I am very upfront about all I am going through in my journey, and I have made no secret of the confusion and pain I feel about my faith.
I don’t understand how God can let so much suffering go on, and call that love. It feels like abuse and I am someone who cannot tolerate abuse – and call it love. And that is actually healthy for me. Knowing abuse of any kind is not love…. has been a part of my healing.
I do understand God is beyond my human understanding and that is something that keeps coming into my mind. And no matter how much I try to suppress any thoughts about God and Jesus – I can’t keep them suppressed. I can’t avoid them. I can’t dissociate from them. And I have tried really fucking hard.
I just have this nagging awareness of Jesus that I can’t ignore any longer.
I’m not saying my faith in God is now good and my understanding of why God chooses to create a world where He knew so much suffering would go on – and for so long, I am okay with. I’m not. I have no idea or understanding of why God would create this shitty fucking world with so much suffering.
So for now, I am just going to sit with this awareness I have of Jesus in my life……….. and that nagging feeling that He is not giving up on me, even though I have given up on Him.
I also think that if God is this all loving perfect God – then He should understand my confusion and my deep desire for there to be no suffering, no abuse, no pain, no evil. And when I reflect on the garden of Eden, I do know that is what God wants for us.
I want the garden of Eden for everyone. Not the garden of evil this world has turned into – and is increasingly so – with all the increasing abuse, narcissism, selfishness, and toxicity in the world – I see so clearly occurring.
I can only hope God has some bigger plan and reason than I can capable of knowing. I actually really want that to be the situation – because I cannot cope with thinking all this abuse and evil and suffering – is part of His plan.
I can only hope God hates all this suffering, as much as I do. More than I do. Much more.
I had a dream about the garden of Eden recently. It was a beautiful, serene, peaceful place. Some might say this dream is from God – to remind me of what’s to come. I’m not saying it is, because I don’t know. And I don’t have those grandiose needs to think God would choose to give me certain dreams. Why I had this dream – I don’t know. I have not been praying to God, and we are supposed to pray to God – to ask for what we want.
Does God choose to help us, even when we have turned our backs on Him? Who knows?
Again, if God is bigger and far more complex than our human understanding of Him -how can we know what He chooses to do?
I realise reading back this post – which is confusing and disjointed – that it very much reflects where I am at with this. Confused.
My thoughts when confused – look like this. A jumbled mess. With my thoughts and emotions racing around – and there are many – all conflicting with each other.
But, it’s all I am capable of right now. And even typing this sentence – the thoughts of the mustard seed come into my mind. Is this Jesus or God helping me. Is this God saying it’s okay to be confused? Just keep that flicker of hope in Him? Continue reading
I have a situation going on – where the inner child in me, is devastated.
Desperately wanting to reach out to someone I cared about, and knowing I can’t.
Someone I thought cared about me. But, now I know – didn’t.
I have abandonment depression (as so insightfully described by Pete Walker) and I am aware how painful it is, and the valid reasons for it.
Every time I check my emails – I know there is a part of me – desperately wants to see an email from this person. Desperate for something…. anything. Any scrap of attention – even if it’s to be angry with me. And so sad every time I see there is nothing.
My inner child in me wants to reach out to this person ……… and the 45 year old woman in me – knows I can’t and knows I have to grieve – and that person is gone.
I wrote a poem a few years ago – that fits exactly how my inner child feels.
Poem – Inner Child’s Pain, Of Letting Go
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
My needy inner child
Desperately searches for
What she never had
Scared to her core
To face and know
You cannot be
What I need
For the child in me
Words I fear
You are in my heart Continue reading
Something I have learned in life, is toxic people are everywhere. And their flying monkeys are everywhere too.
Flying monkeys are people who support toxic people. They encourage and condone the toxic persons behaviour. They make excuses for toxic people. Or they ignore the toxic persons bad behaviours and choose to only see what they want to believe is good behaviour. (The ‘good’ behaviour still only being the toxic persons self serving behaviour, as they don’t do anything good – unless it is serving themselves in some way).
Flying monkeys can be family members, friends, church people, co-workers, therapists.
You would think therapists would know better, but they can indeed be flying monkeys when they have a self serving vested interest in condoning the toxic persons behaviour.
Throughout my life, I have seen so many toxic people being supported by flying monkeys.
Both of my husbands, have family who are flying monkeys. They choose to ignore the bad their adult children choose to inflict, and ‘only see the good’. Making excuses for the toxic behaviour and not making their adult children accountable for their bad behaviour. This following on from their poor parenting in the toxic persons childhood. I see clearly how poor parenting – has lead to the child becoming an adult narcissist.
I’ve seen flying monkeys within families, workplaces, groups of friends, churches, therapists rooms. It goes on everywhere.
I’ve seen it happen many times over social media. People who I discerned being toxic, have their flying monkeys who condone the toxic persons behaviour – as long as there is some self serving need being met. They will stay connected to the toxic person – for as long as the toxic person is promoting their work, books etc. Continue reading