, I am so sorry you’re going through so much. This sounds incredibly retraumatizing and retriggering. Hugs my friend ❤ ❤ There are far too many invalidating and victim-blaming people in this world, your readers are lucky to have your voice, a voice that steers them away from self-blame and gently guides them towards self-compassion.

  6. Thank you everyone – I truly appreciate your kindness and messages. You are all so thoughtful and I am so grateful.

    Lilly ❤ ❤

  7. How dare they say stuff like that? My first therapist was clueless. One time when my son was a baby and I had a bad infection and couldnt work for 5 weeks she actually said ” why do you live your life like you are in the great depression?” Ummm…because I cant work temporarily and I have no one to help me???. This person never had a hungry day in their life and abuse was something she read about. PS. After we got rid of all the narcs, we became comparitivly prosperous and my son loves me. Hang in there dear Lily, you are a big help to me and many othets. ❤

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