Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Terminal aloneness, my constant companion

11 Comments

I have to accept the fact, that I am alone. In terms of people actually in my life, I am completely alone.

I no longer have a relationship with God. My therapy has ended. My husband is completely self absorbed and only cares about himself. My children are children and I treat them as such.

I have friends, but I don’t talk about any of my trauma related stuff. They are superficial relationships. In terms of being connected in any genuine, deep way…. I have no-one. I have no-one who cares about my wellbeing, my healing, my soul.

And I know now, it will never change. I’ve tried and failed. I have to accept I will only have superficial relationships. I will never have what I have always longed for.

The terminal aloneness I feel, is overwhelmingly painful. It makes me have to zone out to cope.

To feel so alone, even when surrounded by people….. is not something anyone should have to endure.

robin-williams

Robin Williams understood this.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle.

11 thoughts on “Terminal aloneness, my constant companion

  1. I feel the same way Lily and I know how deeply it hurts and it makes the holidays horrific for me asI am reminded that I have no one.

  2. Thank you Lilly for finding the incredible strength to share your deep feelings of being alone.
    I care enough to plant the seed that you deserve to find yourself a good psychologist. If your husband can afford therapy then so can you. Nobody can carry such a big burden alone.
    Love yourself enough to give yourself this gift.
    ❤ ❤ ❤

    • I really wish I could afford to see a trauma informed psychologist, but I can’t. We are on a low income.
      I might be able to ask my regular GP is I can be given the 10 free sessions you can have here in Australia. But, I know 10 won’t be enough and sometimes it can be worse to have 10 sessions, and then nothing.
      I’m considering finding out if I can find a psychiatrist who would be willing to bulk bill my appointments, as that is another option but a difficult one to access.
      Thank you for all your kindness and thoughtful messages – I do truly appreciate them.
      Lilly ❤ ❤

  3. I think I realized at a very young age, around 9 or 10, that I was on the outside looking in because of sexual abuse and other abuse.

    Even at such a young age I somehow understood that I always would be.

    Doesn’t make it hurt any less or make me long for connection and validation occasionally.

    But I see now that it will never happen for me and when I do experience connection or validation it lasts only moments and I know not to expect anything more.

  4. “Terminal aloneness” wow that is a profound statement that i do understand

    • It is a good description of how terribly and painfully alone we can feel. It is something I have felt all my life, since childhood. Even when things are going okay, the aloneness is still just under the surface.
      I think for people who have actually had no-one physically in their life to care, it is terribly painful to endure.
      I have to have hope that it will change in the future.
      I hope some of this is grieving – because I have so much to grieve.
      I think the Complex PTSD makes it worse, because we are also triggered by the aloneness we felt in the past.
      So, it’s like a double whammy of emotional pain.
      I understand anyone who feels this way.
      I wish this is something no-one ever had to endure.
      Lilly ❤ ❤

      • Me too. I wish no one had to endure it. But loneliness is a huge component because so many of us went through it all alone. We had no support, no validation, no help carrying the weight. Just loneliness. It is underlying. I have told my husband many times I may as well be an alien from another world because I feel like I am walking around most days and NO ONE can understand me, where I am, what I am feeling, the impact that abuse left me with, and how alone I feel in it all. I truly understand what you are going through. I also hope that it lessens, passes some, lightens. I also have so much to grieve and I have learned grieving is a LONG process. I just keep hoping that a each layer sheds I am closer to feeling not as alone.

  5. Hugs ❤ ❤ <3. This is a deeply painful feeling with which I can identify as well and I know many other survivors who can resonate. I am so sorry you're going through such a hard time Lilly! You don't deserve any of this pain. I wish there was some way I could help. Sending you many virtual hugs from afar. Hang in there…you are worth it!!

  6. AWW, I’m so sad for you, I could just fly to Australia and give you a hug. I know those feelings. I wish I could be your mother. God is there, waiting and eager to help you. He says: I will never leave you nor forsake you. Pick up the Bible and start reading some Psalms, they are helpful. He is alive and well, I had a verse on my heart and low and behold, Franklin Grahams devotion that very day was the same one. It was Psalm 1. God wanted to to see that and so I know he lives. We have a hard journey, but out of this healing is going to come more strength. I was chosen to suffer, it hurts and today for me is an understanding day. God Bless you Lilly and everyone else suffering as well. Love to you all.

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