I am acting my arse off at the moment. I am forcing myself every day to get up, put a smile on my face, focus on my children’s needs and the joy they deserve and making sure they are happy, joyful and having fun.
My 7 year old still believes in Santa. And I know this will probably be the last year he does, because other kids in school have told him Santa isn’t real.
So, I’m making the most of this special time for him, of the magic of Santa and how lovely that is for him.
I’m doing everything a loving, happy mother should be doing.
It’s forced and I truly do not feel any joy within me, accept for moments of seeing my children happy. Those moments where I feel their happiness – does bring me fleeting moments of joy.
The sadness I feel within, means those moments are fleeting. Then I am back to acting and pretending I am happy. I wait until they are in bed, and then allow myself to feel the suppressed pain, sadness and grieving – that consumes me every day.
But, my children are worth the acting. They are worth all the effort. I love my children dearly and will do everything I can to ensure they have a good childhood. To ensure they have a mother who puts their needs as the priority and focusses on that.
And they are happy, secure, content, cherished, loved and safe.
That is all that matters.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD 
December 25, 2016 at 5:51 pm
When you can’t find joy for yourself, try to create joy for others. Then you’ll find that joy for yourself. 🙂
December 26, 2016 at 1:10 am
I deeply admire your strength and your dedication to your kids. You are an amazing person and very inspiring.