Recent events and weeks, have led to a very clear understanding of how alone I am. In terms of people physically in my life.
This aloneness, can and has caused me such fear and panic, and it leads to a downward spiral of my thoughts and mood. I have accepted this is part of having Complex PTSD and that there are very valid and severe reasons for this. No-one would come through as much trauma and abuse, without some serious consequences.
But, when I reflect on my life…. all I have survived….. the decent, empathic, caring person I am…… how I don’t wish ill on anyone….. how I am a good mother……. I know I have done pretty well at taking care of myself.
So whilst I know I am very alone, I also hold onto hope for the future, along with growing and new connections, that help alleviate the intense aloneness.
I watched a video on Facebook today, of an adult being adopted by a family. The happiness and joy made me smile. I felt so thankful this person had a family who cared about him so much, they adopted him. As an adult. I love these stories, because I know the emotions involved in feeling so abandoned and unloved. To see the joy and love, was breathtakingly beautiful.
And whilst this story was so beautiful, I also realise this won’t happen for me, and it doesn’t happen for most people who are in similar situations to myself. Which is terribly sad.
But, I also know I have been alone all my life, and I’ve survived it. And really well. So, I know I will survive anything I am currently enduring, or will endure.
It does take away the fear factor, when I remind myself – that I’ve always survived, and now I do have an online community of survivors, mental health professionals and people who have empathy. People who know the pain and understand the deep life impacting issues such prolonged and severe trauma cause.
And I have my children, who I love dearly. And they love me.
I do have more now, than I ever had as a child, or in my 20’s. It may not be the family I always desperately wanted, or a partner who cares about me in any genuine way. I don’t currently have professional support. But, I do have love in my life and I do have myself. And I do have people I can reach out to – who do understand and have empathy.
I also don’t rule out anything the future may bring. I don’t hold onto any desperate fantasy of finding a family, but a more realistic hope for connections with decent people and hope of friendships I am building slowly.
I’ve decided 2017, needs to be a year of hope. Emotions and grieving too….. but with a gentle hope of my situation getting better.
Hope is something I do lose at times. It gets lost in the pain, fear, panic and deep sense of terminal aloneness – I know many complex trauma survivors feel.
But, hope in a rational, gentle way…….. I have.
And it’s enough.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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