My former counsellor was there through all the abuse I endured from the Baptist cult. She even confirmed in writing that I was spiritually abused – for the formal investigation. Not that it made any difference, the investigation was totally corrupt. As a lot of ‘church’ in-house investigations are.
I just went through a hugely triggering situation. Someone posted the business page of the best friend of the pastor who abused me….. onto my personal Facebook account. Which sent my PTSD mind into a complete panic. It’s when things like this happen you know you still very much have PTSD.
The triggers, the anxiety, the panic, the fear, the thoughts, the emotions, the invasive memories.
PTSD sucks. It really does.
In this state of panic and fear, I immediately wanted to talk to my counsellor. She was my ‘support’ over the last 5 years. She would probably minimize the situation and not really care how distressing this was for me, but she was all I had to talk to when all the church abuse and investigation were going on. And all I had over the years since then.
It’s really sad, when I reflect about all her minimizing about that cult abuse. She never validated how horrible that all was.
It interesting reflecting on how little empathy she had, how she minimized a lot of things – unless I pushed her to confront how bad something is.
I can’t make up my mind whether she is just so desensitised about abuse and heinous abusers………. or truly lacks empathy……… plus only has completely self serving views to do her job………. or whether it is a combination of all of them.
Plus, it’s bizarre reflecting on how my counsellor did confirm I was abused, and wrote out all the narcissistic behaviours she had witnessed herself from the pastor and his wife………. yet still didn’t validate the harm it caused. She mostly dismissed it.
Maybe she is desensitised about church abusers too. In her work she will have come across many. She’s a Christian counsellor.
No doubt downplaying the effect of church abusers, makes sitting with them and being nice to them, easier too. Just like when she has to sit with paedophiles and psychopaths and be nice to them. It’s easier to be nice to evil, when you desensitise yourself to the evil they are and evil they do.
It’s really sad, that when something horrible, triggering and distressing occurs – I have no-one to turn to.
No-one to talk to.
And to reflect how little actual genuine support I have had over the last 5 years.
It’s really sad.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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