I am continuing concentrating on my offline life – my children – who I am having such quality time with and my growing friendships.
My children are having a great school holidays and we have visited the beaches, the zoo, parks and we play lots of games together. They are happy kids who know they have a mother who loves and cherishes them, and they feel safe and secure with me. They know I have their best interests at heart and I love them dearly. That means everything to me.
I am also developing some nice friendships with some mothers I know via our children’s school, and my ladies group continues to flourish and friendships are growing. They may be superficial relationships, but they are pleasant.
I don’t intend ever talking about my work here, or my trauma history – with any friends. I have learned nothing good ever comes from being upfront and honest about it. No-one who knows about any of that – has dealt with it appropriately. I’ve either been victim blamed/shamed, shunned, or people have reacted badly to it. Or used it against me.
Pretty much everyone who has failed to deal with knowing about my trauma history appropriately – has ruined any hope I had left, that I would ever have support and people who care about what I have been through. And that includes my ex counsellor, previous ‘friends’, my current husband.
I accept no-one cares about any of my trauma history, or how much I have suffered. Or what I need to help heal all that.
So, now I intend never speaking about any of it, to anyone. It’s completely off limits now.
I will simply say exactly what I used to say during my 20’s and 30’s – “I had a bad childhood”. That’s it. No-one ever cared enough to ask me if I wanted to talk about it. No-one ever gave it any thought – even all the people in my life knew enough to know I’d been severely abused.
I know there will always be a part of my heart and soul that will never heal. Because I do know and understand you need people who genuinely care about your trauma and suffering. Who genuinely want you to heal. I know complex trauma is only healed within the safety and love of genuine relationships, with trustworthy people.
But, I accept I don’t have that and never did.
So, I am concentrating on the other areas of my life, including my children and friends, and trying to make the most of that.
And I have my photography as an ongoing focus in my life. Every day I take photos and spend time learning the processing and editing.
This is my focus in 2017.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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