Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

That moment when you desperately want to talk to your former counsellor, but can’t ~ Lilly Hope Lucario


My former counsellor was there through all the abuse I endured from the Baptist cult. She even confirmed in writing that I was spiritually abused – for the formal investigation. Not that it made any difference, the investigation was totally corrupt. As a lot of ‘church’ in-house investigations are.

I just went through a hugely triggering situation. Someone posted the business page of the best friend of the pastor who abused me….. onto my personal Facebook account. Which sent my PTSD mind into a complete panic. It’s when things like this happen you know you still very much have PTSD.

The triggers, the anxiety, the panic, the fear, the thoughts, the emotions, the invasive memories.

PTSD sucks. It really does.

In this state of panic and fear, I immediately wanted to talk to my counsellor. She was my ‘support’ over the last 5 years. She would probably minimize the situation and not really care how distressing this was for me, but she was all I had to talk to when all the church abuse and investigation were going on. And all I had over the years since then.

It’s really sad, when I reflect about all her minimizing about that cult abuse. She never validated how horrible that all was.

It interesting reflecting on how little empathy she had, how she minimized a lot of things – unless I pushed her to confront how bad something is.

I can’t make up my mind whether she is just so desensitised about abuse and heinous abusers………. or truly lacks empathy……… plus only has completely self serving views to do her job………. or whether it is a combination of all of them.

Plus, it’s bizarre reflecting on how my counsellor did confirm I was abused, and wrote out all the narcissistic behaviours she had witnessed herself from the pastor and his wife………. yet still didn’t validate the harm it caused. She mostly dismissed it.

Maybe she is desensitised about church abusers too. In her work she will have come across many. She’s a Christian counsellor.

No doubt downplaying the effect of church abusers, makes sitting with them and being nice to them, easier too. Just like when she has to sit with paedophiles and psychopaths and be nice to them. It’s easier to be nice to evil, when you desensitise yourself to the evil they are and evil they do.

It’s really sad, that when something horrible, triggering and distressing occurs – I have no-one to turn to.

No-one to talk to.

And to reflect how little actual genuine support I have had over the last 5 years.

It’s really sad.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

8 thoughts on “That moment when you desperately want to talk to your former counsellor, but can’t ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

  1. Lilly, you do need a psychologist who is familiar with CPTSD and who does not minimize what you have endured. You are a smart lady you will find the right one for you. ❤

  2. Your pain is real and what you experienced was real. Im sorry you had a counselor that was dismissive of your pain. I had a counselor 3 years ago that ran her business like a cult. She had a support group where she managed all the relationships and was the head guru. I saw her 4 times a week for 2 years through my sessions, my children’s sessions and the group. She never acknowledged my pain, depression, panic attacks but instead had me taking care of her other suicidal clients. There was spiritual abuse and verbal abuse I endured. I guess I am just saying I feel your pain, I understand it and I see and hear you. Sorry you are still reminded of what you went through.

    • Thank you – I really appreciate your message.
      I am so sorry you have endured harmful counselling.
      Sadly, this goes on far more than many realise.
      I have had countless people tell me the harmful effects of the therapy they have endured.
      It seems far to many counsellors have their own agendas and their own needs and those are their priority.
      And no real genuine concern for their clients.
      Which is narcissism at work.
      Lilly ❤

  3. Lilly I hear you and feel very in line with hte description you are giving of therapists work ..

    wondered if we could exchange emalis as I’m passionate about sharing the intricacies and support systems for cptsd .. and am concerned that inadvertently or not certain therapists are of no or little help to the chronic and individual complexities if cpstd ..

    so insane was I for so long .. years and years that in the end I spent five years training to be a counsellor because in my humble opinion therapy often made things worse not better .. if you get me Lilly ?

  4. It’s been my experience that whenever someone is invested–whether it’s by career, social connections, relatives or whatever, they will only see what they want to see. The mind has some way of making excuses for horrible behavior when one is invested. I am not sure how your counselor was invested, but it seems she was in some way.

    In a church setting and especially in a cult setting, people choose blindness over kindness. You are the lucky one who woke up and saw them all for what they are and realized the truth. I am sorry for your pain and PTSD, but bravo for recognizing this abuse and walking away from it. And for educating others.

    Only when those of us who stand up to tell the truth take a stand, does anything ever change. YOu might not change your counselor or the abuser, but you are changing people’s lives through your blog and that is something grand!

    • Thank you, I really appreciate your very thoughtful message.
      I agree with you, people choose blindness over kindness – especially when that serves themselves.
      I am someone who cannot turn a blind eye to abuse and I am also someone who can spot harmful behaviours, abusive behaviours and attitudes that harm people – and I cannot ever be okay with that.
      It’s interesting that my former counsellor talked about my discernment and insight, yet will not consider my insights about her.
      She chooses blindness, selective empathy and self serving beliefs and there is nothing I can do about that.
      I’ve always stepped and apologised – without any prompting – when I have done or said anything wrong……… yet whenever anyone else has done wrong to me – they refuse to apologise for it, refuse to see the harm they have caused, and refused to have empathy, remorse, a conscience.
      I have come to understand – the truth is something everyone says they want – but is too bitter a pill to swallow.
      That applies to the majority of society.
      Lilly ❤ ❤