I was raised to be the child heinously blamed, shamed and abused. With my mother, I learned young to do whatever it took to reduce her anger, lesson the abuse, and end the silent treatment. Including, apologising for things that were not mine to apologise for. In fact, they were my mothers issues and responsibility to apologise for. And that never happened.
So, it set me up on a lifelong road of being the scapegoat. And taking the blame and responsibility, for things that were not mine. Not being allowed to show valid emotions. Having to tolerate all manner of toxic issues projected onto me. And just take it. Like a doormat.
And a lifelong road of apologising, when in fact there was no reason for me to apologise. And apologising for having normal reactions to being harmed or hurt. While the apology that should be given to me…… wasn’t. As always was the situation.
In fact, this is what happened with all the abusers. I had to do whatever it took, to reduce the harm that was always coming. To diffuse the abusers anger. I apologised continually to the psychopath. I would beg and plead. Do whatever he wanted. Say whatever he wanted. Sometimes it worked to reduce his rage and anger. Other times, it fed his sick need to hurt me. But, it was my only hope of getting hurt less.
I’m aware this was all a survival mode. But, I always hated myself inside for having to do this. It fed my shame. It’s sad how much toxic shame has pervaded my whole life.
I did this recently, with my counsellor. I know why. I’d rather take the blame for a situation I had every right to be angry about. But, I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to be angry. So, rather than face ongoing rejection, abandonment, grieving………. I caved. And apologised. In fact, I am ashamed to realise, I begged for forgiveness.
And it worked. It was the only way she would talk to me. And then she wasn’t angry with me. Just like with my mother.
There is a level of self hate, that always churns within me, when this happens. And even more so, now I know what I am doing. And why.
The fear of abandonment, loss and grieving……. is greater than the fear and reality of being blamed, shamed, apologising and begging for forgiveness.
This reminds me of lyrics from Lana Del Rey’s – Ride. Where she pitifully begs not to be abandoned…..
“Don’t leave me now
Don’t say good bye
Don’t turn around
Leave me high and dry”
You’d think after five years of ‘processing complex trauma’ – I’d be past this by now.
These wounds, patterns of behaviour and complex trauma wounds, run very deep. And I know from considerable experience dealing with my mother, when you cave in and give the person what they want, accept responsibility – they of course – go along with it.
I am trying to sit with these self disgust, self hate, and self loathing emotions. I’m trying to tell myself, that there are reasons why I do this. And they were all created by my mother. And I never deserved a mother as heinous as mine.
I’m trying to have that self compassion I always tell everyone else we deserve.
Trying. Not really succeeding right now. But trying.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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