Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Wanting to die, never leaves my thoughts.



I am exhausted. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically.

Worn down every day due to living with a toxic person.

Totally alone. No-one to talk to.

PTSD symptoms, are all pretty bad. Having horrible dreams most nights. Anxiety high. Dizziness and arm seizures, occurring frequently. Back, shoulder and neck pain pretty bad.

I truly wish I could die.

I can’t because I have children, who need me. And that adds to my exhaustion. The constant need to pretend to be okay around them. Feeling like a failure when I can’t summon the energy needed to pretend.

I’ve had too much pain and suffering in my life.

I just want it to end.




Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

10 thoughts on “Wanting to die, never leaves my thoughts.

  1. To person who wants to end suffering, die, or not feel pain anymore, but has kids who need her, feels guilt for not having enough energy to be “good enough” all the time, lives with toxic person, cause of suffering, no one to talk to. You sent a post here, that is reaching out. You don’t deserve what’s happening to you. i wonder, how are you stuck, what is tying ou to this hell? There are always reasons. What do you need, what would make life better? i just want to say, i relate to what you’re going through, not going through it now, going through a different stage of process of healing, far from painless, but i have felt the way you describe, like when i had to be cheerful for my daughter when she was small, and didn’t always pull it off, and got downright really mad at her sometimes. and then tried to do damage control. Eventually there was a way out of that toxic relationship but it took time and wasn’t easy. i had mixed feelings, i was attached to him while simultaneously looking for a way out. I’m sorry you are feeling so hopeless. There are things that help, sometimes different for each person, i’m curious what you think would help, what would you do if you had a magic wand and could change your life make suffering stop? i mean, without dying.

  2. I understand this so well.

    Every day all day I think:
    “I can’t wait for this to be over.”

    Many people my age dread their birthdays and dread getting old, but I’m so happy because every birthday brings me closer to being done and gone.

    I stay for now because I don’t want to abandon the kids who are currently going they what I went thru. I’m staying to fight for them. But I take that one day at a time.

    Thank you for being a safe place where we can talk openly about this particular feeling and issue.

  3. I know that feeling all too well.
    It’s a thought that pops up every single day.
    Suddenly, there is that bubble that is in your guts and goes up up up andvery fast and pops out in my head. I wish I could control it but I can’t.
    Describing it the way I did is also a lie. It gives me the illusion that it’s not already there, in the back of my head, which is the case.
    Trying to find what triggers it is the hardest thing to do. I could be sitting, checking my emails and there it comes, or being drowning in traumatic memories, fully aware of it and that’s an easy trigger to spot. But… Just going on day after day after day is enough of a pain to keep that death wish alive and kicking.

    With all my love, I wanted to tell you that you are not alone in this situation, I kjnow that you know that, but saying it is important!

    ♥ ♥ ♥

  4. Im so sorrry you are hurting

  5. Hey, Lilly.

    I hear you and understand. I’m in that place right now myself. So, I’m sending you a BIG CYBER HUG.

    I’ve been triggering left and right it seems many times a day over the past year and immensely over the past week and a half. Therapy and all the work put into trying to survive can really fricken SUCK big time.

    I really resonated with what you shared about “pretending”. It gets very exhausting having to put on a fricken “happy face” so others can feel safe around me and not have to deal with their own unhappiness. For the longest time, I thought something was wrong with me for feeling the way I did and that I had to be like the people around me – happy, go lucky. That was until I realized that dealing with my PTSD, the fallout after surviving a narcissist, the resulting anger and sadness, as well as trying to walk (sometimes crawl) through my struggle was making others uncomfortable because they didn’t want to face their own stuff.

    Yikes, I’ve gone on a bit. Sorry.

    I see you like Lana Del Rey. I love her. I have so many favorite songs by her, but my all-time fave is, “Ride”. “I’m tired of feeling like I’m f–cking crazy. I’m tired of driving ’till I see stars in my eyes. I look up to hear myself saying, baby. Too much I strive, I just ride.”. I think I’m gonna go listen to it now.

    Sending you good thoughts.

    • I feel the same way. I wonder at times will it ever end? My children are grown and on their own yet I remember when I felt overwhelmed like you with everything when they depended upon me. You are such a wonderful blessing to all of us. Do you realize how many of us have found our voice through your honesty and openness?

      Lilly, take care of you. You are so important not only to your children but to each of us. I care and many others care also.

  6. Well, and I thought I was alone. Just keeping struggling every day being diagnosed with ptsd and dissociation plus after dealing with cancer, got psoriasis arthritis. So my point is that I understand how you all feel. Gone through the relationship part, got 2 boys and still having the thoughts every single day. Doing all to distract myself from it with DBT, book for dissociation and painkillers for all the pain I have in my joints. So please please you all here lets take one minute at time. Breath and lets try to love ourselves just bits by bits, It’s hard but we can do it. Love ya’ll Peace. Hugs ARI.
    We are all survivors and fighters. 💞💝👍😍

  7. I thought it was only me. Even when its so called a good day…its more like ok at least it wasn’t horrible. I wonder if it will ever be a awesome day, or great, a wow? Instead of Just another day I got through.

  8. Thank you all for your honesty and words, makes a difference knowing there are others out there that understand. I hope you find someone e to reach out to when you can big live from a struggling stranger