I am very upfront about all I am going through in my journey, and I have made no secret of the confusion and pain I feel about my faith.
I don’t understand how God can let so much suffering go on, and call that love. It feels like abuse and I am someone who cannot tolerate abuse – and call it love. And that is actually healthy for me. Knowing abuse of any kind is not love…. has been a part of my healing.
I do understand God is beyond my human understanding and that is something that keeps coming into my mind. And no matter how much I try to suppress any thoughts about God and Jesus – I can’t keep them suppressed. I can’t avoid them. I can’t dissociate from them. And I have tried really fucking hard.
I just have this nagging awareness of Jesus that I can’t ignore any longer.
I’m not saying my faith in God is now good and my understanding of why God chooses to create a world where He knew so much suffering would go on – and for so long, I am okay with. I’m not. I have no idea or understanding of why God would create this shitty fucking world with so much suffering.
So for now, I am just going to sit with this awareness I have of Jesus in my life……….. and that nagging feeling that He is not giving up on me, even though I have given up on Him.
I also think that if God is this all loving perfect God – then He should understand my confusion and my deep desire for there to be no suffering, no abuse, no pain, no evil. And when I reflect on the garden of Eden, I do know that is what God wants for us.
I want the garden of Eden for everyone. Not the garden of evil this world has turned into – and is increasingly so – with all the increasing abuse, narcissism, selfishness, and toxicity in the world – I see so clearly occurring.
I can only hope God has some bigger plan and reason than I can capable of knowing. I actually really want that to be the situation – because I cannot cope with thinking all this abuse and evil and suffering – is part of His plan.
I can only hope God hates all this suffering, as much as I do. More than I do. Much more.
I had a dream about the garden of Eden recently. It was a beautiful, serene, peaceful place. Some might say this dream is from God – to remind me of what’s to come. I’m not saying it is, because I don’t know. And I don’t have those grandiose needs to think God would choose to give me certain dreams. Why I had this dream – I don’t know. I have not been praying to God, and we are supposed to pray to God – to ask for what we want.
Does God choose to help us, even when we have turned our backs on Him? Who knows?
Again, if God is bigger and far more complex than our human understanding of Him -how can we know what He chooses to do?
I realise reading back this post – which is confusing and disjointed – that it very much reflects where I am at with this. Confused.
My thoughts when confused – look like this. A jumbled mess. With my thoughts and emotions racing around – and there are many – all conflicting with each other.
But, it’s all I am capable of right now. And even typing this sentence – the thoughts of the mustard seed come into my mind. Is this Jesus or God helping me. Is this God saying it’s okay to be confused? Just keep that flicker of hope in Him? Or is this just what I think I deep down should be thinking?
I have no idea and I admit to complete and utter confusion. But, with the awareness, this faith, God, Jesus ‘stuff’ ……… is not going away.
Maybe with all this crap going on with my former counsellor, my husband, all these toxic people online doing shitty toxic things (that were nothing to do with me – but I am aware of) – God is trying to tell me He has not abandoned me, even though others have. And that He is good, even when people are not. Maybe He wants to me know – He is trustworthy, even when I have not a single person in my life I can trust?
Maybe is the midst of all this ongoing human crap and bullshit …… He is using it for some good? To draw me to Him?
I’m completely…… confused.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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