I’ve been watching a program, about people finding their long lost relatives. A middle aged woman, was reunited with her birth father, having never seen him. By his own admission – he was not a good person earlier in his life, but he had turned his life around, was married with 5 adult children. They were both so happy to find each other.
It was such a wonderful story and made me think about my real father.
When I was 25 – I wrote to my aunt who lives near my real father. They lived in a different country – across the other side of the world. (My mother moved with me when I was four. I emigrated back here 12 years ago). I asked my aunt if she knew who my real father was. She wrote back and said she did, but he was married for 35 years and didn’t want to be in contact with me. That was yet another rejection I have endured in my life.
My mother would never speak about him – other than to tell me some no doubt bullshit story about him rejecting her when she got pregnant. She failed to tell me he was a married man – if my aunt is to be believed.
My mother is such a liar – that I don’t believe her story about my father. And I don’t know that I can believe my aunt either. He may not even know I exist.
I will never know whether my birth father is a decent man or not, unless I contact him.
And I am so desperate for someone in my life to connect with, who may love me, that I am willing to chance the outcome of trying to meet him.
If he was married when I was born, he may not be married to that person now. He may be wondering who I am and where I am. I don’t think he would know I now live a few hours away from him, as opposed to the other side of the world.
I have to contact my aunt again to find out his name and possible address.
I’m really nervous to do it, but I know I need to.
I realise I could be setting myself up for more rejection. Or he may even be dead.
But, I need to try.
Because he is my only hope left, of having someone who cares about me.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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