Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Sixteen Years Of My Life Wasted In This ‘Marriage’

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My narcissist husband has finally admitted, he never had any thoughts about my needs during our entire marriage.

I had a conversation with him earlier on how any relationship needs trust, honesty, caring about the other persons needs and knowing that person has your back. And how there has been absolutely none of this from him, in the 16 years I have been with him.

He’s never had my back, he is a compulsive and pathological liar, is 100% narcissistic, only ever cares about his own needs, is manipulative, devious and does whatever he wants to do…… with absolutely no concern or thought for the other person he is harming.

He has finally admitted this is all correct.

And he couldn’t say this wasn’t true – because I have so many examples confirming all this, and he has absolutely no examples to show to the contrary.

His latest devious, manipulative, lying behaviour – is the last straw that has broken this camels back.

I literally have been a camel – carrying all his shit on my shoulders – trying to help him, asking my counsellor to see him, spoon feeding him all the ways he should act, react and behave. I’ve spent many, many hours thinking about his childhood, the poor parenting from his parents, the reasons why he is who he is. And he confirmed everything I have discerned about his life, is correct.

And he’s literally thrown all that effort, concern and trying to help him – in my face, with an emotional middle finger to everything I have tried to do to help him.

And……whilst I have been dealing with all the trauma, pain and suffering I have been through in my life……… I still spent all that time and effort trying to help him. Trying to explain how his life would improve if he changed and stopped being so self absorbed and stopped lying etc…… I tried really hard. And yet he yet he has never spent any time or effort trying to think about what I need.

He’s finally admitted all this is true.

An admitted he will never change.

And I know he won’t. He never comes through with any change in behaviour – no matter whether he says he will.

He really is the epitome of ‘talk is cheap’.

I’ve wasted 16 years of my life with this narcissist. He lied to me about who he really is, all the affairs he had behind his ex-wife’s back, all the compulsive and pathological lying, making out he was a really nice person – as narcissists always do when they are grooming someone. He acted like he was a genuinely nice person and that his first marriage was over and that ‘all his wife’s fault’.

I wouldn’t even know about any of his affairs etc – had I not have found them out from other people – which was after we had our eldest son and I was already trapped. One affair including having sex with his own uncles wife. His aunt. That is a really sick thing to do. If other people hadn’t told me about all this, I would still not know now. And he’s admitted that’s true as well. He’s admitted he doesn’t tell me anything that makes him look bad, and only admits when forced to.

So, I am right to be  aware I only know a fraction of what he has actually done. And when he is found out – he has tantrums – his preferred narcissistic way of dealing with his own appalling behaviour.

I have never seen a single flicker of remorse for any of what he has done.

I have never had any apology for all the manipulating, lying, exploiting and emotional/psychological abuse he has inflicted.

I have never seen any shame, guilt or a flicker of conscience about any of his toxic behaviours.

He literally is like a robot when speaking about it. No emotions, no flicker of empathy – or even sympathy for how this has harmed and affected me. The only emotions he chooses to have, are for himself and his needs.

He truly does not care at all, and feels completely entitled to act how he wants, do what he wants, behave how he wants, to get what he wants……… with no empathy for anyone he harms along the way.

He didn’t like it when I described him as a shady, snake in the grass. He was pissed off at hearing that. He can have emotions for himself. But, absolutely nothing about how this marriage has harmed me, harmed my healing and is the opposite of what I need. He couldn’t care less how it’s harmed me.

He left one family in the past, including his daughter….. when someone ‘better’ came along’. Meaning me. He lied to me and told me his marriage was over. Told me his wife was awful. And how ‘hard done by’ he has been in his marriage. That was all lies.

And yes, I fell for it. And there is a part of me that hates myself for being manipulated and duped be him. But, I am aware he lied about everything – so I didn’t know what he really was. How could I know? I was just someone looking for a decent person. Someone who needed a decent person. Which was how he presented himself. He did all the usual narcissist ‘love bombing’ and acting like I was ‘the love of his life’. And it was all a huge lie. A big shady, devious, manipulative…act.

I’m aware he has no doubt has had affairs behind my back. I know one person where we previously lived – that I had my suspicions about. I do believe he has been unfaithful to me – because he feels no remorse about being unfaithful in his first marriage, or screwing his own aunt. Or any of his other vile behaviours. He has a completely entitled attitude.

And when someone has a narcissist mindset – and no conscience, and no empathy, and no shame…… they will do again. They have no reason to stop.

16 years – I have wasted being with this narcissist, who never cared at all about me in any way. All he ever cared about, was getting his shallow needs met. And he’s admitted that too.

I was completely used and abused, He did not, and does not care at all about me, in any way. Narcissists don’t ever love other people, because the only person they love and care about, are themselves.

You cannot have a good relationship, with a pathological and compulsive liar, who never cares about anyone else’s needs, who is selfish to the core, who doesn’t have your back at all, and is dishonest in every possible way. And has been all these things since childhood. His narcissism and behaviours – are nothing to do with me. He was this way, long before he met me.

I haven’t in fact, had a marriage. The reality is – I’ve only been co-habiting with someone – who is only in a relationship with himself.

