My current situation, is preventing me from healing. I am in a constant daily state of hypervigilance, anxiety, depression. I cannot heal, in the relationship I am in. Yet, alternatives will hurt my children. And my children are my priority.
I do know complex trauma is only healed within healthy, safe relationships. And that I don’t have.
And I realise, this is something many complex trauma survivors are dealing with.
Most people don’t want to talk about how we ‘can’t’ heal. Survivors are expected to heal – no matter what their circumstances are. Which is such BS. And just creates shame, which is not ever okay.
So, I will talk about how our current life circumstances – can absolutely affect our capacity to heal.
I cannot walk away from my children. I would never do that. And leaving with my children, with no job, no-where to live – would be worse for my children, than staying where I am.
I try hard to make the best of each day, for my childrens sake. Even though it affects my healing and my wellbeing. They know the issues going on, because I talk about them and don’t let them think that being selfish, lying, manipulating are okay. I don’t ignore their fathers issues, I deal with them. And my children are thriving. They are happy and they do know they have one parent who loves and cherishes them.
Not everyone can simply walk away from an unhealthy relationship. People say to leave, but what if the circumstances created by leaving, are in fact worse, than if you stay? The choice has to be, to stay.
If you don’t have the ‘best case’ scenario for healing, please don’t feel shame or like you a failure. Often the circumstances we are in, through no fault of our own – prevents healing.
I am only in the situation I am in, because I was lied to and deceived by a highly narcissistic man, who I absolutely cannot trust, do not respect, do not like and is not safe. None of that is my responsibility, because I was deceived and manipulated. And I did not know what I know now……… 16 years ago. If I did, I wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole.
I am not going to feel shame about this, because the only person who should feel shame – is my husband. But, he doesn’t feel any shame, remorse, guilt, empathy….. or anything he should feel to change.
I have accepted I will not heal. I don’t have a healthy, safe relationship, in which to heal. The anxiety, hypervigilance and depression affect my healing.
And I know this will be the situation for many others too. If you relate to this, please know I understand.
I ‘am’ willing to write about this, even though it may be deemed by some as ‘wrong’. But, it isn’t wrong to write about situations that many will be enduring.
I don’t only deal with ‘best case scenario’ healing situations. Because that is not what many have. And those people – including me – need understanding and support too.
Many people do not have the best case scenario situations, of supportive, decent partners, or supportive family, or amazing therapists.
And I am not going to ignore this, just to placate people who believe we should ‘only’ talk about best case scenario situations.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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