I need to find a job and somewhere for myself and my boys to live

December 29, 2016 by Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD 3 Comments

My marriage issues have been worsening over the last few months, and todays argument has finally made me realise, I need to get away from him. I need to do this for my wellbeing, which ultimately is for my children’s wellbeing.

I can’t live in this toxic environment any longer. The depths of his callous, selfish issues, are beyond my capacity to cope with any longer. He has indicated he either wants me to tolerate his lying, manipulative, selfish ways, and stop talking about it – or wants our marriage over. And he has admitted he never intends changing. So this is his decision to break up our family, rather than do what’s necessary to be a decent human being and keep our family together. And he’s walked away from a family in the past, and is doing it again.

I do know he is not capable of change. He is a narcissist and has psychopath traits – of no empathy, no conscience, no shame, no remorse, no regard for another suffering and no willingness to change. He is a compulsive liar, only ever does anything from a place of his own needs. He is a cheater, a liar and selfish to the core. He duped me into believing he was someone completely different at the beginning of our relationship – as narcissists always do. He lied from day one. He intentionally failed to tell me all the disgusting things he’s done, all the adultery in his first marriage. He pretended to be a really good person, and it was all lies and an act. And…. when I found out from others about all his disgusting behaviours, he acted like ‘he’ was the one being treated badly. He sulked, had tantrums, and didn’t once stop to consider how I felt. In fact, he made me feel like ‘I’ was the problem – for finding out off others – who is really is.

He has never considered how I feel. What I need. My past. They were never a consideration to him…… because that wasn’t about him. And ‘he’ and his needs, are all he thinks about.

He is a classic narcissist, with psychopath traits.

Now, it’s come to a head, because I am unwilling to tolerate it. Unwilling to reward his narcissism. And unwilling to ignore it.

So, we are splitting up, and I will have to find a job and somewhere to live. Which is going to be very hard, because jobs are hard to find, I have no references, and I haven’t worked for the last 4 years.

I am so beyond stressed, I am completely zoned out.

Dissociation has completely taken over.

God knows where we will end up living, especially if I cannot find a job.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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