16 years wasted. All due to his lies. Lies he told me from day one.

And I do have my two children, but they deserve better as a father – than someone who treats their mother this way. My children deserve to see a healthy marriage modelled.

And I despise my ‘husband’ for letting them down and caring about himself – far more than he has ever cared about any of his children.

I realise he has refused to change his behaviour for me, or our marriage….. but worse – is he has refused to change his behaviour for the sake of our children. Because he doesn’t love them either. If he did, he would know he is affecting them, and he would change. He would want them to see their dad as someone to respect, someone to trust, someone to admire and look up to. But, they don’t have that.

He can’t be bothered to change – even for them. So instead, they have a selfish, cowardly, dishonest, immature, self serving, compulsive lying narcissist for a father. And they deserve so much more than that.

I just hope I can model and teach them enough of how to be a decent person. I hope they will become good husbands, and good dads. And I will do all I can, to teach them everything they need to learn – to become that.

I despise my husband. He is nothing more to me now, than (sadly) the father of my children. I have no conversation with him, unless I need to – about the children, or about bills etc. I don’t speak to him anymore.

Fortunately for now, we can stay away from each other, as we have a highset house. He sleeps and stays downstairs, unless needing the kitchen. I stay and sleep upstairs.

The less I have to see him, or speak to him, the better.

He really is a nasty, toxic, shady, snake in the grass.

I wish I had known all I know now about narcissists – 16 years ago. Because if I did – I would have stayed the hell away from him, and I wouldn’t have touched him with a bargepole.

But, now I do know about narcissists and why they target people like me, and anyone who has a narcissistic mindset – I stay away from. I do know now – how to protect myself from them.

Just sadly, it 16 years too late.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

8 thoughts on “Sixteen Years Of My Life Wasted In This ‘Marriage’

  1. and if you do not divorce him you will wate more years.

    • You have a beautiful heart and soul. You deserve so much better than him. I’m glad he finally told you what you knew all along.

      Those precious boys have the best mom in the world and they know… deep inside they know you are love and he isn’t.

      I’m so sorry. Yet, you are now free…. actually free from him forever. Whether he lives there or not you are free because you know the truth and it really will set you free. ❤

  2. I am so sorry Lilly! And for your boys too! You are an a amazing mother, so I am sure they will grow up to be great, respectable men. ❤

    • I agree with the comment posted by “mychildwithin”!

      You’re a great mom and an amazing person.

      This blog has helped me to realize that I’ve spent the last 20 years trying to have a relationship with people who are narcissists.

      They are such experts at grooming and gaslighting that it’s extremely difficult to realize what they are doing to you.

      So while I do feel despair about the wasted 20 years, I feel tremendous relief that I now know it wasn’t me.

      It’s all them.

      I’m okay. I’m good enough.
      They are not.

  3. It’s never too late. Looks like you learnt your lesson; now get OUT.

  4. 22 years with a narcissist! Finally God removed the tyrant! Been by myself for 2 years now and the nightmares of his abuse have finally stoped. But my sensories still alert me when anyone reminds me just a little about him!

  5. I am in utter shock, amazement and yet very relieved. I fumbled upon your post has I was gathering info for a power point on PTSD. Trying to help my children & mother understand my responses and actions due to my extreme PTSD.
    The initial purpose of my presentation was for my common-law husband (16 years on 3-25-17)& father of my 3 children. We have had a very toxic relationship thru the years.
    I was diagnosed last May with PTSD after several minor breakdowns caused by his total disregard to our children and myself. The day before Mother’s day he left and did not come home for 3 days. When he returned like nothing all hell broke loose. He left again at 7 in the am I had just got off work and was getting the kids ready for school. At first I didn’t even realize he returned. Anyway we argued nasty things were said by both of us. The rotten sob left at 7 am walking down the street caring our 55 in smart flat screen we had purchased a month prior for our living room.
    He changed his number had no contact with our kids. No financial assistance what so ever. Knowing my job was not enough to cover all our bills. His family even threatened to call the cops because I took the kids to his cousin’s to see him. He was hiding and would not come out.
    The no contact went on for a month and a half. He has always weaseled his way back in. Bullshit lies and promises he has no intention of trying much less keeping.
    Now 7 months later he has the best job he has ever had. It’s in a different state then we live. After the holidays when he went back he has been ridiculous. He calls, I have full access to the $ but he constantly reminds me it’s his. I hardly speak he refused to talk about any home issues only himself all the thanks & props he should be getting for supporting his kids. He has become quite the gambler at least $100 a day on weekdays alone.
    Besides that I have other shit going on at home causing me a ridiculous amount of stress. It always seems to be when he knows I am just about at my limit and ready to go into a full blown attack he goes out of his way to INTENTIALLY cause me more anguish.
    Just before I stumbled upon your post I had just got done responding to a text of his.
    The explanation of your husband even the straw on the camel’s backOn my end it’s the straw that broke the camel’s back. example I wrote to my baby daddy.
    I’ve always struggled with wondering, thinking & trying to help him with his past his Mother is a horrible woman. I now especially after reading your post believe I am right and he is in fact a Narcassiss.

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