My narcissist husband has finally admitted, he never had any thoughts about my needs during our entire marriage.
I had a conversation with him earlier on how any relationship needs trust, honesty, caring about the other persons needs and knowing that person has your back. And how there has been absolutely none of this from him, in the 16 years I have been with him.
He’s never had my back, he is a compulsive and pathological liar, is 100% narcissistic, only ever cares about his own needs, is manipulative, devious and does whatever he wants to do…… with absolutely no concern or thought for the other person he is harming.
He has finally admitted this is all correct.
And he couldn’t say this wasn’t true – because I have so many examples confirming all this, and he has absolutely no examples to show to the contrary.
His latest devious, manipulative, lying behaviour – is the last straw that has broken this camels back.
I literally have been a camel – carrying all his shit on my shoulders – trying to help him, asking my counsellor to see him, spoon feeding him all the ways he should act, react and behave. I’ve spent many, many hours thinking about his childhood, the poor parenting from his parents, the reasons why he is who he is. And he confirmed everything I have discerned about his life, is correct.
And he’s literally thrown all that effort, concern and trying to help him – in my face, with an emotional middle finger to everything I have tried to do to help him.
And……whilst I have been dealing with all the trauma, pain and suffering I have been through in my life……… I still spent all that time and effort trying to help him. Trying to explain how his life would improve if he changed and stopped being so self absorbed and stopped lying etc…… I tried really hard. And yet he yet he has never spent any time or effort trying to think about what I need.
He’s finally admitted all this is true.
An admitted he will never change.
And I know he won’t. He never comes through with any change in behaviour – no matter whether he says he will.
He really is the epitome of ‘talk is cheap’.
I’ve wasted 16 years of my life with this narcissist. He lied to me about who he really is, all the affairs he had behind his ex-wife’s back, all the compulsive and pathological lying, making out he was a really nice person – as narcissists always do when they are grooming someone. He acted like he was a genuinely nice person and that his first marriage was over and that ‘all his wife’s fault’.
I wouldn’t even know about any of his affairs etc – had I not have found them out from other people – which was after we had our eldest son and I was already trapped. One affair including having sex with his own uncles wife. His aunt. That is a really sick thing to do. If other people hadn’t told me about all this, I would still not know now. And he’s admitted that’s true as well. He’s admitted he doesn’t tell me anything that makes him look bad, and only admits when forced to.
So, I am right to be aware I only know a fraction of what he has actually done. And when he is found out – he has tantrums – his preferred narcissistic way of dealing with his own appalling behaviour.
I have never seen a single flicker of remorse for any of what he has done.
I have never had any apology for all the manipulating, lying, exploiting and emotional/psychological abuse he has inflicted.
I have never seen any shame, guilt or a flicker of conscience about any of his toxic behaviours.
He literally is like a robot when speaking about it. No emotions, no flicker of empathy – or even sympathy for how this has harmed and affected me. The only emotions he chooses to have, are for himself and his needs.
He truly does not care at all, and feels completely entitled to act how he wants, do what he wants, behave how he wants, to get what he wants……… with no empathy for anyone he harms along the way.
He didn’t like it when I described him as a shady, snake in the grass. He was pissed off at hearing that. He can have emotions for himself. But, absolutely nothing about how this marriage has harmed me, harmed my healing and is the opposite of what I need. He couldn’t care less how it’s harmed me.
He left one family in the past, including his daughter….. when someone ‘better’ came along’. Meaning me. He lied to me and told me his marriage was over. Told me his wife was awful. And how ‘hard done by’ he has been in his marriage. That was all lies.
And yes, I fell for it. And there is a part of me that hates myself for being manipulated and duped be him. But, I am aware he lied about everything – so I didn’t know what he really was. How could I know? I was just someone looking for a decent person. Someone who needed a decent person. Which was how he presented himself. He did all the usual narcissist ‘love bombing’ and acting like I was ‘the love of his life’. And it was all a huge lie. A big shady, devious, manipulative…act.
I’m aware he has no doubt has had affairs behind my back. I know one person where we previously lived – that I had my suspicions about. I do believe he has been unfaithful to me – because he feels no remorse about being unfaithful in his first marriage, or screwing his own aunt. Or any of his other vile behaviours. He has a completely entitled attitude.
And when someone has a narcissist mindset – and no conscience, and no empathy, and no shame…… they will do again. They have no reason to stop.
16 years – I have wasted being with this narcissist, who never cared at all about me in any way. All he ever cared about, was getting his shallow needs met. And he’s admitted that too.
I was completely used and abused, He did not, and does not care at all about me, in any way. Narcissists don’t ever love other people, because the only person they love and care about, are themselves.
You cannot have a good relationship, with a pathological and compulsive liar, who never cares about anyone else’s needs, who is selfish to the core, who doesn’t have your back at all, and is dishonest in every possible way. And has been all these things since childhood. His narcissism and behaviours – are nothing to do with me. He was this way, long before he met me.
I haven’t in fact, had a marriage. The reality is – I’ve only been co-habiting with someone – who is only in a relationship with himself.
16 years wasted. All due to his lies. Lies he told me from day one.
And I do have my two children, but they deserve better as a father – than someone who treats their mother this way. My children deserve to see a healthy marriage modelled.
And I despise my ‘husband’ for letting them down and caring about himself – far more than he has ever cared about any of his children.
I realise he has refused to change his behaviour for me, or our marriage….. but worse – is he has refused to change his behaviour for the sake of our children. Because he doesn’t love them either. If he did, he would know he is affecting them, and he would change. He would want them to see their dad as someone to respect, someone to trust, someone to admire and look up to. But, they don’t have that.
He can’t be bothered to change – even for them. So instead, they have a selfish, cowardly, dishonest, immature, self serving, compulsive lying narcissist for a father. And they deserve so much more than that.
I just hope I can model and teach them enough of how to be a decent person. I hope they will become good husbands, and good dads. And I will do all I can, to teach them everything they need to learn – to become that.
I despise my husband. He is nothing more to me now, than (sadly) the father of my children. I have no conversation with him, unless I need to – about the children, or about bills etc. I don’t speak to him anymore.
Fortunately for now, we can stay away from each other, as we have a highset house. He sleeps and stays downstairs, unless needing the kitchen. I stay and sleep upstairs.
The less I have to see him, or speak to him, the better.
He really is a nasty, toxic, shady, snake in the grass.
I wish I had known all I know now about narcissists – 16 years ago. Because if I did – I would have stayed the hell away from him, and I wouldn’t have touched him with a bargepole.
But, now I do know about narcissists and why they target people like me, and anyone who has a narcissistic mindset – I stay away from. I do know now – how to protect myself from them.
Just sadly, it 16 years too late.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
All blogs written by Lilly Hope Lucario and subject to © Copyright Protected.
All rights reserved.
No part of any entry/blog, may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, screenshots, copying & pasting, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods.
This includes adaptations in all forms of media.